THE DISHMASTER

Hell hath no fury like a Baldwin baby scorned. Ireland Baldwin took to tumblr to write a post that can only be described as admirable, gutsy, and Alec-esque. The blonde bombshell received some undeserved criticism about her body, and she wasn’t pleased with the predictable haters. She addressed the infamous voice-mail from her father, the comments about her weight, and the comparisons to her mother. Read some choice quotes below.

On her father’s public voice-mail

I had nothing to do with anything that happened back then, so I don’t fully understand why I am being targeted. More importantly, my Dad has moved on. He recognized that he needed to change, so he made changes. He is now healthy, happily married with a baby on the way. He moved on, so why can’t you?

On the difference between her and her mother

She is 5’9, I am 6’2. She is petite and fragile, and I am fit and…. more to love tehe. I have a booty, she has a thigh gap. As she emerged from her teen years, she developed an angular face and striking cheekbones. I am still a teen making my way out of my awkward phase. I am still trying to figure this whole thing out.

On stepping out of her parents’ spotlight

I am proud to be my parent’s daughter, but I don’t want to forever be known as ‘that rude thoughtless little pig’ or ”’Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger’s kid.’

I don’t know much about Anne Hathaway, but one thing seems certain — she’s humorless. When the world is criticizing you, the only way to squash that criticism is to self-deprecate and laugh, and she’s done neither. When James Franco addressed his Oscar hosting gig with Hathaway, word leaked that Hathaway was pissed, with what I can only believe are planted sources saying, “Anne would never air her dirty laundry in public and is intensely private. . . . It’s opened up old wounds, is totally unnecessary, and she’s fuming.” First of all, why is Anne Hathaway perfectly fine with laughing at Tina Fey’s Golden Globes’ joke about James Franco’s poor Oscar-hosting job, but she’s not okay with laughing at any jokes directed at her? Furthermore, you’d think the girl who hilariously poked fun at Claire Danes on SNL would also be able to poke fun at herself. My advice for Hathaway’s PR team is to have her host SNL again, get an award every five minutes and give cartoonish acceptance speeches. If Alec Baldwin can survive every dagger thrown in his direction, so can Anne Hathaway.

“I can tell you that, in all honesty, I don’t think he’s in a good position to be giving interpretations of what the theater is and what the theater isn’t. I mean, he was never in the theater. He came into a rehearsal room for six or seven days and, uh — you know, sometimes film actors — I mean, there are people who are film actors who have a great legacy in the theater. Some of the greatest movie stars had really serious theater careers and still do. And many film actors, though, who are purely film actors, they’re kind of like celebrity chefs, you know what I mean? You hand them the ingredients, and they whip it up, and they cook it, and they put it on a plate, and they want a round of applause. In the theater, we don’t just cook the food and serve it. You go out in the garden and you plant the seeds and you grow it. You know, it’s a really very, very long, slow, deliberate — it’s the opposite of film acting. It’s a much more intensive and kind of thoughtful process. And there are people who that’s just not their thing. So for those people who I think it’s not their thing, I’m not really interested in their opinion of it. But thanks.” Alec Baldwin, on Shia LeBeof’s tweet about theater after Shia dropped out of their Broadway play.

“I want it to be different. When I was younger, I was married to a woman who was very successful . . . . When you’re both in the business, you both know that you’re going to light one film off the other. It’s like chain smoking. You just have to do one after the other. You sense that this isn’t right, you have this daunting, overwhelming, overarching priority that takes you away for long periods at a time . . . . Now I’m with someone who’s not in the business and I would like to have a different life this time, have it be more normal . . . . If you took a stopwatch and a calendar and you mapped out how much time you really got to spend that was private and real, it’s startlingly little. You put a lot of energy into your work . . . . You do the best you can at the time, but a marriage has to be a priority.” Alec Baldwin to Total Film Magazine, on the things he learned from his first marriage to Kim Basinger, and the things he’ll do differently this time around.

There’s narcissism — and then there’s narcissism.  Though Karl Legerfeld is an unequivocal fashion genius, only an ego-maniac would interview himself. I realize that this is simply an idea gone wrong, rather than a representation of his character, but  let this be a lesson to everyone. Only Alec Baldwin could pull off the idea below. Watch and enjoy.

