THE DISHMASTER

When Adam Lambert finished American Idol, rumors circulated that Queen asked him to join their band. But he chose a solo career instead, presumably because he wanted an independent career, which he thought would give him more industry longevity. But years later, he might have changed his mind. According to reports, he’s joining the band on their summer tour. Personally, I think this is something he should have done a long time ago, but better late than never. After all, when one of the world’s greatest bands in history asks you to be their lead singer, you accept. Watch him perform Bohemian Rhaphsody during his American Idol audition. He sure has come a long way.

Well, folks — it’s the time of year when The Dishmaster says, “I told you so.” According to reports, Paula Abdul, Nicole Scherzinger, & Steve Jones have all been fired from X Factor (or as Hollywood puts it — their options were not picked up). Though I love to pat myself on my back, this prediction was an easy one. Jones received criticism for months and Scherzinger was not only a terrible host, but she also caused outrage for eliminating Rachel Crow. Also, Simon took a legitimate swipe at her on the air, which proved true the rumors of animosity. As for Paula Abdul, I’m sad to see her go, but it had to happen. Choosing her made the panel look like a poor man’s American Idol.

Hollywood is run by nepotism, and so is every other industry on the planet. So lets stop feigning outrage at Jim Carrey’s daughter skipping the line on American Idol. Have you ever asked your parent to recommend you for a job? Have you ever pulled strings to get back stage at a concert? We’ve all wiggled our way through a line in our lives, it’s just that some people are better at hiding it. And as an aside, why is Jane Carrey “waitressing on and off?” Isn’t she Jim Carrey’s daughter? Watch her audition below.

When I heard that Kelly Clarkson would appear on The Voice, I thought, “Wow, that’s really strange. Isn’t she the chick that won American Idol?” As it turns out, I’m not the only person intrigued by the choice. American Idol programming executive Mike Darnell said, “It’s a compliment to Idol, that other shows want to use our superstars on their shows. We’re not hiring a lot of people on The Voice to be on our show.” It is a little strange to tout Kelly Clarkson as famous enough to mentor up-and-comers, considering that fame is solely attributed to a competing show. I bet the development executives in charge of her selection hadn’t even thought about it until the media brought it to their attention.

A new promo for X Factor was just released — and the show looks good. Though Simon Cowell insists that the format is completely different than American Idol, the truth is that wherever Simon Cowell goes — ratings will follow — format or not. In fact, I think it’s fair to say that the real “X Factor” is Simon Cowell and not some random contestant that will win five million dollars in the end. That man sure is a genius, though. He’s going to pocket hundreds of millions as the creator of a show he ripped off from Simon Fuller.

Here’s the history of the Simon Cowell v. Simon Fuller feud in a nutshell. Simon Fuller created a show in the UK called ‘Pop Idol,’ which is where Simon Cowell got his television start. At the time, the Simons were good friends. Cowell then jumped ship by creating ‘X Factor,’ which was basically a rip-off of ‘Pop Idol.’ Since Cowell was deemed a “creator” of ‘X Factor’ (a credit he did not get on Pop Idol), he received a lot more money for the new show. Fuller sued Cowell, claiming that ‘X Factor’ was a rip off of Pop Idol (which it was). The parties settled, and the settlement included Fuller getting Executive Producer credit on ‘X Factor’ (and most likely a percentage of the back-end profit). So here’s where it gets sticky. Simon Cowell pulled the same move twice, by jumping ship on ‘American Idol’ in favor of ‘X Factor’ (note: the same rule applies — Cowell stands to receive much more money because he’s a creator of ‘X Factor’ and he is not a creator of American Idol). Fuller sued, saying that according to their original settlement, he should receive Executive Producer credit on the American version of ‘X Factor.’ Are you ready for Fox’s official response? They said, “His suit seeks payment and credit as an executive producer despite his neither having been approved by the required parties, nor hired, as such. We believe this lawsuit is without merit and we expect to prevail.” Nice try, guys. It’s completely irrelevant whether the “parties” approved him as an Executive Producer or whether he actually rendered any services on the new show. What matters is his settlement. He created a show, his friend ripped him off, and he’s entitled to some dough. That’s the long and short of it.

The tragedy of a celebrity breakup is that there’s an internet time capsule with interviews of happier times. Let this be a lesson to famous couples everywhere — don’t publicly declare your love — you might pay for it later. Speaking of paying for it, I’m posting a video of Jennifer Lopez and Mark Anthony’s performance on American Idol, to show that Jennifer Lopez has a very nice ass, and these two might have actually liked each other at one point in time. Actually — they look like two titans competing for stage time. Perhaps that’s the lesson. Don’t marry someone of the same celebrity stature. No one wants to share a spotlight.

Before I launch into my tirade about Haley Reinhart’s abysmal performance of Alanis Morissette’s ‘You Outta Know,’ I’d like to profess that I blame this entirely on the judges, who picked the song. Haley has an extremely sweet persona, and she simply cannot pull-off the angry chick thing. I might be biased, though. I confess that I’ve personally sung this song in my car approximately 5,000 times, and I scream especially loud when I hear the lyric, “and every time I scratch my nails down someone else’s back I hope you feel it.” Perhaps Haley is a little too young to fully understand what it means to ask a man if he’s thinking of her when he “fu*ks” another chick. Give it a few years and a few terrible guys, and then ask her to perform the song. As for the horrific judges, as expected, they said nothing negative. How many days until Simon Cowell is on the air again? Watch below.
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I just came across this quote from Randy Jackson about ‘The Voice,’ and I have to share it. When asked what he thinks of the new singing show, Jackson called it “gimmicky.” Then he said (and here comes the good part), “Maybe Simon Cowell should have people opening doors. Like, ‘Knock, knock; Who’s singing? I can’t see you!’” Who knew Jackson was such a jokester! I also think the show is gimmicky, but I must admit it’s a guilty pleasure. Besides, I’d rather have a gimmicky show that’s entertaining than the reformed version of American Idol — which sucks.

Simon Cowell isn’t just a genius because he can spot talent in the industry, he’s a genius because he can spot talent for his own show too. When Paula Abdul left ‘American Idol,’ Simon Cowell mentally checked out of the show. He knew it was downhill from there, and he therefore gracefully finished out his contract before departing. He also knew that he was sitting on a gold mine. He knew that if he could trounce ‘Pop Idol’ in England with ‘The X Factor,’ he could do the same to ‘American Idol.’ He has a personal investment in killing those shows because he owns ‘The X Factor,’ which means the show’s success puts a lot more money in his pocket. When the stakes are that high, the man better be careful about who he chooses for the show. According to Deadline, he’s chosen Paula Abdul. It’s not official in the press yet because, even though Abdul’s deal is “closed,” she has yet to sign on the dotted line. At this stage in the contract negotiation, it’s fair to say we’ll be seeing her on the show. Despite the media criticism about Paula Abdul, she was an essential component of ‘American Idol’s’ success, and she had great chemistry with Simon Cowell. I therefore give him major props for the choice.

UPDATE: IT’S OFFICIAL!