If you watch Jersey Shore, then you’re familiar with the term “grenade.” Basically, it describes a fat, ugly chick. The guys on the show (who sometimes refer to themselves as “M.V.P’ — for Mike, Vinny, Pauly), often bring home hot chicks to their house, and those hot chicks sometimes bring their girlfriends along, and those girlfriends are problematic “grenades.” What’s curious is that anyone who appears on the show has to sign a waiver allowing MTV to put their face on camera. So why would any girl in their right mind allow MTV to put their face on camera after the guys on the show lambaste their looks? Here’s the answer. The waiver allows MTV the right to use their footage, no matter what’s discussed. Since these women aren’t aware of their “grenade” status when they sign the waiver, they must be pretty damn confident with their looks. Note to self: If I ever get invited to the Jersey Shore house — DON’T SIGN THE WAIVER.
When people ask me if I’m a “writer,” I always say no. I tell them I’m “aspiring.” The reason? Every so often I read articles like the one Alec Baldwin just wrote for Huffington Post, and it’s confirmed that I have a lot of work to do before I get there. Baldwin wrote an open letter to Charlie Sheen, and it’s brilliant. He told Sheen to “beg for his job back,” and he shared a very personal anecdote that illustrated his own frustrations with the entertainment industry. When I studied film in college, my professor actually discussed this story about Baldwin, and he told the class that Baldwin turned down the opportunity to star in the sequels to The Hunt for Red October, because he wanted to star in A Streetcar Named Desire on Broadway in hopes that it would solidify his status as an A-list actor. My professor said it’s considered one of the greatest blunders in Hollywood history. After reading Alec Baldwin’s recanting of what really happened, I’m convinced that Baldwin would kill my professor. It turns out the the movie studio (Paramount) was negotiating simultaneous deals with Alec Baldwin and another A-list actor for the same part, thus breaking the law. The movie studio owed this unnamed actor money for a previous deal that fell apart, and casting him in Alec’s role would not only save them money, but potentially help their film by casting someone who’s a bigger box-office draw. The studio knew Alec wanted to star in the play, and they insisted that the production schedule could not accommodate Baldwin. The implication from Baldwin’s letter is that the studio played hard-ball in hopes that Alec would drop out so they could employ the other actor. If that’s true, it worked. So what’s the thesis of Baldwin’s lesson? “You can’t win,” and “no actor is greater than the show itself when the show is a hit.” He therefore thinks Sheen should “sober up,” “get back on TV” and “buy John Cryer a really nice car.”
Simon Cowell doesn’t only pick on the little guy — he takes on giants too. In response to Elton John’s comments about X-Factor “hurting the music industry,” Cowell said, “This is somebody who charges what, a million dollars a private gig? Two million dollars, you know? . . . I tell you what, you just made a million dollars off your last private gig. Go and give it to a bunch of young musicians you care about, put them in the studio. Go and nurture them. Go and spend some time looking after them. Then I’ll buy your argument.” Good point, Simon. I’m sick and tired of music titans insulting the current state of the industry and doing nothing about it. Did I mention that I had a recent dream that I made out with Simon Cowell? He was a very good kisser.
Fox announced that this week’s American Idol will be pre-taped because there is a “new director and new judges, and it has nothing to do with manipulation.” Though I agree that this has nothing to do with manipulation, I’m certain it has everything to do with incompetence. It takes a lot of skill to produce a live show, and pre-taping it is a cop-out way of saying they can’t execute the task. Furthermore, the essence of American Idol’s brand is that it’s a live show, so this is preposterous. I’d like to also add that I feel terrible for the audience this week, because if you ever gone to a non-live show taping, then you know it’s absolute torture to sit through five hours of taping for a one hour show. To put things in perspective, they often don’t even let you leave to pee. Yeah — you heard me.