Michelle Williams Will Play Marilyn Monroe — Is this Movie Necessary?

Am I the only person on the planet that doesn’t feel a personal connection to Marilyn Monroe?  I don’t get it.  Sure, she was great.  But does that mean that every celebrity has to pose as her, and movies have to be made about her life?  Lindsay Lohan and Nicole Kidman already copied a Marilyn Monroe photo-shoot, and Megan Fox has her picture tattooed on her arm.  And the great Paris Hilton once proclaimed that she’s the “Marilyn Monroe of today’s generation.”  Okay — that last one just made me laugh.  So when I heard that Michelle Williams was cast in a new Monroe biopic, I skipped over the blogosphere questions about whether she could pull it off, and asked myself whether it should be made at all.

Tammy Lynn Michaels is Broke? — Can She Please Write Complete Sentences?

Not only do I find it incredibly annoying when celebrities let their personal lives play out in the press, but it’s even worse when they can’t properly put a sentence together. If you’re going to use your personal blog to bash an ex, at least make sure the punctuation is correct. Tammy Lynn Michaels, the ex-wife of Melissa Etheridge, has written a “poem” on her blog explaining that she’s too broke to even buy food. News reports suggest that Etheridge gives Michaels the small sum of $2,000 per month, plus household expenses (which might be a coded way of saying she just pays for toilet paper).  That sounds like nothing when you take Etheridge’s salary into account; however, I’m still opposed to the haiku style of writing.  Just say, “my ex-wife is a selfish, horrible person, and then call it a day.  See, I even used a comma.  Hopefully my own punctuation is correct.  Otherwise, I might have to send Tammy Lynn Michaels a long apology note.

Kim Kardashian Poses Naked for W Magazine — A Raging Hypocrite

Kim Kardashian posed completely naked for W Magazine, shortly after proclaiming that she “regrets” her Playboy shoot, which she only agreed to because of “pressure from her mother.”  Did her mother threaten to ground her if she didn’t pose naked again, or does Kim Kardashian just wait for the public’s reaction to her choices, and then say she regrets them if they are not well-received?  Something tells me it’s the latter.  I wonder what her excuse will be for the W shoot?  Let’s come up with some explanations.  Perhaps she was getting in the shower naked, and a professional photographer happened to be there, and snapped those photos without her knowledge?  That’s way too crafty.  Hmm — Maybe she was drunk?

Tabloid Roundup

  • Laura Dern was blindsided by Ben Harper’s divorce filing.  Radar Online
  • Jersey Shore’s Ronnie is embarrassed for how he treated his girlfriend, Sammi.  Celebrity Cafe
  • Danii Minogue is furious that Sharon Osbourne might return to X-Factor.  Daily Mail
  • Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore renewed their wedding vows in Israel.  Fan Carpet
  • American Idol’s Crystal Bowersox got married.  E! Online
  • Wilmer Valderrama still loves Lindsay Lohan.  OMG, Music
  • Kim Kardashian was in a bar fight.  Miami Herald
  • Johnny Knoxville is still recovering from his penis injury.  Female First
  • Ryan Phillippe is dating AnnaLynne McCord’s sister, Angel.  Ear Sucker

Attention Hollywood: Stop Making Movies About Horses

The Secretariat is performing poorly at the box office, and I can’t help but wonder how many more horse films Hollywood will churn out before someone learns a lesson.  Sure they get a lot of critical praise, but the public at large doesn’t relate, and the ticket receipts reflect that.  Remember Seabiscuit?  For the amount of critical praise it received, you would think that the film would have earned twice as much as it cost.  It didn’t.  Why? — Because no one wants to see a horse movie.  And what about The Horse Whisperer?  Yes it made a respectable amount of money, but it under performed.  There’s only one movie which involved horses that I thoroughly enjoyed, and it’s not National Velvet.  It was a little movie called Wild Hearts Can’t Be Broken.  Anyone heard of it?

Jersey Shore Cast-Members Get a Spin-Off — Bad Idea MTV

Apparently, everyone except MTV knows that too much of a good thing is a bad thing.  Both Pauly D and Snooki are getting spin-offs, which pretty much guarantees the death of the Jersey Shore franchise.  I’m sure that the neanderthal creative executives over at MTV think this is a great idea.  After all, if you have one massive hit, why not split it up and turn into three massive hits?  Unfortunately, this will only water-down the show and kill it early.  Jersey Shore is capable of at least two more great seasons, and MTV should maximize what’s left, by putting out a couple more great seasons, and keeping the cast-members underground to prevent over-exposure.  Plus, if you kill my favorite show, what will I watch on television to relax my brain after a hard day’s work?

Denise Richards Will Write a Book — Can Celebs Stick to Their Craft?

