THE DISHMASTER

Celebrities get a reputation for having relationship issues. Can a marriage survive in the Hollywood spotlight? If you look at the couples below, you might not think so. So in honor of the sad and surprising split between Mad Men actress Elizabeth Moss and her husband, Fred Armisen (after only 10 months), I’m posting a list of very short Hollywood marriages. Enjoy!

One Tree Hill’s Sophia Bush and Chad Michael Murray split up after only five months of marriage. Rumors circulated that Paris Hilton caused the split, after she and Murray had an affair on the set of House of Wax.

Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Esposito split after only four months of marriage. When Joy Behar jokingly accused Esposito of “not trying” very hard in her marriage, Esposito only said, “well Joy, you don’t know what I was dealing with.” As for Cooper, the only thing he has said about his marriage to Esposito is, “it was an experience.”

Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock divorced after only four months of marriage. She blamed the marriage on an impulsive, romantic haze of St. Tropez, and both she and Rock rushed to the court house in hopes of filing for divorce first. He later explained to Larry King that they divorced over money, because Anderson refused to sign a post-nup.

Pamela Anderson and Rick Salomon are barely worth mentioning. They married in Vegas and divorced two months later. You might remember Rick Salomon as the guy from the Paris Hilton sex tape, who is allegedly responsible for leaking it. He has denied doing so.

Renee Zellweger and country singer Kenny Chesney split after four months. She cited fraud as the reason for divorce, which led to a lot of speculation that he was gay. He later said the marriage ended after he panicked.

Lisa Marie Presley and Nicolas Cage split after three months. Presley later said that they “never should have been married in the first place.” Nicolas Cage allegedly threw her very expensive diamond ring in the ocean, and then paid divers to retrieve it. Needless to say, the ring is kaput and so is the marriage.

Tom Green and Drew Barrymore met on the set of Charlie’s Angels, when she cast him in a small part. They divorced after only six months of marriage, and Tom Green was said to be devastated. I think he might still be.

While some might think that Kim Kardashian catapulted to the spotlight from her sex tape, the truth is that Paris Hilton is to blame.  The two were best friends, and because the papparazi were constantly photographing Paris, Kim got attention as a bystander.  When people started asking about Paris’ sidekick, it was revealed that Kardashian was actually the daughter of OJ Simpson’s lawyer, Robert Kardashian.  With the Kardashian name and the Paris friendship, she only needed one more thing to solidify her Hollywood status — a sex tape.  To this day, Kim says that the sex tape leaking was “humiliating.”  Despite her attestations, I’m convinced she planned the entire thing.  Why?  Because if you saw her sex tape (yes, I saw it), you might notice how well-lit it is.  That’s contrary to Paris Hilton, whose sex tape (yes, I saw that one too) is almost barely visible, indicating that it was never intended for the public to see.  When Kim told Howard Stern that she “learned a lot” from Paris, I wonder if she meant, “I learned how to properly light the room for a sex tape.”  But a sex tape isn’t the only thing Kim copied.  Paris used the media attention to land a reality show, The Simple Life, and immediately became a household name.  Like Paris, Kim also landed a reality show, only hers was a shrewder move, given that Kim’s show is not about how incompetent she is.  She instantly became more likable, and avoided the media scrutiny that Paris received about being “famous for nothing.”  On top of that, she makes uber-bucks off club promoting, which was also Paris’ territory.  Paris and Kim no longer speak, and according to Kim, Paris cut her off for reasons she has yet to understand, though she has hinted at Paris’ jealously.  My guess?  Paris feels used.  Sure there’s room for everyone, but Kim bascially carbon-copied Paris’ life.

Hollywood is constantly cranking out sequels for dead movies, and actors often consent to them, in hopes of resurrecting their career.  It’s a paycheck with some attention for the actor, and it’s easy marketing for the studio.  But is it really a good idea?  All signs point to no.  The biggest flop that comes to mind is Sharon Stone’s sequel to Basic Instinct.  Michael Douglas turned it down, saying that he didn’t think anyone really wanted to see his aging, naked ass.  Apparently, Sharon Stone didn’t get Michael Douglas’ memo, and perhaps thought the film might help her career.  I’m embarrassed to admit I saw it in the theater, and the audience actually laughed during the murder scenes.  Yes, it was that bad.  Bruce Willis made Die Hard 4, which was actually a decent film.  Unfortunately, it didn’t help revive his action-star status, and he’s pretty much in the same position as he was before the film.  And don’t let me misguide you about Michael Douglas’ career choices.  He has Wall Street 2 coming out, and while I hope it’s great, my hatred for Oliver Stone leads me to believe it won’t be.  So what’s my advice?  If you need a paycheck, by all means do a sequel for the purpose of putting food on the table.  Other than that, it’s pretty useless — and it ruins some of my favorite films of all time.

I saw a recent picture from Rihanna’s concert, and I noticed that her unitard strangely resembles the often-seen unitard worn by Pink during her concerts. If you’ve paid attention to Pink’s tour, you would recognize the bandaid-style get-up from her ludicrous trapeze performances, where she fancies herself a pint-size contortionist from Cirque Du Soleil, and basically risks her life while singing upside down. Aside from my objection to the life-risk, if the girl is going to hang upside down, she might as well do it in a unique costume. So do all unitards look alike, or did Rihanna’s designer make a copy-cat blunder? I’m not quite sure. Perhaps it was “inspired?” See the pictures below and judge for yourself.

