THE DISHMASTER

I don’t know much about Anne Hathaway, but one thing seems certain — she’s humorless. When the world is criticizing you, the only way to squash that criticism is to self-deprecate and laugh, and she’s done neither. When James Franco addressed his Oscar hosting gig with Hathaway, word leaked that Hathaway was pissed, with what I can only believe are planted sources saying, “Anne would never air her dirty laundry in public and is intensely private. . . . It’s opened up old wounds, is totally unnecessary, and she’s fuming.” First of all, why is Anne Hathaway perfectly fine with laughing at Tina Fey’s Golden Globes’ joke about James Franco’s poor Oscar-hosting job, but she’s not okay with laughing at any jokes directed at her? Furthermore, you’d think the girl who hilariously poked fun at Claire Danes on SNL would also be able to poke fun at herself. My advice for Hathaway’s PR team is to have her host SNL again, get an award every five minutes and give cartoonish acceptance speeches. If Alec Baldwin can survive every dagger thrown in his direction, so can Anne Hathaway.

I’m unsure when the Elton John/Madonna feud began, but it appears from my research that Elton John started it at the Q awards in 2004 when he insulted Madonna’s previous win in his acceptance speech, saying, “Madonna, best f***ing live act? F*** off! Since when has lip-synching been live? That’s me off her f***ing Christmas card list but do I give a toss? No.” He continued his tirade at last night’s Golden Globes during the red carpet, saying that she didn’t have a chance in hell of winning the award. After the win his partner, David Furnish, posted a furious message on his facebook page, saying, “Madonna. Best song???? F**k off!!!” Madonna winning Best Original Song truly shows how these awards have nothing to do with merit. Her acceptance speech was embarrassing in its narcissism. And her criticism of Gaga shows how desperate she really is.” Wow — either Elton John is a sore loser or there’s information about his relationship with Madonna that we don’t know about. Did she kick his dog or something? Watch clips from their feud below.

Acceptance speeches at awards shows usually involve three solid minutes of dropping every big industry name the recipient can recall, likely in hopes of maintaining the relationships that keep the actor employed. It’s rare that those speeches have personal touches, but Danes pulled it off. She won for Homeland, and she cited the time fifteen years ago when she won for My So Called Life and she forgot to thank her parents, saying that she’s happy to have the opportunity to correct the error. Might I also add that she was the most deserving actress for that award? Her performance in Homeland is insanely fantastic. Watch her speech below.

Someone needs to check the definition of “outing.” Just because you make a joke about someone’s sexuality doesn’t mean that you’ve exposed some inside information about that person’s personal life thereby “outing” them. For years people have questioned Foster’s sexual preference and she’s never confirmed or denied it. She doesn’t have to, and I’m sure she’s used to others bringing it up. She is comfortable with the speculation, and Gervais is comfortable poking fun at the issue. Plus — something tells me Foster has a sense of humor about herself.

As expected, Ricky Gervais delivered the goods at the 2012 Golden Globes. Though I found him to be a bit tamer than anticipated, he still took some much-loved jabs at Hollywood’s biggest stars, including Johnny Depp, whom Gervais asked if he’s seen The Tourist. Depp was a good sport, and confessed that he hadn’t. He also compared the Golden Globes to the Oscars only “without the esteem?” Watch below.

Be careful James Franco.  When you call the comedic mastermind that is Ricky Gervais “horrible” and say he “bombed” at the Golden Globes, you just set yourself up for disaster.  First, earn your stripes before you start throwing daggers at such a successful comedian.  Second, I’d like to place a bet that you and Anne Hathaway will be the worst hosts in Oscar history.  And lastly, how dare you.  Watch below.

I will make this post short and sweet.  Ricky Gervais announced that he’s being pursued to host the Golden Globes again, but he isn’t sure he’ll accept.  In response, the Golden Globes powers-that-be insist that they never extended an offer his way.  Here’s what I know for sure.  The more hullabaloo, the better the ratings, and the better the ratings, the more likely Ricky Gervais is to be asked back.  I can only guess that the Golden Globes are denying it because Hollywood doesn’t like to discuss behind-the-scenes matters until the dotted line is signed.  But controversy doesn’t get people fired in Hollywood, it gets them hired (with the exception of Mel Gibson, of course).

Would you judge me if I admitted I’m attracted to Ricky Gervais? Sure, he’s openly gay, but it wouldn’t be the first time I’ve liked a gay man.  Okay, it was high school — don’t judge.  So why the attraction?  Because, as you can see from the video below, Gervais won’t cower to the criticism about his Golden Globes performance.  He insists he did nothing wrong, saying that if he kissed celebrity ass instead, it would be “nauseating.”  I completely agree.  First, what do you expect when you hire Gervais for the job?  And second, most celebrities are raging narcissists with no sense of humor.  So it’s only fitting to take them down a peg.

UPDATE: Well, this is embarrassing. Ricky Gervais isn’t gay. The kind commenter below pointed out that he’s had the same girlfriend for the last 29 years. Next time I make a personal confession on my blog, I’ll be sure to do my research.

Jennifer Lopez wasn’t pleased with Ricky Gervais at the Golden Globes, saying that there was an uncomfortable silence in the room while he was telling his jokes.  And Lopez had no problem threatening Gervais directly.  Upon seeing him backstage, she said, ‘Listen! I will kill you, you understand, I am from New York, my husband fights, we both fight, we will beat you up after the show … with a couple of bleep bleeps in there.”  First of all, I imagine that the Lopez wasn’t sitting at the “fun table,” during the show, so it doesn’t surprise that her friends are also humorless.  Second, if you can’t take a joke, then don’t go to an awards show hosted by Ricky Gervais.  Having said that, I fear for Gervais, who would likely lose in a throw-down with Jennifer Lopez.

Robert De Niro accepted the Cecil B. DeMille award at last night’s Golden Globes, and he clearly hired comedy writers for his speech. It’s common knowledge in Hollywood that De Niro hates doing interviews, and hates public speaking. That’s why you rarely see him promote his movies on late night talk shows (unless of course he produced the movie, in which case he promotes the hell out of it, because it’s more money in his pocket). That explains why he would try to be funny, and why he would hire outside writers for help. The only funny joke in the entire speech was his self-deprecating jab at Little Fockers, saying, saying, he’s “glad the Hollywood Foreign Press decided to give him the award two months ago, well before they had a chance to review Little Fockers.” Other than that, he made some very inappropriate jokes that didn’t fit his personality at all. Can’t the guy just get up there and give a thank you speech that he wrote himself? Sure, it might be boring. But it wouldn’t be inappropriate.