Lance Armstrong Steps Down — Did He Dope? — A Summary of USADA’s Findings

20121017-100734.jpgThe United States Anti-Doping Agency’s 202-page report entitled, “reasoned decision,” charging Lance Armstrong with running “the most sophisticated, professionalized and successful doping program that sport has ever seen” has caused a media firestorm. The report found “conclusive” and “undeniable” proof that Armstrong not only doped extensively throughout most of his professional career — particularly when he rode to seven straight Tour de France victories from 1999-2005 — but also supplied the banned drugs and pressured his teammates to stay on a doping program.

Although publicly maintaining his innocence, Armstrong — who has never tested positive for any performance-enhancing substances — decided not to fight the USADA charges. In August, six months after federal prosecutors announced that a grand jury had finished considering the matter (and levied no criminal charges), he withdrew from USADA’s arbitration process. Because he withdrew from the arbitration, the agency banned him from Olympic sports for life and stripped him of his record seven Tour victories. By way of contrast, five cyclists who cut a deal each accepted six-month suspensions after giving statements in the investigation.

The French Cycling Federation supports the USADA decision, stating that Armstrong’s refusal to contest the accusations “sounds like an admission of his guilt” (the Federation also wants reimbursement of Armstrong’s prizes obtained during the Tour de France and other competitions – to the tune of 2.95 million Euros). Similarly, the president of the World Anti Doping Agency (WADA) believes that Armstrong’s decision not to appeal the USADA’s decision indicates that there is “substance” to the charges. The Union Cycliste Internationale (UCI), the ruling body which oversees the Tour de France, has yet to ratify the USADA findings, but since Armstrong has given up the fight I can’t think of any reason why they would not do so.

As I perused the report itself – which is readily available on a USADA website – it struck me that it contained a fair amount of hyperbole and colorful quotes (for the media’s convenience, perhaps). “It was not enough that his teammates give maximum effort on the bike, he also required that they adhere to the doping program outlined for them or be replaced,” USADA said in its report. “He was not just a part of the doping culture on his team, he enforced and reinforced it.” Chilling.

In a statement accompanying the report, USADA — an NGO started back in 1999 — ensured that it conducted a fair and thorough investigation, and that it was unaffected by outside pressure or celebrity status. Though I have no reason for doubt, I can’t help but think that Lance Armstrong is the biggest fish that USADA will ever have the opportunity to fry. And it seems that they did not hold back on their own spin, value judgments, and eloquent vilification of the long-admired (formerly admired?) sports hero.

But that’s just the report, let’s talk about the evidence it was based on. I was both happy and somewhat surprised to see that all the of evidence — over 1000 pages, as the USADA is quick to point out — was available online. This accessibility struck me as either the height of transparency or the depths of public smearing in a case that is not only subject to appeal but that is being actively challenged by at least three team members implicated in the twisted tale.

Notwithstanding my qualms with USADA’s mode of presentation, the voluminous evidence is overwhelmingly damning — especially because Armstrong is not challenging it. USADA found 26 witnesses to help explain the elaborate doping scheme purportedly used by Armstrong and the US Postal Service team; this included sworn statements from 11 of Armstrong’s former teammates, six of whom have never had any public dispute with him.

The USADA report confirms many stories we have heard before and, as a whole, paints a vivid picture of the doping culture that dominated Armstrong’s team during his Tour winning streak; riders said they felt that they needed to dope to stay at the top of the sport and stay on the team.

His former teammates talked about consuming vials of testosterone oil during races and even blood-doping (a process whereby blood is extracted, filled with enhancement drugs, and then transfused back into the cyclist). By way of example, teammate Tyler Hamilton stated that, during the 1999 Tour, the team was using EPO, a hormone that induces red blood cell production, every three or four days; pre-loaded syringes were injected quickly and then discarded by a team doctor. For the 2000 Tour, Hamilton, Armstrong, and other riders allegedly took a private jet to start a blood-doping regimen, a new process they used to avoid detection at a time when there was heightened scrutiny of all riders.

In addition to the witness statements, the USADA investigation also uncovered a paper trail, including $200,000 in payments from Armstrong to Italian doctor Michele Ferrari, a sought-after trainer of the time who was notorious for dealing in EPO.

UCI has only a few weeks to decide whether it will ratify the USADA’s decision. And the director of the Tour de France has declared that if UCI does ratify, there will be no replacement winner named for years 1999 through 2005; some speculate that that is because it now looks like everyone was doping, and no one deserves the win.