Denise Richards is “writing” an auto-biography about her life, and I’m officially petitioning for a moratorium on celebrity books.  I realize its an easy way to make money, but it’s time for celebrities to stick to their specific craft.  I’m fuzzy as to what Denise Richards’ “craft” is, but I’m pretty sure it has something to do with a Neve Campbell makeout session.  More importantly, I’m against auto-biographies in general.  They are just masturbatory monologues told from the biased perspective of the author.  Unless someone else is tattling on your deviant behavior, I’m not interested.

Actors Who Turn Down Hit Roles — The Occupational Hazard

JOHN TRAVOLTA — Richard Gere might want to send John Travolta a bouquet of flowers for his career. Gere snatched up four major roles  Travolta turned down. Those include: An Officer and a Gentleman, Days of Heaven, American Gigolo, and Chicago. Travolta was once asked if regretted turning down those roles, and he said, “not every movie I make has to be a hit.” If I were Travolta, I might say, “yes, and if you notice that my manager mysteriously disappeared, don’t come looking for me.”

ROB LOWE — Rob Lowe turned down Patrick Dempsey’s role in Grey’s Anatomy, and unlike John Travolta, Lowe willingly admits his mistake. He said, “I coulda been McDreamy! It’s an occupational hazard. It happens to everybody. The great thing is that Patrick Dempsey is so great in that part and he’s such a great actor. If I’d have done that I wouldn’t be doing this great part and having this fun on Brothers And Sisters. It all works out.” The irony of that quote is that Lowe eventually left Brothers And Sisters amidst speculation that he hoped to be more of a leading man. He also left The West Wing during the height of its success, in favor of The Lyon’s Den, which was canceled after just six episodes. Perhaps the ensemble cast is the way to go, after all.

MARY LOUISE PARKER — Mary Louise Parker turned down Teri Hatcher’s role in Desperate Housewives. While promoting Weeds on The View, the panel of yentas asked Parker if she regrets her decision, and she simply said, “no, it wasn’t my role.” She was then accosted with the same question fifty more times. Parker held firm, and repeated that “it wasn’t [her] role.”  The truth is, this really did work out for everyone involved. What would Weeds be without Mary Louise Parker?

DENZEL WASHINGTON — Denzel’s career has taken a bit of a beating in recent years. But then again, so has Hollywood in general. He admitted in an interview that he turned down the role in I, Robot, which later went to Will Smith. Personally, I didn’t like the film, but it made a killing at the box-office.

WILL SMITH — I’m closing this post with Will Smith, who might be guilty of the worst choice in movie history.  He turned down the role of Neo in The Matrix, in favor of Wild Wild West.  Enough said.

Katherine Heigl Addresses her “Image Problems” — Handles it Well

Katherine Heigl addressed her image problems head-on, while promoting her new film. Though I’ve picked on Heigl for “biting the hand that feeds her,” I think her response shows that she’s on the right track.  The truth is that most of what she said in the press was correct.  It all started with Grey’s Anatomy, when Isaiah Washington called T.R. Knight a faggot on set, and the creators brushed it aside, leaving Knight to handle the media bedlam on his own.  Heigl bashed both the show and Washington, in defense of her best friend.  She scored major points with me for doing so, and then quickly squandered my support when she publicly discussed her contract negotiation with Grey’s Anatomy, saying that she called it off because “she wasn’t getting the respect she deserved.”  Everyone knows that you don’t publicly discuss your contract — it’s unprofessional.  To make matters worse, she took herself out of the Emmys, because she didn’t feel that the writing was good enough to warrant an award.  Again, it’s not the best idea to insult your writers, especially since writer fatigue is common on a long-running show, and an actor can’t expect great material for five seasons straight.  She also called Knocked-Up ” sexist,” which didn’t sit well with Seth Rogen and Judd Apatow, who later bashed her on Howard Stern.  Personally, I thought the movie was sexist, but it’s not exactly a press-friendly statement.  So here’s the moral of the Katherine Heigl story — sometimes she’s right and sometimes she’s not.  If the girl could just reign it in a little, instead of becoming a robot that churns out the stereotypical answers in interviews (which I predict we will start to see), she’ll be just fine.  Watch her discuss the issue below.

Dear Howard Stern — Fire Your Programmer

It’s bad enough that Howard Stern spends his entire life on vacation.  It’s even worse that while he is on vacation, he chooses to play “Howard Stern’s Worst Shows Ever,” for the entire week.  Yesterday he played the “Peacock Years,” which is basically his shitty radio show during his NBC years.  Even Stern himself has admitted that his early shows were terrible, so you would think he would play more recent shows while he’s on vacation.  The man is the King of all celebrity interviews, yet he never airs “the greatest Howard Stern interviews of all-time.”  Instead, I’m forced to listen to these torturous shows.  His voice isn’t even the same.  He used to alter it, and it sounds unbearably nasally.  To make matters worse, when I switch to his other channel, I’m forced to listen to the other shitty radio hosts that were hand-picked by Stern.  Translation? — I’m screwed.  Either give your other channel to a decent radio host (like Adam Carolla) or give me another option for your show.