THE DISHMASTER

I have to admit that I’m not a Lady Gaga fan. I find her to be indulgent and inauthentic. Plus, I don’t love her music. Having said that, her performance of ‘Edge of Glory’ on Howard Stern blew me away. Dave Grohl once said that his acoustic performance of ‘Everlong’ on Howard Stern put Foo Fighters on the map, and I have a feeling Gaga will join Grohl in the Howard Stern history books. Listen below.

Artie Lange finally returned to the radio air-waves, but he curiously talked with Nick DiPaolo and not Howard Stern. His choice of venue might make you scratch your head. After all, wouldn’t the great Howard Stern want Artie’s first interview since his suicide attempt? Before you question Artie’s loyalty, you might like to know that Howard Stern won’t let Artie back on the show. How do I know this? — Because it comes straight from the horse’s mouth. In an interview with Rolling Stone, Stern said, “[Artie] said to me recently that he would be willing to come on the air and explain what happened and stuff. I don’t even feel strong enough within myself or that I’d be doing the right thing by him, because I don’t want to do the wrong thing for Artie. I just want Artie to stay alive.” So there you have it. Stern took on a lot of guilt when Artie attempted suicide, so much so that he rarely mentions him on the air. Though his fans have complained, Stern insists that he doesn’t feel right discussing him. That’s probably the right decision.

“When you’re almost 90 years old you don’t have the luxury of waiting to recover from something. You get one day and then you go, ‘let’s live some more life.’” Howard Stern on Hugh Hefner having a new girlfriend so soon after his fiance left him.

“I wonder if he ever banged JLO to her own song. I bet she insists on it.” Howard Stern on Marc Anthony’s sex life with Jennifer Lopez.

“Ted Kennedy essentially ran away from killing a woman . . . and he went on to become a senator that was honored and respected. In the history of scandal . . . this guy sexting a picture of his cock in his underwear . . . this poor motherfucker didn’t even get to fuck any of these broads.” Howard Stern’s take on the severity of the Anthony Weiner scandal.

Kevin Bacon had a very funny interview with Howard Stern today, where he disclosed his hatred for weddings, because the DJ always plays Footloose, followed by the entire wedding party’s expectation that Bacon dance to the song. As Bacon appropriately pointed out, weddings are supposed to be about the bride and groom, and not about the guy who starred in Footloose. I suppose I found this story particularly funny, because I can relate. Though I didn’t star in Footloose, I find myself avoiding Bar Mitzvahs for fear that the DJ will play YMCA, and I’ll break out into a cold sweat while remembering my Bar Mitzvah laden childhood. I’ve often approached the DJ at Bar Mitzvahs and said, “listen, I spent an entire year of my life hearing that horrible song every weekend, and I would appreciate you not playing it. I’m sure you can predict what happens next — he plays it.

“If you want to take your life and ride around on a bicycle, just do me one favor. When things aren’t going well for you when you’re older and u don’t have health insurance and you don’t have any money in the bank because you spent your youth riding a bicycle instead of building your career, I don’t want you complaining, and I don’t want you going on welfare, and I don’t want you asking me for a handout. That’s all.” Howard Stern on his staff-member’s terrible decision to quit Stern’s radio show so he could bicycle around the country for an entire year.

‘The Hangover’ director Todd Phillips called Howard Stern today to promote his sequel, and he’s officially on The Dishmaster sh*t-list. First, he sounded exhausted and boring, and second, he took aim at Robin Quivers, saying he was “over her.” When Stern prodded, Phillips said she upsets the rhythm of the show, and she’s “changed for the worse with her constant interruptions.” I’m sure Quivers incited his anger after insulting his film, ‘Due Date,’ saying that no one saw it. When Phillips informed Quivers that the movie made “$200 million” worldwide, Quivers responded with, “from where? Thailand?” Clearly the guy can’t take a joke, because his retaliation was far worse than her original insult. Since I’m a huge fan of both Robin Quivers and Howard Stern, I’d like to tell Todd Phillips to suck it. Also — he should go to bed early the next time he makes a Stern appearance. That might help with his boring disposition.

When you watch the clip below, you’ll understand why there is not much to say about Paris Hilton’s new reality show. In short, she’s just as terrible as you might expect. But in an effort to avoid negativity on The Dishmaster, I will quote the great Howard Stern who recently discussed Paris Hilton on his show. Stern said, “She is a c*unt. She’s the worst human being on the planet. She’s not even a human. She’s just so heinous. She has no inner soul. It’s sickening. She’s a monster.” And there you have it. Watch below and judge for yourself.
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Jesse James stopped by Howard Stern today to promote his new book, American Outlaw, and true to form, Howard Stern made me like Jesse James. James shed light on his marriage, saying that he and Bullock were having problems, and their adopted son brought them closer together. Though James hadn’t cheated for 11 months at the time his affairs were revealed, Bullock left him immediately after she learned of his infidelity. He said that most normal marriages might have survived, but Bullock was under media pressure to dump him, and she caved. He also revealed his issues with Bullock’s acting career, saying that he found her naked movie scenes “weird,” especially since she was involved in the production process, and she was hand-picking the hottest actors to co-star with. He said he felt as if he was “in a box” during the course of their relationship, because he was unable to behave the way he normally would, given that he was so concerned about ruining his wife’s image in the press. My only major issue with the interview was at the end, when Howard Stern asked James who was better in bed, and he called it a “no-brainer,” saying that Kat Von D is 100% better. That might be true, but some things are better left unsaid. Damn you Howard Stern for making me like Jesse James again. Stern could make a tub of goo look like a diamond necklace.