And then there are the team members who have not given up, who are challenging USADA’s report at an arbitration hearing . One of them is Armstrong’s former manager, Johan Bruyneel, and he has good reason. The report pegged him as the focal point of the doping programs in Armstrong’s teams through 2010. I am very curious to see how he fares; if he wins that would certainly add a whole new level to this ordeal.

As it stands, I think that Armstrong doped, and I think he probably went to great lengths to cover it up. Even though he may have had sound reasons for declining to challenge the USADA report, it strikes me as a suspicious — and Un-American — to cop-out. He is certainly not without resources and, to me, it seems like has a lot to lose. He is a legend largely because of his wins. Why would he give them up without a fight?

Update: In the wake of the USADA report, Armstrong stepped down as chairman of the Lance Armstrong Foundation (LIVESTRONG), and Nike terminated its contract with armstrong. It is a sad day in history.

Playboy Interviews Stephen Colbert

Image courtesy of Playboy

I’ve been a fan of Playboy’s interviews since my youth when I would steal my father’s magazines and read them (yes, for the interviews — not the pictures). My only hope is that one day I’ll work for Playboy (yes, as an interviewer, not as a centerfold). And since I also love Stephen Colbert, it was quite a nice surprise to see him featured in the November issue. Read some choice excerpts below, and read the full article by clicking HERE.

On his right-wing counterparts

Take Mr. Bill O’Reilly. He was a perfectly lovely guest, but he wouldn’t be his personality. He wasn’t an unpleasant person. I have no complaints other than the fact that I booked Bill O’Reilly and I got William O’Reilly.”

On human behavior

“I’m surprised there aren’t more unbalanced people in the world, because being alive is not easy. We’re just not that nice to one another. We’re all we have, and Jesus, are we sh*tty to one another. We really are.”

On his friendship with Jon Stewart

“I would say the thing that has kept me from being as good a friend to Jon as I would like is just that I’m such a fan. I am gobsmacked by his abilities. But that being said, we go out to dinner, and we sometimes pick up the phone just to say, ‘How are you?’ Or, ‘Do you mind if I tell you how I am? I had a shitty week.’”

On fear

“I suppose fear is like a drug. A little bit isn’t that bad, but you can get addicted to the consumption and distribution of it. What’s evil is the purposeful distribution of fear … If you’re injecting fear into other people, then you’re trying to kill their minds. You’re trying to get them to stop thinking … Fear is an attempt to impose tyranny over someone’s mind. It’s an act of oppression.”

On the death of his father and brother (in a plane crash when Colbert was 10)

“Any curiosity I have probably comes from my dad. He was a big thinker, a true intellectual. His idea of a good time was to read French philosophy, often French Christian philosophy”

On grief

“It’s just as keen but not as present. But it will always accept the invitation. Grief will always accept the invitation to appear. It’s got plenty of time for you … I’ve always liked that phrase He was visited by grief, because that’s really what it is.

On his teenage science fiction fandom

“In some ways it was about escape. I think there’s absolute truth in escaping the reality of your present predicament. And that can just be about being young. It doesn’t have to be a tragedy. There’s a tragedy to being 13. Things are changing. Friends are changing. Your body is changing. You need to escape that. My additional emotional crises don’t necessarily explain my interest in it.”

Emily Maynard & Jef Holm Confirm Breakup — The World Weeps

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So much for true love. The schmaltzy sweethearts that fell in love during Emily Maynard’s second try for a reality-television-relationship have officially ended their engagement. Here’s their statements.

20121012-151030.jpg“>Jef Tells People:

“Meeting Emily on The Bachelorette was an incredible experience, we’ve had quite the journey. I’ve never loved someone so much in my whole life, Emily is the best person and mom I have ever met. She opened up her world to me and I fell in love with her, [her daughter] Ricki, her family and the Hendricks.

“She has a great group of people who surround her. What we shared was completely genuine and real and it breaks my heart but we have decided to break up.

“Emily will always have a special place in my heart. I don’t regret a single second I spent with her or Ricki. They both have been a huge part of my life. Who knows what tomorrow will bring but we are moving on to the next chapter of our lives.

“Emily and I are great friends and I hope we can continue to be friends forever. Everyone wants a salacious story to break, but the truth is we are just two people who fell in love and tried our hardest to make it work. I will always love her.”

Emily Tells People:

“I am sorry to tell you that Jef and I have, indeed, parted ways,” Maynard says. “It was a very difficult and heartbreaking decision.

“As you know, at first I wasn’t sure that I should even be The Bachelorette, but I am a hopeless romantic and I do believe in the show. I have no regrets because I did find love and shared an incredible journey with a really special person – and you know what, we tried our best because the love between us was so real.

