THE DISHMASTER

ENTERTAINMENT NEWS WITH A SIDE OF DISH

Thursday

19

May 2011

1

COMMENTS

Titanic To Be Re-Released in 3D — Will Leonardo Fit on the Board Now?

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I’m not sure I need to explain again how I think 3D is an absolute abomination. And post-production 3D is even worse. In case you don’t know what that is, it’s basically when filmmakers are too lazy or inexperienced to use the heavy-duty 3D cameras, so they instead film everything the way they know how, and then once the film is complete, they convert it to 3D. Translation? — It looks even worse (if that’s possible). And just to drive the knife deeper into my heart, Titanic will now be re-released in 3D to commemorate its 100 year anniversary. I’m sure James Cameron is crying in the fetal position upon hearing the news. Though Cameron started this 3D debacle, he took years to develop the proper cameras to shoot Avatar. Since Avatar, oodles of studio executives are feebly attempting to duplicate his success, because studio executives are greedy monsters with no artistic integrity. I’d like to close this post with one last inquiry/complaint. Will the size of that board that Leonardo DiCaprio failed to utilize at the end of Titanic look even larger in 3D? It still infuriates me that he couldn’t share it with Kate. Seriously — that board was super big. Couldn’t they spoon on it or something?

Thursday

19

May 2011

1

COMMENTS

Haley Reinhart Butchers Alanis Morissette​’s ‘You Outta Know’

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Before I launch into my tirade about Haley Reinhart’s abysmal performance of Alanis Morissette’s ‘You Outta Know,’ I’d like to profess that I blame this entirely on the judges, who picked the song. Haley has an extremely sweet persona, and she simply cannot pull-off the angry chick thing. I might be biased, though. I confess that I’ve personally sung this song in my car approximately 5,000 times, and I scream especially loud when I hear the lyric, “and every time I scratch my nails down someone else’s back I hope you feel it.” Perhaps Haley is a little too young to fully understand what it means to ask a man if he’s thinking of her when he “fu*ks” another chick. Give it a few years and a few terrible guys, and then ask her to perform the song. As for the horrific judges, as expected, they said nothing negative. How many days until Simon Cowell is on the air again? Watch below.
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Thursday

19

May 2011

2

COMMENTS

Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Mistress Revealed: Why do Men Cheat With Unattractive Women?

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When the news of John Edwards affair first broke, I joked with my father about Edwards’ unattractive mistress. “If you’re going to cheat,” I said, “then she better be way hotter than your wife.” My father quickly corrected me and explained that married men cheat with unattractive women because their options are limited. Though I understand his point, I draw the line at Arnold’s new mistress. It just doesn’t make any sense. Plus, I’m sure there are oodles of hot, trashy women that want to have sex with The Terminator — married or not. So why screw the woman that lives in his house with his children? All I know is — Elliot Spitzer is looking mighty good right now.

Tuesday

17

May 2011

0

COMMENTS

Teri Hatcher Tells Wendy Williams About Her Ryan Seacrest Date

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Since Teri Hatcher is one of my favorite talk-show guests, I’m posting her very funny description of her date with Ryan Seacrest below. Hatcher told Wendy Williams that she and Seacrest were set up on a blind date by a friend who is now “off the blind date set-up list.” Yikes! To be fair, though — didn’t she know what she was getting into when she consented to the date? Or did her friend simply say, “I’m going to set you up with this really cheesy guy who hosts this really cheesy show?”
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Tuesday

17

May 2011

0

COMMENTS

Christina Aguilera on The Today Show — Needs a Major Makeover

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Christina Aguilera appeared on The Today Show with Matt Lauer to discuss her new hit show, The Voice, and it’s time to take her to task on her appearance. Since everything I’m about to say can be fixed, please refrain from verbally attacking me. First, her extensions are absolutely hideous. And the platinum blond hair color does not help. To put it simply, it looks trashy. Second, she needs to hire a new stylist. I’m not sure what look she is attempting to portray, but her dress is not flattering. She’s curvy, and she’s wearing an extremely tight baby doll dress. And lastly, what’s with all the makeup? She’s a pretty girl — so there’s no need to completely paint her face with caked on makeup and red lipstick. When you’re on a hit show, you have to think about these things. Again, someone needs to point this stuff out — and I suppose I have the unfortunate task of doing so. Sigh . . . it’s hard being The Dishmaster.

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Tuesday

17

May 2011

0

COMMENTS

Randy Jackson Calls ‘The Voice’ Gimmicky — Gives Very Funny Quote

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I just came across this quote from Randy Jackson about ‘The Voice,’ and I have to share it. When asked what he thinks of the new singing show, Jackson called it “gimmicky.” Then he said (and here comes the good part), “Maybe Simon Cowell should have people opening doors. Like, ‘Knock, knock; Who’s singing? I can’t see you!’” Who knew Jackson was such a jokester! I also think the show is gimmicky, but I must admit it’s a guilty pleasure. Besides, I’d rather have a gimmicky show that’s entertaining than the reformed version of American Idol — which sucks.

Tuesday

17

May 2011

0

COMMENTS

Tuesday

17

May 2011

0

COMMENTS

Britney Spears Harper’s Bazaar — Airbrushed Beyond Recognition?

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I’m not against airbrushing an imperfection here and there, but when you airbrush someone’s entire face beyond recognition, I draw the line. There’s a girl on the cover of Harper’s Bazaar this month, and I can’t figure out if it’s Heather Morris or Britney Spears. Her face is so insanely airbrushed, which is confusing considering how pretty Britney Spears is without all that crap. Can this garbage please end? What happened to the days when photographers were responsible for actually taking a decent picture, and couldn’t rely on this post-photo machinery? Isn’t it cheating?

Tuesday

17

May 2011

0

COMMENTS

Jon Stewart Gives Bill O’Reilly the Smackdown — Discuss Rapper Common

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On a recent Bill O’Reilly appearance, Jon Stewart further escalated my love for him by trouncing Bill O’Reilly in a debate about rapper Common. According to O’Reilly, Common should not have been invited to the White House because he supports a “cop killer.” O’Reilly is referring to Common’s support for Assata Shakur. Stewart rightly pointed out that Common is supporting Shakur because he thinks she’s innocent, and not because he generally supports killing cops. Stewart also added that Bono wrote a song about Leonard Peltier, and Bono was invited to the White House, as was Bob Dylan, who wrote a song about Hurricane Carter. Watch Bill O’Reilly attempt to “pettifog” his way out of Jon Stewart’s comparisons.

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Monday

16

May 2011

0

COMMENTS

Donald Trump NOT Running For President — SHOCKER!

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Did anyone actually think that Donald Trump was serious about running for President? The most surprising thing about this entire debacle is that news outlets actually took the time to report his antics. I take that back. The most surprising thing is that President Obama actually released his birth certificate, as per Trump’s recommendation. What’s next? Will Richard Simmons run for President and demand that Obama run around in little shorts?