THE DISHMASTER

Written By: Rik Sault

At age 80, Dan Rather may be trying to embody one of his many memorable quotes: “You can’t be a good reporter and not regularly be involved in some kind of controversy.”

Rather unceremoniously parted ways with CBS after an infamous 60 Minutes segment about George W. Bush going AWOL during his Vietnam-era stint as an Air National Guardsman. The September 2004 story was based on photocopies of memos criticizing young Bush’s performance, but the documents were widely debunked as fake. CBS commissioned an independent investigation of the debacle and Rather, among others, was faulted for failing to properly vet the documents. Rather left CBS in 2006, after 43 years with the network.

At first, Rather apologized for the incident, saying that CBS news could no longer vouch for the authenticity of the documents. But he eventually changed course, indicating that CBS was too quick to fold and proclaiming, “Nobody has ever proven that the documents were not what they purported to be.” On September 19, 2007, Rather sued CBS for $70 million, alleging breach of contract and fraud, but one of New York State’s Appellate Divisions dismissed the case in 2009.

Now, Rather is on tour promoting his new book, Rather Outspoken: My Life in the News. A large part of the book deals with his departure from CBS and his ongoing tirade against what he perceives as the corporatization and trivialization of American journalism. In the book he says that CBS chief Leslie Moonves has a “spine of Jell-O.” In Rather’s opinion, while Moonves is a great asset to the entertainment division at CBS, he has undermined the strong history of CBS news. He also describes Katie Couric, who anchored the CBS Evening News from 2006 to 2011, as “News Lite.” On a prior occasion, he opined that it was a mistake to try to bring the “Today show ethos” to the CBS Evening News, and to “dumb it down, tart it up in hopes of attracting a younger audience.”

When Dan Kurtz recently asked Rather to appear on his CNN show Reliable Sources, Kurtz received no response. Kurtz talked about Rather on his show anyway, and he asked the question that many of us our wondering, “Why is Dan Rather still pushing and defending this story, this discredited story?”

Some sources says he has spent more than $5 million on his crusade. As a sage friend of mine pointed out, if he would have just dropped it, people would have long forgotten about the Air National Guard incident. So why won’t Dan Rather take my friend’s advice and just drop it?

Could it be that he is simply carrying a chip on his shoulder after his fall from grace? Or maybe he was forced to endure years of corporate and political limitations on his journalistic freedom while working for CBS, and after he left his post he is now free to cry out.

Whether he is a zealous champion of real American journalism or a stubborn, 80-year-old Texan (or both!), his actions do seem to ensure that he will not soon be forgotten. While his ratings towards the end of his CBS career lagged behind those of NBC’s Tom Brokaw and ABC’s Peter Jennings, his dogged tenacity and borderline liberal conspiracy theories may ensure that his Wikipedia entry is more oft-viewed than either of them.

Howard Stern is the only man who could get to the bottom of why Leah Remini and Holly Robinson Peete were fired from The Talk. Sara Gilbert, Julie Chen, and Sharon Osbourne appeared on Howard Stern’s radio show to promote The Talk, and Stern grilled them for an explanation. Though Stern implied that Chen was to blame because of her marriage to CBS honcho Les Moonves, Gilbert quickly came to her defense and explained that the studio and the network made the final decision, and Chen didn’t have a say. Stern then pressed Osbourne, who is always honest. She quickly said that the chemistry was clearly off with the prior panel, and she therefore had a feeling they’d get the boot. Stern also asked Chen to confirm whether she insisted on being present when hot-button subjects were discussed, and she admitted that because of her journalist background, she was the only one who knew how to avoid a lawsuit. So what have we learned from all of this? We learned that the television industry is very similar to high-school, so you better make nice with the popular girls, especially when one such popular girl is dating the captain of the football team.

I’ve recently discovered Whitney Cummings’ newly created show, ‘Two Broke Girls,’ and I liked it until episode three. In the episode, Kat Dennings and Beth Behrs visit Goodwill, and when Behrs suggests the price of the eight dollar shoes is too expensive, Dennings scolds her, saying, “I can’t believe you’re trying to shoe her down.” As a Jewish Dishmaster who has been the subject of offensive, bigoted jokes throughout my life — the reference was immediately clear. It’s a pun on “Jew her down.” I understand that Kat Dennings is actually Jewish in real life, but the line wasn’t written by her, and even if it was — it would still be bigoted. Not cool, guys. The Dishmaster demands an apology.

When I first watched ‘The Talk,’ I knew almost immediately that the show would not survive with its panel of hosts. The women didn’t gel, and the only person that I thought had true talent was Julie Chen, who, similar to Barbara Walters’ role on ‘The View,’ is a real journalist (though there is only one Babs). So it’s no surprise that three of the original hosts have been given the axe. This includes: Leah Remini, Holly Robinson Peete, and Marissa Jaret Winokur. Leah Remini recently admitted to the firing (or “not having her option picked up” as it goes in Hollywood), which I appreciate. There’s no need to develop some elaborate excuse about not wanting to return (hear that Megan Fox?). Though I feel bad for them, this was a good decision on CBS’ part. First, Remini wasn’t funny. She’s an actress not a comedian. Unlike Whoopi Goldberg, Joy Behar, and Sherri Shepherd, Remini not only lacks the timing necessary to navigate those segments, but she also is the rare breed of annoying, which includes thinking you’re funny when you’re not (at least Julie Chen never attempted jokes). As for Holly Robinson Peete, she just wasn’t particularly interesting or funny. I hate to be harsh, but I’m glad CBS got their act together. There are rumors swirling that Kris Jenner might be the new co-host, which is actually a good idea. Despite my love/hate relationship with the Kardashians, they are relevant — like it or not.

