The Dishmaster

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Jessica Simpson Archive

Saturday

19

September 2015

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COMMENTS

Was Jessica Simpson Drunk on #HSN?

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Though I wasn’t there and I don’t know Jessica Simpson personally, I’d bet some serious cash on the fact that she was under the influence during her recent HSN performance. Rumors have long circulated that she has issues with alcohol, and I dismissed their validity until watching the video below. Her team has been quick to dismiss the drama, suggesting that she was simply being her quirky self and being off a script can lead to less than perfect moments. Here’s my note for Jessica’s team: I can tell the difference between a drunk person and a nervous ditz. In case you don’t believe me, watch the video of Lauren Katlin attempting to answer a simple question during a pageant. Jessica’s Simpson’s slur-fest is video two.

Friday

17

October 2014

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COMMENTS

Dane Cook Has Had a Lot of Gross Groupie Sex

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Dane Cook is a clear example of a comedian that should have landed an A-list lady in his prime, because he’s now the guy with a dirty p*nis that f*cked hundreds of groupies and insults Jessica Simpson for sport. Perhaps I’m humorless, but I feel defensive of the reigning fashion diva whose managed to make nearly a billion dollars. If she’s “dumb,” may we all forgo a few brain cells for her success. Also, leave it to the press to pounce on Dane’s insult instead of the alarming amount of groupies he gave it up to. That is GROSS, and he should soak his sausage in boiling water.

Saturday

16

November 2013

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COMMENTS

Celebrity Instagram Pics — The Week’s Top Snaps

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If you know The Dishmaster, then you know I have a strict policy against publishing paparazzi pictures. I will; however, publish pictures posted by the celebrities themselves, and you can often find some gems on instagram. I’ve posted this week’s top snaps below. Enjoy!

Photo courtesy of Casper Smart

Jennifer Lopez and Casper Smart in Rome, sword-fighting in front of the legendary Coliseum. Photo courtesy of Casper Smart

Kristin Cavallari revealed her baby bump. Photo courtesy of Kristin Cavallari.

Kristin Cavallari revealed her baby bump. Photo courtesy of Kristin Cavallari.

Lindsay Lohan flashing artistic side boob. Photo coutesy of Lindsay Lohan

Lindsay Lohan flashing artistic side boob. Photo coutesy of Lindsay Lohan

Miranda Kerr in a nostalgic throwback to her Angels. Photo courtesy of Miranda Kerr

Miranda Kerr in a nostalgic throwback to her Angels. Photo courtesy of Miranda Kerr

Jessica Simpson looking slim for her Weight Watchers commercial. Photo Courtesy of Jessica Simpson.

Jessica Simpson looking slim for her Weight Watchers commercial. Photo Courtesy of Jessica Simpson.

Kelly Clarkson's wedding picture. Photo Courtesy of Kelly Clarkson.

Kelly Clarkson’s wedding picture. Photo Courtesy of Kelly Clarkson.

Monday

19

August 2013

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COMMENTS

Jessica Simpson Debuts “Crazy Beautiful” Daughter

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Photo Courtesy of Jessica Simpson

Photo Courtesy of Jessica Simpson

Jessica Simpson sure wasn’t kidding when she called her daughter Maxwell “crazy beautiful.” The totally adorable tot is slightly over a year old and recently became a big sister when the Fashion Star host and her beau, Eric Johnson, welcomed Ace Knute Johnson.

Wednesday

8

May 2013

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COMMENTS

Nick Lachey on Joe Simpson: “Played Grab-Ass on Easter Sunday”

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Andy Cohen sure knows how to cause drama. During ‘Watch What Happens Live,’ the 98 degrees singer confessed to not having spoken to Jessica Simpson in years, followed by the revelation that the “best thing about not having Joe Simpson as a father-in-law” is avoiding under-the-table grab-ass. I suppose we now know the real source of tension between Lachey and Papa Joe.

