THE DISHMASTER

I don’t know much about Anne Hathaway, but one thing seems certain — she’s humorless. When the world is criticizing you, the only way to squash that criticism is to self-deprecate and laugh, and she’s done neither. When James Franco addressed his Oscar hosting gig with Hathaway, word leaked that Hathaway was pissed, with what I can only believe are planted sources saying, “Anne would never air her dirty laundry in public and is intensely private. . . . It’s opened up old wounds, is totally unnecessary, and she’s fuming.” First of all, why is Anne Hathaway perfectly fine with laughing at Tina Fey’s Golden Globes’ joke about James Franco’s poor Oscar-hosting job, but she’s not okay with laughing at any jokes directed at her? Furthermore, you’d think the girl who hilariously poked fun at Claire Danes on SNL would also be able to poke fun at herself. My advice for Hathaway’s PR team is to have her host SNL again, get an award every five minutes and give cartoonish acceptance speeches. If Alec Baldwin can survive every dagger thrown in his direction, so can Anne Hathaway.

A writer by the name of Sasha Weiss took the time to write a ridiculous piece defending Anne Hathaway by explaining why she’s unlikable, and it nearly made my head explode. According to Weiss, the public dislikes her because “she represents the archetype of the happy girl, which is one that many people resist.” There are also other ludicrous explanations that I cannot repeat for fear that I’ll become physically ill. I resent the implication that the public likes to take “happy-girls” down a peg.

If Ms. Weiss is reading this, I’d like to educate her on the true reason for the public’s dislike. Hathaway appears inauthentic, insincere, and disingenuous. The public likes authenticity, and that’s why Jennifer Lawrence has become so popular. You cannot fake these things. If you practiced your Oscar speech in front of a mirror your entire life, then it will appear canned — as it did. Furthermore, who on earth would think it’s okay to utter something as pretentious as “Here’s hoping that someday in the not too distant future the misfortunes of Fantine will only be found in stories and never in real life.”

To honor the last day of Black History Month, I’ve posted Anne Hathaway’s I-Have-A-Dream speech. Enjoy!

James Franco stopped by Letterman to discuss his Oscar hosting failure, and there was no better place to vent. Letterman still jokes about his own failure as an Oscar host, so he clearly empathized with Franco. Franco was very funny during the interview, saying that a lot of people thought he was “under the influence” but he blames Anne Hathaway for the misunderstanding. According to Franco, her energy was so insane, “the Tasmanian devil would look stoned next to her.” Why do I get the strange feeling that James Franco and Anne Hathaway actually hate each other? To be fair to Franco, they were equally bad. But I give him a lot of credit for having a sense of humor about it.

I’ve never appreciated Hugh Jackman so much in my life. There’s something to be said for picking seasoned performers to host the Oscars, and it’s fair to say that Anne Hathaway and James Franco do not qualify. Their opening video package was terrible, as was Anne Hathaway and James Franco’s feeble attempt at jokes. At one point the camera panned to Anne’s mother in the audience, who told her to “stand up straight,” and I almost changed the channel. For a moment I thought Hugh Jackman might come to the rescue and do a number with Anne, but no such luck. Instead, Anne sang a parody of On My Own, in reference to Hugh backing out of their performance. It wasn’t funny, and it was instead extremely uncomfortable to watch. Despite popular belief, it’s not my style to tear people apart on my blog, but choosing these two to host the Oscars is simply inexcusable, and it needs to be said. They should not have been asked and they should not have accepted. There are a lot of seasoned executives involved in this decision-making process, and they should know better. I’m furious.

Be careful James Franco.  When you call the comedic mastermind that is Ricky Gervais “horrible” and say he “bombed” at the Golden Globes, you just set yourself up for disaster.  First, earn your stripes before you start throwing daggers at such a successful comedian.  Second, I’d like to place a bet that you and Anne Hathaway will be the worst hosts in Oscar history.  And lastly, how dare you.  Watch below.

The very funny Whitney Cummings once told Howard Stern how annoying it is that actors think they’re funny just because they can read lines written by comedians. Judging by the new promos for this year’s Oscars, Whitney’s got a point. I have absolutely no clue why the Academy thought hiring two non-comedic actors to host an awards show would be a good idea, especially since even the greatest comedian has trouble keeping the audience entertained. Watch the extremely unfunny promo below, and try not to fall asleep.

There’s a rumor floating around that Katie Holmes is pissed about Anne Hathaway’s Saturday Night Live impersonation of her.  TomKat’s camp denies this, but since they didn’t publicly say it was funny, I’m guessing they hated it.  The impression is so dead-on accurate, I think Anne Hathaway actually did Katie Holmes a major favor.  Pehaps she should take the time to study the impression so she can figure out why she comes off so strange in interviews.  Watch below.  It starts around the three minute mark.

After seeing Anne Hathaway naked for most of this movie, I have two things to say.  First, she needs to stop doing interviews about how she’s unnattractive.  Second, if you’re wondering how to properly execute nudity in a movie without it feeling forced and gratuitous, then go see Love And Other Drugs — because Edward Zwick (the director) pulls it off masterfully.  The movie is about Maggie (Anne Hathaway) and Jamie (Jake Gyllenhaal), who accidentally fall into a relationship after fighting very hard against it.  Maggie has early onset Parkinson’s, and she’s afraid Jamie will eventually realize he can’t handle it and dump her.  Her solution is to dump him first.  Sounds like most women I know (minus the Parkinson’s).  Jamie is a womanizer whose affection for Maggie starts with sex and ends with love.  This movie survives solely on the insane chemistry between Anne Hathaway and Jake Gyllenhaal.  This is their second movie together, and I recommend they become a new, romantic team, much like Spencer Tracy and Katherine Hepburn.  Good chemistry is hard to come-by, and so are good love stories.  So go see the film.