THE DISHMASTER

Simon Cowell won’t go down without a fight. He got the best in the business to sit on his panel, and he brutally fired the previous panel because they didn’t bring the goods. With the addition of Britney Spears’ fan-base and Demi Lovato’s young audience, it’s a guaranteed ratings win. Good job, Simon, and may ‘The Voice‘ go down in flames.

Whenever I think my brother and I are dysfunctional I remind myself of the Oasis brothers, who make my brother and I look like members of The Partridge Family. All this time I blamed Liam for their issues, but ever since Oasis split up amidst their kin-infighting, I realized they both might be to blame. During a recent concert, Noel Gallagher demanded that his concertgoers stand, saying they looked as if they were “at the cinema,” and he then called out, “Do you have to sit down?!” I absolutely hate when people stand at a concert when it’s unnecessary. In fact, I’m always tempted to throw M&Ms at people who are swaying back-and-forth during lower tempo songs while getting drunker. Sure I’ll dance for Britney Spears, but Noel Gallagher?

“I’ve had my heart broken plenty of times. Three times, actually. I was fifteen the first time. She cheated on me, and I broke up with her. That’s reason enough, right? ‘Oops, sorry, see you.’ I’d been going with her for a year. The second one I saw for a year and a half. And the third one” – and here he paused, thinking of Spears – “was for three and a half years. It was the same with her as with the first girl who broke my heart and the second. They’ve all gone down the same way. All of them. Three strikes, I’m out. I mean, she has a beautiful heart, but if I’ve lost my trust in someone, I don’t think it’s right for me to be with them. I’m not going to let my baggage with somebody else become my baggage with a new person. But I’ll tell you, man, I have little, little hope. Three strikes. Little hope.” Justin Timberlake told Rolling Stone in 2003 about Britney Spears shortly after their breakup.

I used to stand in front of my mirror with a fake snake around my neck pretending to be Britney Spears, imagining that I could dance like her. Years later, I’m confident I can dance better than her. That has more to do with her decline than my improvement. But after watching Saturday Night Live, it appears I have someone new to impersonate. Robyn killed it. Watch below.

Every girl loves the bad boy, so it only makes sense that I love Britney Spears’ new video, ‘Criminal.’ She chose Jason Trawick as her love interest, presumably because the heavy sex scenes are more comfortable with someone she’s already had sex with. They clearly have chemistry. Watch below.

Britney Spears appeared on ET to promote her upcoming tour, and she actually looks fantastic. I’ve certainly picked on Britney’s overall look in the past, so it’s only fair to give her a compliment when it’s due. Watch below.
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Tonight was a big night for Britney Spears. Though she’s appeared on different shows, she has yet to perform at an awards show since the MTV Video Music Awards debacle. When I first heard she’d be performing at the Billboard Music Awards, I thought it was a tabloid rumor. Then I heard the details, and it immediately became clear. Rihanna carried it, and Britney did a brief, one minute performance. Overall, it was fine. Since I’ve attacked Britney Spears for her recently lack of choreography, I’d like to note that Rihanna’s performance indicates that choreography isn’t essential to success. In fact, all you have to do to entertain the crowd is dress like a whore and gyrate on stage. Oh yeah — and wear a thong while imaginary men reach their hands toward your exposed ass. I’m not a prude, though — I just call it like I see it. Watch their performance below.
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I’m not against airbrushing an imperfection here and there, but when you airbrush someone’s entire face beyond recognition, I draw the line. There’s a girl on the cover of Harper’s Bazaar this month, and I can’t figure out if it’s Heather Morris or Britney Spears. Her face is so insanely airbrushed, which is confusing considering how pretty Britney Spears is without all that crap. Can this garbage please end? What happened to the days when photographers were responsible for actually taking a decent picture, and couldn’t rely on this post-photo machinery? Isn’t it cheating?

I promise that this is my last post about Britney Spears’ choreography.  I’ve said it twice already, and I’m only saying it a third time in hopes that her people come across this blog and fix the issue.  I have no idea why Britney Spears cannot dance anymore.  I originally thought it was nerves, but I’m starting to think she lost her edge.  I know her album is great, and I’m still a fan.  But there is an astronomical difference in her dance quality from when she first entered the business versus now, and it’s almost bizarre.  Has she forgotten how to dance?  Her choreography is incredibly easy, and her movements still aren’t crisp.  She’s walking around the stage while occasionally moving her arms around.  I’ve always defended her lip-syncing, because it was virtually impossible to sing live while executing her dance-heavy movements, but at this point, there’s no excuse.  Either sing live while surrounded by professional dancers, or actually dance.  It’s one or the other. Watch her appearance on Jimmy Kimmel below, and then watch her vintage David Letterman appearance to see the difference.

Rumors are circulating that Enrique Iglesias bailed on Britney Spears’ upcoming tour because he was upset over money and billing. Apparently, he wanted a larger percentage of the ticket sales, and he felt that the tour was promoted as if Enrique was opening for Britney, instead of co-headlining with her. If this is true, then he should have a long talk with his team, because there’s no excuse for bailing on a tour this late in the game over a contract dispute. I highly doubt Britney would have announced the tour on Good Morning America unless the deal was closed. So did Enrique want to renegotiate his deal after hearing the public’s reaction to the announcement? I’m not sure. His people have since stated that he simply “didn’t need the tour,” as he’s “already on a sold out tour.” Yeah — sure that’s true. That’s why he started negotiating this in the first place. All I know for sure is that this is extremely sloppy, and either Enrique or his representatives need to be more professional. You don’t have your co-headliner announce a tour at one of the biggest shows in the United States, only to subsequently bail. It makes everyone look bad.