The only show on Oprah’s new network, OWN, that is getting the proper attention, is the behind the scenes footage of Oprah’s CBS show. That makes sense, especially because Oprah works best as an on-air personality, instead of a development executive. I’m not quite sure what she’ll do with this new gem when she goes off the air, but I’m sure she’ll think of something similar. Because I love when celebrity-bad-behavior gets exposed, the Jennifer Hudson drama is my favorite clip so far. In a nutshell, Jennifer Hudson was scheduled to appear on Oprah, and after showing up for the sound check, she flew out that night to perform at a private party. Because of a blizzard, her return flight was delayed. Basically — She stood up the Queen. Oprah and her team were extremely pissed — and rightfully so. You don’t schedule an Oprah appearance and then book a private party just so you can make some extra money in between. It’s risky and unprofessional. Judging from the clips below, she learned her lesson. Click to watch.

Jennifer Hudson Stands up Oprah

Oprah Scolds Jennifer Hudson

If there’s a public interest in losing your job, you might as well cash in on it, right? When Barbara Walters asked Katie Couric if she was leaving CBS during her appearance on The View, Couric squirmed. At the time, I knew why. She didn’t want to give The View a huge amount of press with nothing in return. Why not make some money on your job loss? Couric chose People Magazine for her big announcement, and I imagine they paid her a pretty penny for the revelation. If there truly wasn’t bad blood between Couric and CBS, she might have gladly given CBS the free publicity.

Despite everything you read in the press about Charlie Sheen’s Two and a Half Men firing, I’m still 100% convinced CBS wants him back. Though I have no inside information on this one, I know Hollywood — which means I know that it’s ruled by money, and no amount of shenanigans is worth losing hundreds of millions of dollars for. And let’s be clear — Charlie Sheen’s firing will cost CBS that amount of money, because he slaughtered their cash cow. Sure, they could “replace” him, but it will never be the same, and those shows without him will hurt CBS’ syndication money. If I were Les Moonves, I’d take Charlie Sheen back in a second. Yes, he’s crazy. But the combination of Charlie’s 60 million dollar loss, along with CBS’ lost syndication money — makes a perfect match for his return. Crazy or not.

There’s an unwritten rule in Hollywood that you don’t sue the the big dogs, because the amount of money you’ll win from your suit won’t equal the amount of money you’ll lose from “never working in this town again.”  If you’ve ever attended a private high school, then you might understand the Hollywood clicks and connections.  That’s why I was shocked to read that Bret Michaels sued CBS and the Tonys for the injury that occurred during the 2009 Oscars.  I imagine that the actual cause of action is negligence, because Michaels argues that he wasn’t properly instructed how to exit the stage to avoid the set falling on his head.  He claims that the head injury ultimately resulted in his brain hemorrhage six month later.  Though he could probably win for the head injury that occurred during the show, I doubt he’d win for the subsequent brain hemorrhage.  To win, Michaels has the hefty task of proving that, if not for the set falling on his head, he would not have suffered the brain hemorrhage, which is virtually impossible.  There’s no definitive way of identifying what caused the hemorrhage.  This suit is therefore not worth burning Hollywood bridges.  At the very least, you probably won’t see Michaels at the Tonys again, or on any CBS show.  That’s a big bridge to burn.  As an aside, thank goodness for this law school thing.  Without it, I wouldn’t be able to properly analyze the consequences of having a Rock of Ages set fall on your head.  Isn’t education wonderful?  Watch Bret get flattened by the set below.

Warner Bros. (the studio that produces Two and a Half Men for CBS) announced the end of Charlie Sheen today, firing him before the remainder of the season. I’m actually shocked by the news, not only because I ‘thought the studio would rather take the personal risk of employing a crazy actor, than the financial risk of killing their cash cow. Having said that, Charlie Sheen’s antics just cost him $60 million dollars, and then some. Because the show was shut down prior to the remainder of the season, that means CBS doesn’t have to pay Charlie Sheen for the eight episodes that went un-produced. Let me break this down in simpler terms to make the point clear. When actors sign television contracts, they get paid per episode, for “all episodes produced.” For example, if Sheen was fired mid-season, and then Stamos was hired to take his place, CBS would have to pay both Stamos AND Sheen, because Sheen’s contract said he gets paid for every episode produced in that season, whether he’s in the episode or not. Unfortunately for Sheen, CBS shut down production entirely, before finishing the last 8 episodes of the season. Translation — if the episodes weren’t made, then Sheen doesn’t get paid. Since Sheen makes 2 million dollars per episode, that means he just lost 16 million dollars. If only he could have contained his crazy for the rest of the season — he might have been able to hold off a predictable future bankruptcy a little longer (has he learned nothing from Nic Cage?). He also could have just acted like a normal human being and stayed on the the show until it ran it’s course. Just to make your jaw drop at his stupidity, just one more season of Two and a Half Men at $2 million per episode would have likely earned him $44 million. That’s a total of $60 million. Sheen’s lawyer is currently arguing that he should be paid for the remaining eight episodes of the current season, even though Warner Bros. never produced them. Good luck, Charlie.

There’s a handful of celebrities I’ve retired from my blog, and Charlie Sheen is about to join the list. He’s currently doing a self-destructive press tour, and the media is thrilled. Why not interview someone when they’re hitting bottom? It makes for good television, right? Though Sheen now denounces AA, I don’t. That means he will have to forgive me for using the standard terms that he currently loathes. Sheen has clearly relapsed, and he’s a sick man. His behavior wouldn’t be so upsetting if it didn’t cause so many people to lose jobs. Because CBS shut down production of Two and a Half Men, many hard-working, under-paid employees are losing their paychecks, which is extremely sad. I feel sad for Charlie and I feel sad for the crew.  That being said, the media needs to stop preying on a man when he’s clearly ill.  Have some moral integrity.