THE DISHMASTER

If you took the qualities you liked from each Kardashian sister and put them togehter, you might actually get one, really-cool person. Who am I kidding? I’ll just take Khloe and forget the others. Watch below to see her very honest take on Kim Kardashian’s ass, and her opinion of Kris Humphries.

Though I usually do not take the time to insult people on The Dishmaster, today I will make an exception for Kris Humphries, who has quite possibly accomplished the least sexy attempt at sexy in the history of photography. What on earth was he thinking? Allow me to explain the lack of sexy. First, women aren’t as visual as men, so unless he’s trying to appeal to gay men, it’s pointless to take the Anthony Weiner route. Second, for those that know me personally, you’re aware of my bulge-predictor tactics, which I won’t elaborate on for fear that I will move this blog to R-Rated territory. Let’s just say that what some women might consider an asset, I’d consider a big “NO THANK YOU.” And lastly, why is he wearing a Halloween mask? When I play bedroom-dress-up, I want my man to wear a police uniform and throw me around. I don’t want him wearing face-paint and little underwear. Kim Kardashian created a monster.

I find it very convenient that Khloe Kardashian would call PETA a bully for flour-bombing Kim Kardashian on the red carpet when PETA has been known for this type of behavior for years. In fact, they’ve been doing this since 1999 when they threw red paint on Oscar de la Renta’s runway, and that was long before Khloe posed naked for the organization. Does she suffer from selective memory loss, or does she only denounce “bullying” when her sister is involved? And furthermore, though I don’t condone PETA’s behavior, if the goal was to get attention — they certainly succeeded.

Leave it to a quickie marriage to make Kim Kardashian lawyer savvy. She’s suing left and right for use of her image, and she’s standing firm on the Kris Humphries annulment issue. And now — she’s got a flour-bomber to deal with. When asked whether she’d sue the woman who attacked her on the red carpet, Kardashian said she’s thinking about it. If it were me, I’d not only press charges, I’d sue her too. Kardashian has the money, and the more celebrities who sue, the more likely it is that this type of behavior will end.
 
 

When Kim Kardashian responded to Jon Hamm’s comment calling her “stupid,” I thought, “Wow. She’s not as dumb as I thought.” In an interview with Elle UK Hamm said, “Whether it’s Paris Hilton or Kim Kardashian or whoever, stupidity is certainly celebrated. Being a f—ing idiot is a valuable commodity in this culture because you’re rewarded significantly.” In response, Kardashian said, “Calling someone who runs their own businesses, is a part of a successful TV show, produces, writes, designs, and creates, ‘stupid,’ is in my opinion careless. I respect Jon and I am a firm believer that everyone is entitled to their own opinion and that not everyone takes the same path in life. We’re all working hard and we all have to respect one another.” To be fair, I never actually thought Kim Kardashian was stupid. She’s one of the only reality stars (aside from Bethenny Frankel) to launch a multi-million dollar empire, and you never see her showing her crotch while stepping out of a car (yes, my standards are low). And furthermore, we don’t seem to mind when our friends get their foot in the door because of connections, yet we point fingers at famous people who do the same. It’s not what gets your foot in the door — it’s what you do once you’re there that’s important.

For defamation cases, there’s only one way to get sued — if you lie. Sure there’s a few more elements they taught us in law school — but if I told you what they were I’d get post-law-school-PTSD and break out in hives. So when Jonathan Jaxson claimed to have it on personal authority that Kim Kardashian’s marriage was staged, I thought, “He’s gotta be telling the truth. No one is stupid enough to openly expose themselves to such an easy defamation case, right? Apparently, he was that stupid. He settled with Kardashian, and that settlement included a public apology. Might I add that Kim Kardashian has turned into quite the shark? I’m moderately impressed.

Khloe Kardashian is by far my favorite Kardashian. In fact, she might be the only one I like at all. If you watched Kim Kardashian’s wedding special, then you would have seen Khloe tell Kim about her dislike for Humphries, and she even directly addressed her feelings with Humphries himself. When Kim’s marriage fell apart, Khloe somehow refrained from saying, “I told you so.” Watch Jimmy Kimmel ask Khloe about Humphries below.
 

A small part of me (a very small part) actually feels bad for Kim Kardashian. I think she was somewhat manipulated into this marriage by the people around her, and she thought it was better to go through with it than to jump ship. The worst part is that she seemingly found comfort in choosing her career over her personal life. She’ll never meet a man that’s comfortable on a reality show, and any man that is comfortable will likely have tainted intentions. Money is great, but you can’t take it with you when you die. You can take love with you though. Watch her confess to her failed marriage below.
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I’m not posting this clip because of Kim Kardashian. I’m posting it to illustrate just how much I miss Regis Philbin. When you watch, pay close attention to how much work Kelly Ripa has to do to keep the conversation entertaining. Sure Kim Kardashian discussed her tumultuous personal life, but without the E! edit, she’s not quite so interesting to watch. Ripa is basically laying verbal brick for fourteen minutes straight.

All I can say about the most recent clip of Sunday’s Kourtney and Kim Take New York is that Kris Humphries and Kim Kardashian successfully reminded me of all the reasons I hate being in relationships. Isn’t it wonderful when all the things you love about someone become the things you hate? Though they certainly set a record for the turnaround. Watch below Continue Reading