THE DISHMASTER

For years I’ve defended the Kardashians. Sure they don’t have discernible entertainment-related talent, given that they don’t sing, dance, act, host, or do stand-up comedy. But they’ve managed to market themselves to mainstream media on the heels of one pornographic sex tape, which has since been parlayed into clothing stores, fashion lines, fragrances, and a well-paid television show.  And that takes talent. In fact, I’d argue that the OJ Simpson trial, coupled with Bruce Jenner’s already existing media-name, is where it all began. With all the effort that went into building their empire, you’d think that the Kardashian Klan would be a little more careful about the brand that made them famous. Unfortunately, their actions as of late suggest otherwise, and their recent ratings-dip prove my point.

Kim Kardashian, arguably the most notorious sibling, has insisted that she’d like to step away from her sex-tape image, yet she continues to publish sexed-up photos on nearly every social media site (see duck face).  And though I was willing to let that slide, my disdain boiled over when the sister’s smelled each other’s private parts on ‘Kourtney & Kim Take Miami.’ When I saw the episode, I was most disappointed in E!, a network with desensitized executives who neglected to pull the plug on a bit that wouldn’t even pass Howard Stern’s smell test. And let’s not forget Kim’s vampire facial, which warrants a lot of words — but I’ll remove my profane-laced tirade and merely call it classless. As for the 72-day marriage, I won’t kick the girl while she’s down, but she made the choice to air every facet of her private life on national television, including walking around town in history’s most gaudy engagement ring, which made me fear for her life.

Kim’s pregnancy was a perfect opportunity to transition the Kardashian brand into something more mature, because all sex-pots have a shelf-life, and she’s approaching her expiration date. Instead, she’s struggling with maternity fashion, and insisting on wearing heels despite her ever-growing bump. I understand she wants to look good, but when you have your own fashion line — it’s best to be on-trend, and baby-bumps don’t go with heels. To be fair, I’ve heard through the Hollywood grape-vine that Kim Kardashian is incredibly kind and professional, and everyone loves to work with her. And in the land of The Dishmaster, that goes a long way. That being said, I will hold you accountable for your poor choices, and they’ve made some.

I don’t have much to say about this cover, other than it has to be one of the worst I’ve seen in recent history. The folks over at New York Magazine need to have a long conversation with the responsible party. And also — the original article is flooded with an insane amount of copy that should only be reserved Paul McCartney. I’m a viewer-on-the-go. If I’m going to make a twenty minute reading stop, it’s not going to be for Kim Kardashian.

New York Magazine

“One man’s trash is another man’s treasure.” 50 Cent on Kanye West’s relationship with Kim Kardashian.

If you took the qualities you liked from each Kardashian sister and put them togehter, you might actually get one, really-cool person. Who am I kidding? I’ll just take Khloe and forget the others. Watch below to see her very honest take on Kim Kardashian’s ass, and her opinion of Kris Humphries.

Though I usually do not take the time to insult people on The Dishmaster, today I will make an exception for Kris Humphries, who has quite possibly accomplished the least sexy attempt at sexy in the history of photography. What on earth was he thinking? Allow me to explain the lack of sexy. First, women aren’t as visual as men, so unless he’s trying to appeal to gay men, it’s pointless to take the Anthony Weiner route. Second, for those that know me personally, you’re aware of my bulge-predictor tactics, which I won’t elaborate on for fear that I will move this blog to R-Rated territory. Let’s just say that what some women might consider an asset, I’d consider a big “NO THANK YOU.” And lastly, why is he wearing a Halloween mask? When I play bedroom-dress-up, I want my man to wear a police uniform and throw me around. I don’t want him wearing face-paint and little underwear. Kim Kardashian created a monster.

I find it very convenient that Khloe Kardashian would call PETA a bully for flour-bombing Kim Kardashian on the red carpet when PETA has been known for this type of behavior for years. In fact, they’ve been doing this since 1999 when they threw red paint on Oscar de la Renta’s runway, and that was long before Khloe posed naked for the organization. Does she suffer from selective memory loss, or does she only denounce “bullying” when her sister is involved? And furthermore, though I don’t condone PETA’s behavior, if the goal was to get attention — they certainly succeeded.

Leave it to a quickie marriage to make Kim Kardashian lawyer savvy. She’s suing left and right for use of her image, and she’s standing firm on the Kris Humphries annulment issue. And now — she’s got a flour-bomber to deal with. When asked whether she’d sue the woman who attacked her on the red carpet, Kardashian said she’s thinking about it. If it were me, I’d not only press charges, I’d sue her too. Kardashian has the money, and the more celebrities who sue, the more likely it is that this type of behavior will end.
 
 

When Kim Kardashian responded to Jon Hamm’s comment calling her “stupid,” I thought, “Wow. She’s not as dumb as I thought.” In an interview with Elle UK Hamm said, “Whether it’s Paris Hilton or Kim Kardashian or whoever, stupidity is certainly celebrated. Being a f—ing idiot is a valuable commodity in this culture because you’re rewarded significantly.” In response, Kardashian said, “Calling someone who runs their own businesses, is a part of a successful TV show, produces, writes, designs, and creates, ‘stupid,’ is in my opinion careless. I respect Jon and I am a firm believer that everyone is entitled to their own opinion and that not everyone takes the same path in life. We’re all working hard and we all have to respect one another.” To be fair, I never actually thought Kim Kardashian was stupid. She’s one of the only reality stars (aside from Bethenny Frankel) to launch a multi-million dollar empire, and you never see her showing her crotch while stepping out of a car (yes, my standards are low). And furthermore, we don’t seem to mind when our friends get their foot in the door because of connections, yet we point fingers at famous people who do the same. It’s not what gets your foot in the door — it’s what you do once you’re there that’s important.

For defamation cases, there’s only one way to get sued — if you lie. Sure there’s a few more elements they taught us in law school — but if I told you what they were I’d get post-law-school-PTSD and break out in hives. So when Jonathan Jaxson claimed to have it on personal authority that Kim Kardashian’s marriage was staged, I thought, “He’s gotta be telling the truth. No one is stupid enough to openly expose themselves to such an easy defamation case, right? Apparently, he was that stupid. He settled with Kardashian, and that settlement included a public apology. Might I add that Kim Kardashian has turned into quite the shark? I’m moderately impressed.

Khloe Kardashian is by far my favorite Kardashian. In fact, she might be the only one I like at all. If you watched Kim Kardashian’s wedding special, then you would have seen Khloe tell Kim about her dislike for Humphries, and she even directly addressed her feelings with Humphries himself. When Kim’s marriage fell apart, Khloe somehow refrained from saying, “I told you so.” Watch Jimmy Kimmel ask Khloe about Humphries below.