“I have nothing but respect and love for Jef and his family, but ultimately we are just at different points in our lives.

“I’ve learned so much and I’m grateful for all of the support I’ve received. I’m excited and hopeful for the next chapter in my life with my daughter, Ricki. I do hope that you will respect our privacy and allow us the time we need to heal.”

For once can someone actually give a tangible explanation as to what the hell happened? Until then, I’ll leave you with a quote from my very wise mother: “Relationships that start out hot-and-heavy never last.” And there you have it. The rose has wilted.

Andy Cohen Tells Jill Zarin Why He Fired Her

The Dishmaster loves honestly, so it was refreshing to see Andy Cohen hit Jill Zarin between the eyes when she asked him why he fired her from The Real Housewives of New York. The only thing he could have done differently was rephrased his last sentence to, “The viewers didn’t like you anymore.”

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Gilles Does Bollywood — Paula Abdul Does Bruno

Proving her star-power, Paula Abdul executed one of the funniest moves I’ve seen on the Dancing With The Stars judging panel in some time. She actually imitated Bruno Tonioli’s ridiculousness. As for Gilles’ Bollywood routine, there are no words. But here’s one: I want to hang him on my wall and stare at him for eternity (wait . . . was that more than one word?).

Chelsea Lately & Sandra Bullock Have Naked Shower Fight

20121016-094022.jpgChelsea Handler has officially cornered the market on getting A-list celebrities to do ridiculous things. This week’s winner is Sandra Bullock, whose very naked fight with Handler in the shower was not only hilarious — but revealing. Hats off to Handler for really committing.
Continue reading “Chelsea Lately & Sandra Bullock Have Naked Shower Fight”

Hulk Sues Bubba — The Sex Tape Showdown

While it’s certainly embarrassing to have your sexual encounter secretly video taped and subsequently released, it’s even more embarrassing when your sexual performance is questionable, and it’s even worse when that sexual performance is with your best friend’s wife. After all, if you’re gonna gift your goods to your buddy’s wife, let’s hope you put a bow on top. According to recent reports, Hulk Hogan will be suing Bubba the Love Sponge for “invasion of privacy.” As for Hulk’s poor choices, I’ll cut him slack since this was filmed while he was still married, and everyone knows that no one thinks clearly while in a relationship. As an aside, I still partially believe Hulk was in on this, so until I see the papers filed on TMZ, I’m suspicious.

Brad Pitt’s Chanel No.5 Commercial — A Smelly Turd?

Brad Pitt is a good looking guy. And he’s a powerful name. But his performance in the first Chanel No. 5 ad sure as hell wasn’t worth the 7 million dollar paycheck. Watch his weak attempt at depth as the first male face of the fragrance. The commercial is entitled, “There You Are.”

Movie Review: Argo

20121015-143026.jpgWritten by Dan O’Connell, Contributing Writer

In the early days of the Iran Hostage crisis, six Americans in the Iranian Embassy escape to the Canadian Ambassador’s house, and CIA Operative Tony Mendez (Affleck) comes up with the only feasible plan to get them out. He plans to enter the country under the pretense of being a Canadian filmmaker scouting locations for a Hollywood film, and he’ll have the hostages pose as his movie staff. Once there, he’ll take them out as a team. His stateside helpers include: members of the CIA (Cranston, most notably), a gruff veteran producer (Arkin, signing on as a fake producer to make the story more believable) and a cheerful makeup artist (Goodman, who also helps to sell the Hollywood ruse). Once Mendez enters Iran, the problems arise. It’s not nearly as easy as it seems, and the story unfolds in one of the most suspenseful films in history.

Affleck’s winning streak as a director continues, armed with great performances, terrific dialogue, outstanding music cues (Van Halen’s “Dance the Night Away” for the win), and the best late 70s period design since “Boogie Nights” — right down to the Warner Bros. logo that opens the movie (a KILLER touch). Though I wasn’t thrilled with Affleck’s decision to underplay his role, by the third act it’s irrelevant. This film is an easy contender
for multiple Oscars.

RATING: 5 DISHES

Taylor Momsen is Naked . . . Intentionally

I once took an acting class during a moment of madness, and though I quickly ditched the idea, my teacher’s lecture on making creative choices has always stuck with me. “Stand out,” she said. “And do it by making choices no one has ever seen.” I thought of this very profound lecture while watching Taylor Momsen’s new lyric video, “Under the Water,” where she can be found predictably naked while wearing lots of eyeliner, reciting some very disturbing lyrics likely meant to cause an arbitrary stir. Perhaps she should have a conversation with OK Go about originality.