THE DISHMASTER

“You don’t really know the person until you get divorced.” Joy Behar to Shannon Doherty, in response to Shannon’s assertion that the key to a successful marriage is to “know the person” you’re marrying.

‘Toddlers & Tiaras’ isn’t “controversial” — it’s objectively immoral. It’s not okay to sexualize young children, and it’s certainly not okay for a network to profit from a parent’s disgusting choices. In the clip below, you’ll see a four year old named Maddy Jackson appearing as Dolly Parton, which includes wearing fake breasts and a fake butt. The stir surrounding the show was recently discussed on ‘The View,’ when Eden Wood performed a song, and the show’s viewers erupted in fury. At the time, Barbara Walters argued that no one complained when Shirley Temple did it, at which point Joy Behar rightly pointed out that Shirley Temple was never sexualized. She never waved her ass around while wearing fake boobs. At some point, a network must take responsibility for where they churn profits, and this show needs to end. Everyone involved should be ashamed of themselves for ignoring the moral high-ground in favor of ratings. These are children.

When I first watched ‘The Talk,’ I knew almost immediately that the show would not survive with its panel of hosts. The women didn’t gel, and the only person that I thought had true talent was Julie Chen, who, similar to Barbara Walters’ role on ‘The View,’ is a real journalist (though there is only one Babs). So it’s no surprise that three of the original hosts have been given the axe. This includes: Leah Remini, Holly Robinson Peete, and Marissa Jaret Winokur. Leah Remini recently admitted to the firing (or “not having her option picked up” as it goes in Hollywood), which I appreciate. There’s no need to develop some elaborate excuse about not wanting to return (hear that Megan Fox?). Though I feel bad for them, this was a good decision on CBS’ part. First, Remini wasn’t funny. She’s an actress not a comedian. Unlike Whoopi Goldberg, Joy Behar, and Sherri Shepherd, Remini not only lacks the timing necessary to navigate those segments, but she also is the rare breed of annoying, which includes thinking you’re funny when you’re not (at least Julie Chen never attempted jokes). As for Holly Robinson Peete, she just wasn’t particularly interesting or funny. I hate to be harsh, but I’m glad CBS got their act together. There are rumors swirling that Kris Jenner might be the new co-host, which is actually a good idea. Despite my love/hate relationship with the Kardashians, they are relevant — like it or not.

I just watched two episodes of ‘Gene Simmon’s Family Jewel’s’ (yes, you should feel sorry for me), and it’s safe to say it’s even faker than ‘Keeping Up With the Kardashians.’ When I saw Shannon’s outburst on Joy Behar, I was convinced that they were actually having relationship issues. I must embarrassingly revoke my claim. Joaquin Phoenix once pretended to have a public meltdown, and he told Letterman he was trying to prove how easy it is to dupe people, because it’s shocking how easily people believe these reality shows, especially since reality stars are such terrible actors. The Simmons family is no exception. At one point Gene’s son confronts him about how he treated his mother, saying, “if someone hurt your mother what would you do?” It’s so histrionic that I actually looked away from the screen out of discomfort. I have to remind myself that Gene Simmons is a musician — not an actor.

Alexis Stewart appeared on ‘The View’s’ surrogacy themed episode to discuss her fertility issues, and I think it’s fair to say she has some other issues as well. Her appearance is a great example of why guests need to be pre-screened, regardless of their status. In the clip below, you’ll see that she speaks in circles, and even has trouble forming entire sentences. At one point, Whoopi Goldberg hilariously turns to the camera and makes a face of complete confusion. I’m guessing that Whoopi just threw in the towel while the other ladies made a valiant effort to make sense of her rambling. The only enjoyable comment came from Joy Behar when she asked Alexis if her mother, Martha Stewart, “knitted her a crib.” Watch below.

My Hollywood insiders tell me that 99% of reality television is fake. Because I’m a gullible dolt, I have trouble believing them. As a result, I think the clip below is real. In it, Shannon Tweed storms off the set of Joy Behar’s show, after her long-time partner, Gene Simmons, makes a joke about the many women he’s had sex with. There’s much speculation on the internet that it’s planned, but I just don’t think they are talented enough to pull off the spectacle. Plus, it’s entirely possible that they have already split up, and they are contractually obligated to promote the show, while also keeping the current status of their relationship a secret. Watch below and judge for yourself.
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Star Jones appeared on Joy Behar’s HLN show to promote her new book, Satan’s Sisters, and I was shocked to discover that she appeared agreeable and friendly. I’ve been picking on Star Jones a lot lately, mostly due to her poor behavior on Donald Trump’s Celebrity Apprentice. I was also shocked to discover that this interview took place at all. Star left The View in a very dramatic fashion, disclosing to the press that she was “fired” and announcing her departure before the producers had originally planned. Translation? — She pissed everyone off. Since then, she’s apparently become PR savvy, because everyone knows if you want to clear your image, you return to the scene of the crime. Since she’s likely banned from The View for eternity, Joy Behar’s show is the next best step. Watch the interview below.

I’ve heard Sherri Shepherd mention this before, and it’s so annoying I’m surprised I didn’t post about it the first time around.  When discussing what cards to send to friends during holiday season, Shepherd says she consistently sends Christmas cards that mention Jesus because “that’s what she believes in.”  When Behar asked if she sends those cards to her Jewish friends, Shepherd said yes, followed by the same ridiculous explanation.  First of all, may I just say that I find it absolutely infuriating when I’m given Christmas cards?  You guessed it — I’m a Jew.  I don’t believe in Jesus, and I don’t want your Jesus card!  Second, it’s incredibly selfish to use your own holiday as a barometer for what card to send out.  Allow me to use an analogy for Sherri Shepherd.  Should I give my friend who is allergic to chocolate a big box of chocolates for the holidays?  After all, that’s what I eat!  And if I eat chocolate, then she should too, right?

You have to admire the chutzpah of Tim Gunn.  The man has no fear, and the vintage interview below is no exception.  Joy Behar asked him what he thought of the Kardashian “look,” and he said that their style is “vulgar, cheap, and tawdry.”  When Behar said they are “sweet girls,” and they have appeared on her show, Gunn asked how they were dressed.  Behar said Kim looked pretty and Tim said, “she’s pretty but she’s a poser.  As soon as she moves it’s all over.”  I’m not sure what he means exactly, but it sounds pretty funny.  Does he mean that her ass is so large, he becomes distracted when she begins to walk?  I’m not sure, but I love Tim Gunn more and more every day.

I don’t know a lot of stuff.  But what I do know is that we will never agree on abortion.  I realize that pro-lifers think they can change minds by showing people pictures of fetuses, but I don’t think that works any better than members of PETA showing people videos of chickens being tortured.  You’re either pro-life or pro-choice, and that is that.  I often wonder if they bring up the topic just to test Elizabeth Hasselbeck’s ability to keep her head from exploding.  I’m sick of hearing the topic debated.  Has anyone ever witnessed someone discuss the topic and change their mind in the middle?  I’ve posted an old clip below — but trust me — it’s one of about five thousand discussions on The View about the issue.