Though I am not a vegetarian, I am fundamentally against killing animals for sport or smiling beside the dead body of an animal one just killed. Such is the case with Rosie O’Donnell, who has recently sparked controversy for appearing with her children beside a dead hammerhead shark, which she caught while shark-fishing in Florida. Sharks are over-fished and risk extinction, and Florida recently banned the activity (note: the activity was banned after O’Donnell’s heinous excursion). To make matters worse, this isn’t her first time shark-fishing. O’Donnell made light of it when the public got angry, issuing a mock service announcement, which included a dig at Donald Trump. I realize that humor can often get one out of trouble (see Alec Baldwin), but that tactic is inappropriate here.

Alec Baldwin is the king of public-relations-damage-control. You’d think the guy would go into hiding until the dust settled from his verbal spar with the American Airlines crew over Words With Friends. But Baldwin did the opposite. He appeared on Saturday Night Live as the pilot, insisting that “Alec Baldwin is a national treasure.” Watch below.

When rumors surfaced that Alec Baldwin “boycotted” the Emmys because Fox nixed his phone hacking joke from the opening segment, Baldwin was quick to clarify the situation with the Huffington Post. According to Baldwin, he had a previous commitment to Tony Bennett’s charity, and he never planned to attend. But just when you thought there was no ill-will, Baldwin got a witty dig in, saying, “I understand News Corps.’ reluctance to include that joke. If I were accused of illegally hacking into the private phone messages of the families of innocent crime victims and doing so purely for profit, I would be eager for that scandal to go away, too.” Fox defended its decision, saying it had nothing to do with being humorless, and the choice was based solely on respecting the innocent victims involved in the scandal. To be fair, Fox probably made the right choice. America has a fleeting memory, so the less you mention something, the more likely everyone is to forget about it.

When the Weiner scandal broke, I had a lot to say and a lot of questions. I turned to my male friends, asking them to explain why a man would enjoy online sex, especially when such online sex primarily revolves around pictures of his own genitalia. Plus, his wife is hot. So what gives? Is he an over-sexed guy in need of constant affirmation? Is his wife a prude? Perhaps he’s just a pervert? My guy friend kindly pointed me to Alec Baldwin’s article with the Huffington Post, which basically answers all of the above questions. And I’d like to close this post by saying — of all the celebrities I fantasize about having coffee with — Alec Baldwin is number one.

When people ask me if I’m a “writer,” I always say no. I tell them I’m “aspiring.” The reason? Every so often I read articles like the one Alec Baldwin just wrote for Huffington Post, and it’s confirmed that I have a lot of work to do before I get there. Baldwin wrote an open letter to Charlie Sheen, and it’s brilliant. He told Sheen to “beg for his job back,” and he shared a very personal anecdote that illustrated his own frustrations with the entertainment industry. When I studied film in college, my professor actually discussed this story about Baldwin, and he told the class that Baldwin turned down the opportunity to star in the sequels to The Hunt for Red October, because he wanted to star in A Streetcar Named Desire on Broadway in hopes that it would solidify his status as an A-list actor. My professor said it’s considered one of the greatest blunders in Hollywood history. After reading Alec Baldwin’s recanting of what really happened, I’m convinced that Baldwin would kill my professor.  It turns out the the movie studio (Paramount) was negotiating simultaneous deals with Alec Baldwin and another A-list actor for the same part, thus breaking the law.  The movie studio owed this unnamed actor money for a previous deal that fell apart, and casting him in Alec’s role would not only save them money, but potentially help their film by casting someone who’s a bigger box-office draw.  The studio knew Alec wanted to star in the play, and they insisted that the production schedule could not accommodate Baldwin.  The implication from Baldwin’s letter is that the studio played hard-ball in hopes that Alec would drop out so they could employ the other actor.  If that’s true, it worked.  So what’s the thesis of Baldwin’s lesson?  “You can’t win,” and “no actor is greater than the show itself when the show is a hit.”  He therefore thinks Sheen should “sober up,” “get back on TV” and “buy John Cryer a really nice car.”