Wednesday

7

March 2012

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COMMENTS

Jessica Simpson Copies Demi Moore for Elle Cover — Naked & Unoriginal

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How many times can celebrities copy an idea before being called out on their originality? Jessica Simpson covers Elle Magazine this month baring her naked belly, and the photo is an exact replica of Demi Moore’s very famous 1991 Annie Leibovitz shoot for Vanity Fair Magazine. If I were Anne Leibovitz, I’d be pissed. No one likes a copy-cat. And for those that think it’s “the sincerest form of flattery,” you are wrong. Flattery doesn’t get me paid.

 
 
 

Tuesday

21

June 2011

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COMMENTS

Nick Lachey & Vanessa Minnillo’s Televised Wedding — Learned Nothing From Jessica Simpson

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What’s that saying? — “Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.” When Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson divorced, Lachey told Rolling Stone that the thought of cameras in his life now fills him “with a homicidal rage,” and he just “wants to push [the cameramen] down the fucking stairs.” That quote was in the context of his marriage ending, and the idea that he partly blamed his MTV show, ‘Newlyweds,’ for its demise. Years later, it appears he’s gotten over it. He and Vanessa Minnillo have decided to televise their wedding for a TLC special, and I can’t help but wonder if Nick Lachey will learn the same lesson twice.

Thursday

3

March 2011

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COMMENTS

Jessica Simpson on Simon Cowell’s X-Factor? I Vote Yes!

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There’s something very sad about this season’s American Idol — and I’m not referring to the loss of Simon Cowell (though that pains me as well).  It’s the loss of Paula Abdul.  There needs to be a beautiful, somewhat ditzy woman on the panel, who makes you tune in to see what crazy things she’ll say.  Since re-casting Paula Abdul would likely damage the new brand that X-Factor is trying to present, it only makes sense to cast someone similar.  Jessica Simpson is perfect!  Like Paula, Jessica Simpson has had a huge career, most notably with her fashion empire.  And also like Paula, Jessica has trouble expressing her point, and often comes off ridiculous in interviews.  She’s certainly more together than the often slurring Abdul, but I predict that Simpson’s interplay with Simon Cowell would be television magic.  Plus, I have a special attraction to woman with gigantic boobs and I’d like to see her outfits every week.  After all, I’m a Kinsey 2.

Tuesday

15

February 2011

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COMMENTS

Jessica Simpson’s New York Magazine Cover — Home Run

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There are many shocking revelations in Jessica Simpson’s interview for New York Magazine.  Though many might be shocked to learn that she’s a “fashion mogul,” with a company that will likely generally$1 billion in a single year, I’m mostly surprised by the cover.  I often pick on Jessica Simpson for her image issues, so it’s only fair to give her credit when it’s deserved.  She hit it out of the park with this cover.  No gratuitous sexy face — just art.  Good job, Jessica.

Thursday

6

January 2011

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COMMENTS

Adam Levine Poses Naked — Proves He’s In Love With Himself

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There’s only two singers I’ve stopped listening to solely because of their terrible personalities. If you read my blog, you could easily guess that the lucky singers are Adam Levine and John Mayer. I stopped listening to John Mayer when he began to act ridiculous in interviews, and the Jessica Simpson debacle officially put the fork in him. I banned Adam Levine for just about the same reason. I’m aware that he’s only one member of an entire band, but he’s annoying enough for me to cut off Maroon 5 as a whole. He’s in love with himself, and his new naked ad is no exception. I’ve pulled a quote for your enjoyment. Levine said, “I spend most of my life naked. In fact, I often have to be told by the people around me that it’s inappropriate to be as naked as I am. But I live in California, where it’s always warm, so why not?” First of all Adam, I also live in California, and I can assure you that I wore a very heavy jacket today because it’s too cold for nudity. Second, aren’t you secretly a dorky Jewish guy that couldn’t get laid for most of your teenage life? I don’t know for sure — but I’m guessing.  Maybe I just get angry when the Jewish guys date blond chicks — because you know — us Jewish brunettes are more attractive.

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