In a new interview, Paul Reubens discussed his 1991 arrest for waxing-his-dolphin in a public movie theater.  He insists that, had the case gone to trial, he would have been proven innocent, because the police report said he was masturbating with his left hand, and Pee Wee is a righty.  According to Reubens, he would have called an expert with “thirty years of experience,” to testify that no one masturbates with their non dominant hand.  Wow, that’s a pretty strong defense.  Had I been the prosecutor on this case, I would have called a very perverted college friend of mine, who constantly told me that he preferred masturbating with his non-dominant hand, as it made him feel like someone else was choking-his-chicken.  At this point, he might also have thirty years of experience.

• Neil Patrick Harris is expecting twins.  Celebrity Cafe

• Hilary Duff got married.  Just Jared

• Tila Tequila was attacked.  Gossip Cop

• Millionaire Matchmaker Patti Stanger calls off engagement.  Radar Online

• Jesse James might be dating tattoo artist Kat Von D.  People

• Jamie Lynn Spears might be back together with her baby daddy.  Pop Crunch

• Thomas Jane and Patricia Arquette are getting divorced.  Dlisted

• Jude Law’s ex-wife releases memoir.  It’s disturbing.  Reuters

During my daily voyage to Egotastic, I noticed some pictures of Kelly Brook from her topless spread (pun intended) in Playboy magazine.  They are so heavily airbrushed, I’m not even sure what I’m looking at.  Don’t men feel like perverts when they masturbate to cartoon characters?  If you’re aroused by these Kelly Brook pictures, I’d like to refer you to Jessica Rabbit, who I believe is way hotter.  The pictures did get me thinking about her recent, non-airbrushed, pictures on The Superficial though, which I think are much more appealing.  After all, nothing says saucy-sex-vixen like a few dimples in your ass.

I’d like to officially welcome Lea Michele into my big-schnoz Jew club.  You only gain admittance if you like your shnoz, so I’m honored to grant her membership.  You might remember that I recently picked on Lea for her drastic weight loss, but after her recent quote, all is forgotten.  Lea told Us Weekly that she has no desire for a ridiculous, button-nose, as she’s always been proud of her “Jewish nose.”  In an industry where many actors have nose jobs, I find her attitude refreshing — plus, she’s gorgeous.  Maybe this is the beginning of a movement.  This also provides a perfect opportunity for me to feature women in the industry that have copped to nose jobs.  Enjoy!

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Lisa Kudrow admitted to Allure magazine that she had nose surgery at 16 to correct her “hook nose.” Kudrow was raised Jewish, and looked much different before entering the Hollywood beauty salon. To see a picture of what she used to look like, click here.

Like Lisa Kudrow, Dirty Dancing’s Jennifer Grey is a Jewish girl with a nose job. Grey attributes her career downswing to her “nose job from hell,” which she thinks left her unrecognizable. Unlike Kudrow, Grey got her nose job after having already made it in the industry, which was likely the problem. I’m not sure I would agree that the nose job alone is responsible for her career problems. Many actors only have two or three big roles in their career.  Go easy on yourself Grey.

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Ashley Tisdale should have had a sit-down with Jennifer Grey before getting her nose job. She already had an adorable nose, but for some reason craved the infamous and reprehensible button-nose. She later blamed it on a deviated septum, but it became immediately clear that it was a cosmetic procedure. To see a before and after, click here.

Ashlee Simpson makes my list, because her nose job was so drastic. Though she never fully confessed it, the transformation is so obvious, I call it an “implied admission.” Prior to her nose job, she went on the record saying how much she loved her nose, and was fine not looking like everyone else. I guess that didn’t last long. Let’s hope that unlike Simpson, Lea Michele is telling the truth when she says she loves her nose. To see a before and after of Simpson, click here.

The Biggest Loser’s Jillian Michaels is on my nose job shit-list. Not only did she admit to having one, but she said it was a great thing for her to do. Shes feels “much better about herself” now. Good job, Jillian. I’m glad plastic surgery solved your insecurity — I think everyone should do it.

I’ve often said that George Clooney is the Cary Grant of today’s generation. Not only do they look alike, but their careers as leading men are also similar. The only main difference between their resumes, is that Carey Grant wasn’t afraid of romantic comedies. Grant was owned by Paramount Pictures though (and later by Columbia Pictures), at a time when the big studios held the power in Hollywood. Now, the actors hold the power, and they get to decide what their next project will be.  That means that actors like Clooney can pick and choose as they please, and don’t have to act in every film produced by the studio, with whom they were under contract.  I cannot decide whether that’s good or bad, but I wonder if Clooney would have turned down a film like Bringing up Baby.  Perhaps Hollywood isn’t even making those films anymore — I certainly haven’t seen any.  If actors hold the power though, maybe they should start reading scripts to find the next His Girl Friday.  After all, someone has to do the studio’s job.