THE DISHMASTER

Andy Cohen sure knows how to cause drama. During ‘Watch What Happens Live,’ the 98 degrees singer confessed to not having spoken to Jessica Simpson in years, followed by the revelation that the “best thing about not having Joe Simpson as a father-in-law” is avoiding under-the-table grab-ass. I suppose we now know the real source of tension between Lachey and Papa Joe.

How many times can celebrities copy an idea before being called out on their originality? Jessica Simpson covers Elle Magazine this month baring her naked belly, and the photo is an exact replica of Demi Moore’s very famous 1991 Annie Leibovitz shoot for Vanity Fair Magazine. If I were Anne Leibovitz, I’d be pissed. No one likes a copy-cat. And for those that think it’s “the sincerest form of flattery,” you are wrong. Flattery doesn’t get me paid.

What’s that saying? — “Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.” When Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson divorced, Lachey told Rolling Stone that the thought of cameras in his life now fills him “with a homicidal rage,” and he just “wants to push [the cameramen] down the fucking stairs.” That quote was in the context of his marriage ending, and the idea that he partly blamed his MTV show, ‘Newlyweds,’ for its demise. Years later, it appears he’s gotten over it. He and Vanessa Minnillo have decided to televise their wedding for a TLC special, and I can’t help but wonder if Nick Lachey will learn the same lesson twice.

There’s something very sad about this season’s American Idol — and I’m not referring to the loss of Simon Cowell (though that pains me as well).  It’s the loss of Paula Abdul.  There needs to be a beautiful, somewhat ditzy woman on the panel, who makes you tune in to see what crazy things she’ll say.  Since re-casting Paula Abdul would likely damage the new brand that X-Factor is trying to present, it only makes sense to cast someone similar.  Jessica Simpson is perfect!  Like Paula, Jessica Simpson has had a huge career, most notably with her fashion empire.  And also like Paula, Jessica has trouble expressing her point, and often comes off ridiculous in interviews.  She’s certainly more together than the often slurring Abdul, but I predict that Simpson’s interplay with Simon Cowell would be television magic.  Plus, I have a special attraction to woman with gigantic boobs and I’d like to see her outfits every week.  After all, I’m a Kinsey 2.

There are many shocking revelations in Jessica Simpson’s interview for New York Magazine.  Though many might be shocked to learn that she’s a “fashion mogul,” with a company that will likely generally$1 billion in a single year, I’m mostly surprised by the cover.  I often pick on Jessica Simpson for her image issues, so it’s only fair to give her credit when it’s deserved.  She hit it out of the park with this cover.  No gratuitous sexy face — just art.  Good job, Jessica.

There’s only two singers I’ve stopped listening to solely because of their terrible personalities. If you read my blog, you could easily guess that the lucky singers are Adam Levine and John Mayer. I stopped listening to John Mayer when he began to act ridiculous in interviews, and the Jessica Simpson debacle officially put the fork in him. I banned Adam Levine for just about the same reason. I’m aware that he’s only one member of an entire band, but he’s annoying enough for me to cut off Maroon 5 as a whole. He’s in love with himself, and his new naked ad is no exception. I’ve pulled a quote for your enjoyment. Levine said, “I spend most of my life naked. In fact, I often have to be told by the people around me that it’s inappropriate to be as naked as I am. But I live in California, where it’s always warm, so why not?” First of all Adam, I also live in California, and I can assure you that I wore a very heavy jacket today because it’s too cold for nudity. Second, aren’t you secretly a dorky Jewish guy that couldn’t get laid for most of your teenage life? I don’t know for sure — but I’m guessing.  Maybe I just get angry when the Jewish guys date blond chicks — because you know — us Jewish brunettes are more attractive.

This post was originally supposed to be about how pretty Jessica Simpson looked at the Rockefeller Christmas Tree lighting.  Then when I tried to pull pictures of her outfit, I stumbled across the photo to the right, and I had to go to the dark place.  For the last four or five years, Jessica Simpson has picked up some very strange singing habits that she didn’t have when she first entered the business.  She opens her mouth extremely wide, and then belts out notes that are out of her vocal range.  This surprises me because singers are supposed to find their way over time — not lose it.  As a side-note, it doesn’t surprise me that she dated John Mayer, because they might have bonded over their mutual “O” faces.  Alright, I seriously don’t mean to pick on Jessica Simpson, I’m merely giving some very positive, constructive criticism.  After all, I’m so inundated with positive energy, it would be a shame not to share it.  Watch below.

