THE DISHMASTER

This is more shocking than the news that the tooth fairy only left a dollar under my childhood pillow (I deserved way more). Despite my consistent disapproval, Christina Aguilera will return to season five of The Voice with a sizable paycheck. Though I didn’t have inside knowledge of her contract, I assumed she was sacked. But even The Dishmaster can eat crow. I really did like Shakira, but all good things can’t last forever . . .

“Actually, the challenge I’ve always had is being too thin, so I love that now I have a booty, and obviously I love showing my cleavage.” Christina Aguilera, on her body challenges. As an aside, I realize that the title of the post could be considered mean, and it moderately contradicts the anti-bullying philosophy of this blog. That being said, since I’ve heard from many reliable industry insiders that Christina Aguilera is not a nice person, I don’t feel bad about it. After all, two wrongs make a right.

I will try my hardest not to judge Green Day frontman Billy Joe for joining ‘The Voice.’ It’s a popular show, he’s a popular guy, and he has to stay popular — because he has an album coming out. That being said, my vitriolic hatred for Christina Aguilera and my talent show fatigue makes this revelation difficult. Watch their interview below, and by “their,” I mean hers, considering he barely got a word in.

I’d like to take this opportunity to thank Christina Aguilera for confirming to the outside world what industry insiders have known for years — she’s a huge bitch. This confirmation took place on tonight’s episode of ‘The Voice,’ when Christina outwardly criticized Tony Lucca and Adam Levine’s song choice, objecting to the lyric, “99 problems, but a bitch ain’t one.” According Radar Online, the fight between Levine and Aguilera started earlier today, and it obviously continued on-air. Apparently, she felt the lyric in question was specifically directed at her, presumably because . . . well . . . if the shoe fits. After Lucca performed, Aguilera’s disdain became immediately clear when she claimed the lyrics were “derogatory toward women.” And since Adam Levine is a complete badass, he explained to the audience that the lyric isn’t about women in general, but it’s a metaphor for anything bringing you down. Aguilera didn’t buy it, and a verbal brawl began. But Levine cleverly had the last word, removing his button-down to reveal a “Team Xtina” shirt. As an aside, Tony Lucca killed it, and Adam Levine is unequivocally the best coach. Maybe she can ask him for advice if her option gets renewed. Watch below.

I had the pleasure of attending a live taping of The Voice tonight, and it’s now unequivocally clear that this show won’t survive without a major overhaul. Though it has an intriguing gimmick, there’s some glaring issues that need to be addressed. First, there’s absolutely no emotional connection with the contestants. Sure American Idol gets attacked for pulling on America’s heartstrings with cheesy video packages, but those packages serve an important purpose. They make you root for a contestant, and you become invested in that contestant’s success. With The Voice, I found myself struggling to remember the contestants for anything other than what they wore on a previous show. Second, the judges are choosing people based on who is most similar to their own style. For example, Christina Aguilera predictably chose Ashley De La Rosa, because Ashley’s performance is the most similar to the way Christina performs. She’s not an inside A&R person like Simon Cowell, and if she was, she’d know right away that Moses has more potential for a sustainable career in the industry. And lastly, whoever styles the contestants needs to make some serious changes. These kids don’t look like stars. And they should. Don’t believe my criticism? Then just look to the Season 1 winner, Javier Colon, who has yet to hit it big. If they can’t make their winner a star, then they lose all credibility.

My favorite part of The Voice is the interaction between the judges, and I especially love when that banter involves cracks at Christina Aguilera’s expense. Watch below to see Blake Shelton and Christina Aguilera fight over a contestant. When Christina insulted Blake, she followed it up with, “I love you Blake. I’m still going fishing with you.” Blake then said, “Good, I’ll drown you.” Since I have it on very good authority that they actually dislike Christina, the clip is even funnier.

If I were a contestant on The Voice, it would take me one millisecond to choose Blake Shelton as my mentor. The reason? He’s the only judge with post-show loyalty. It’s not about winning the show, it’s about what happens after you win the show, and a huge part of an artist’s success is whether other artists with more fame promote them. And Blake Shelton constantly promotes Dia Frampton and Xenia, two contestants from the last season of the show. Sure Adam Levine won with Javier Colon, but does he invite him to sing at Maroon 5 concerts? In fact, Dia Frampton is joining Blake Shelton on tour. You can’t beat that type of exposure. There is no way Christina Aguilera would make that same type of offer.

“Christina Aguilera is one of the best singers on earth, but she is not one of the best coaches.” Adam Levine’s critique of Christina Aguilera while fighting for a contestant to join his team on ‘The Voice.’

I have absolutely no idea what Christina Aguilera was thinking when she wore that Herve Leger dress while performing with Maroon 5 at the American Music Awards. To put it plainly, it just wasn’t flattering, and something tells me that Aguilera either shot-down her stylist or doesn’t have one. I’m comfortable pointing this out, not only because it was a completely inappropriate style flop, but also because I’ve heard from about 500 people in the industry that Christina Aguilera is not a nice person, which serves to assuage my Jewish guilt. Watch the performance below. She enters the stage around minute two.

Christina Aguilera appeared on The Today Show with Matt Lauer to discuss her new hit show, The Voice, and it’s time to take her to task on her appearance. Since everything I’m about to say can be fixed, please refrain from verbally attacking me. First, her extensions are absolutely hideous. And the platinum blond hair color does not help. To put it simply, it looks trashy. Second, she needs to hire a new stylist. I’m not sure what look she is attempting to portray, but her dress is not flattering. She’s curvy, and she’s wearing an extremely tight baby doll dress. And lastly, what’s with all the makeup? She’s a pretty girl — so there’s no need to completely paint her face with caked on makeup and red lipstick. When you’re on a hit show, you have to think about these things. Again, someone needs to point this stuff out — and I suppose I have the unfortunate task of doing so. Sigh . . . it’s hard being The Dishmaster.

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