Halle Berry Endorses “One-drop” Theory of Blackness, Eighteenth Century Racists Rejoice
To celebrate Black History Month, Halle Berry has decided to answer a question that has plagued black people like me for centuries: how can I really know that I’m black? Luckily for me and black people everywhere, Halle Berry has finally weighed in on this momentous issue. Halle, whose daughter has a French-Canadian father, told Ebony magazine that “I feel like [my daughter] is black. I’m black and I’m her mother and I believe in the one-drop theory.” This quote is fantastic for two reasons. First, it affirms my fervent belief that the only way we’ll eradicate racism is by constantly focusing on each other’s precise racial characteristics. After all, how can we avoid being prejudiced unless we know exactly what races we’d be prejudiced against if we wanted to be prejudiced? Similar to how Charlie Sheen quits drugs by continuing to use drugs while habitually planning to stop using drugs at a later date, Halle realizes that the only way that society can stop classifying people according to arbitrary racial categories is to continue to use those categories. One might think that this is a recipe for creating a society of professional racists, but Halle knows that at some point, years from now, when we’re all really good at being racist, we’ll laugh and realize that now we should be holding hands and building literal and figurative bridges together instead of thinking ZOMG MY PHARMACIST MAY BE ONE SIXTY-FIFTH NIGERIAN.
The second great thing about Halle’s quote is that it espouses clear, unflinching support for the “one-drop” theory of blackness, a theory which was the foundation for decades of institutionalized oppression in America and elsewhere. Today, most people would hesitate to associate themselves with such a problematic theory, but luckily for us, Halle Berry is not most people. Halle Berry is not afraid to say, “when I need to solve a problem, I ask myself, ‘What would a racist white man from 1825 think?'” I’ve also used this approach for several years, and I must admit that it has dramatically improved my life. For example, once I realized that I was three-fifths of a person, I realized that I could skip voting in two out of every five elections! This obviously created huge swaths of free time in my schedule, free time that I immediately devoted to practicing voodoo, seducing white women, and doing all of the other things that racist white men from the 1800s know that I love to do. Given all of this, I enthusiastically support Halle Berry’s campaign to shape public policy using outmoded ideas that history has shown to be disastrous. I look forward to Halle settling the other great debates of our time, like whether leeches can cure headaches and whether menstruation is caused by demons.
In conclusion, as an African American male, I cannot count the number of sleepless nights I’ve had, lying awake in my bed and praying that Halle Berry could validate my black parents’ claim that their biological son was actually black. Now, thanks to Halle Berry, I know that blackness is essentially a genetic disease, much like cooties, and once it enters your bloodline, WELCOME TO THE FUTURE YOU’RE BLACK FOREVER. Can a Supreme Court nomination for Halle Berry be looming? You heard it here first! Only through Halle Berry’s practical, eighteenth century wisdom can we understand the complexities of the modern world. And why menstruation is caused by demons.