I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again — the prettiest brunette will always be prettier than the prettiest blond. Am I biased? — Sure, but I’m the Dishmaster, and I’ll be biased if I want. To prove my point, I’ve compiled a list of actresses that were born blond, but decided to die their hair brown instead. Why? — Because they look better, of course. Enjoy!

SOFIA VERGARA — People often ask me who my girl crushes are, and Sofia is at the top of my list. She’s beautiful with a twist of sass. She confessed that she had trouble getting roles when she moved to the United States from Columbia, and she blamed it on her blond hair.  Once she went brown, she began to book jobs, and the rest is history.

LEIGHTON MEESTER — Just to contradict myself, I’ll admit that Leighton Meester actually looks better as a blond. She died her hair for Gossip Girl, presumably because the producers already had the blond Blake Lively to play Serena, and they saw Leighton’s character as a brunette. She actually died her hair before the audition. I’m posting two pictures of her below, so that you can see the difference and judge for yourself.

JULIA ROBERTS — For much of Julia Roberts’ career I’ve wondered if she was a natural red-head or brunette. It turns out she’s neither. Her natural hair color is actually dirty blond, but she prefers to keep it brown. Personally, I’d like her to keep her red Pretty Woman hair forever, but I don’t suppose she wants to be play the same part for the rest of her life.

AUDRINA PATRIDGE — When I watched Audrina on The Hills, I noticed something strange about her appearance. She didn’t quite look right, and when my friend told me she’s a natural blond, it clicked. Like Leighton, she looks better as a blond. It’s a shame too, because I so badly wanted this post to be about how brunettes rule the world. But you can’t have everything, I guess. To see her with blond hair, click here.

ASHLEE SIMPSON — When Ashlee first broke into the business, she tried very hard to separate herself from Jessica Simpson. That included dying her hair brown, and dressing like a grunge rocker. It didn’t quite work, and she has since changed her image about 500 times. She recently went back to blond, so I’ve posted her with both hair colors. See what you think.

In closing, I’d like to confess that I took some liberties with the word “actress” in the title of this post.  Please forgive me.

Heidi Montag sat down with Cynthia McFadden to discuss her insane plastic surgery, and she is singing a much different tune than she initially did. She says she did not feel properly informed by her plastic surgeon, who presented the surgery to her as if he was “selling cookies or something.” Though I’ve always found Heidi Montag moderately compelling, I have trouble believing anything she says. She and Spencer Pratt have masterminded cheap ways to keep their name in the press, and because it’s gotten so manipulative, I wonder if this interview is just another ploy to stay on the air. Although her plastic surgeon died in a car accident and is not alive to defend himself, he did encounter a lot of controversy immediately following Montag’s surgeries, and he said at the time that he didn’t think they were risky procedures and it’s not uncommon to do it all at once. If she’s trashing her dead surgeon’s name to extend her fifteen minutes, I imagine she’ll rot in hell. That being said, I’m in favor of trashing gratuitous plastic surgery. I’d also like to congratulate MTV, who might have had a hand in destroying her life, which they can add to their list of accomplishments, along with destroying Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey’s marriage. Hats off, folks! Watch the interview below. Perhaps she is being genuine.

Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey announced their engagement within days of one another, and Simpson insists that the timing is merely a “coincidence.”  Here’s what I know about announcements in the press — they are never a coincidence.  Remember when Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson announced their divorce on Thanksgiving day?  Do you think that was because they actually decided on their divorce at that time, or because they knew the press-attack would be at a minimum because entertainment news staffers were all on vacation.  These announcements are always calculated, and they usually come out weeks or even months after the actual event occurred.  My guess is that Jessica became engaged at least one month ago, and Nick Lachey’s engagement pushed her camp into releasing the news earlier than expected.  The press said she was “saddened” by the news, and she insisted she was happy for Nick  She obviously jumped the gun on the announcement because she was so annoyed by her “lonely girl” image  She should have waited, considering even an idiot knows that the close time-frame would lead to the engagements being lumped together.  It’s in poor taste.