THE DISHMASTER

If you took the qualities you liked from each Kardashian sister and put them togehter, you might actually get one, really-cool person. Who am I kidding? I’ll just take Khloe and forget the others. Watch below to see her very honest take on Kim Kardashian’s ass, and her opinion of Kris Humphries.

Though I usually do not take the time to insult people on The Dishmaster, today I will make an exception for Kris Humphries, who has quite possibly accomplished the least sexy attempt at sexy in the history of photography. What on earth was he thinking? Allow me to explain the lack of sexy. First, women aren’t as visual as men, so unless he’s trying to appeal to gay men, it’s pointless to take the Anthony Weiner route. Second, for those that know me personally, you’re aware of my bulge-predictor tactics, which I won’t elaborate on for fear that I will move this blog to R-Rated territory. Let’s just say that what some women might consider an asset, I’d consider a big “NO THANK YOU.” And lastly, why is he wearing a Halloween mask? When I play bedroom-dress-up, I want my man to wear a police uniform and throw me around. I don’t want him wearing face-paint and little underwear. Kim Kardashian created a monster.

Leave it to a quickie marriage to make Kim Kardashian lawyer savvy. She’s suing left and right for use of her image, and she’s standing firm on the Kris Humphries annulment issue. And now — she’s got a flour-bomber to deal with. When asked whether she’d sue the woman who attacked her on the red carpet, Kardashian said she’s thinking about it. If it were me, I’d not only press charges, I’d sue her too. Kardashian has the money, and the more celebrities who sue, the more likely it is that this type of behavior will end.
 
 

Khloe Kardashian is by far my favorite Kardashian. In fact, she might be the only one I like at all. If you watched Kim Kardashian’s wedding special, then you would have seen Khloe tell Kim about her dislike for Humphries, and she even directly addressed her feelings with Humphries himself. When Kim’s marriage fell apart, Khloe somehow refrained from saying, “I told you so.” Watch Jimmy Kimmel ask Khloe about Humphries below.
 

A small part of me (a very small part) actually feels bad for Kim Kardashian. I think she was somewhat manipulated into this marriage by the people around her, and she thought it was better to go through with it than to jump ship. The worst part is that she seemingly found comfort in choosing her career over her personal life. She’ll never meet a man that’s comfortable on a reality show, and any man that is comfortable will likely have tainted intentions. Money is great, but you can’t take it with you when you die. You can take love with you though. Watch her confess to her failed marriage below.
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All I can say about the most recent clip of Sunday’s Kourtney and Kim Take New York is that Kris Humphries and Kim Kardashian successfully reminded me of all the reasons I hate being in relationships. Isn’t it wonderful when all the things you love about someone become the things you hate? Though they certainly set a record for the turnaround. Watch below Continue Reading

There comes a point in almost every relationship when the things you loved about someone become the things you hate. Usually, that point happens after a few years together. But in Kim Kardashian’s case, it happened after a few months. The producers of Kourtney & Kim Take New York are editing Kris Humphries to look terrible, but both parties are clearly to blame. How do you marry someone without first deciding where to live? And also — who takes a bath in full makeup? Watch after the jump.
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Someone once told me that liars looks to the right when they answer a question. The best evidence of this theory is Kris Jenner’s response to Piers Morgan’s inquiry about Kim Kardashian’s short-lived marriage to Kris Humphries. Watch below.

It’s time for Kim Kardashian to cash-out of reality television. Her 72 day marriage ended after a ridiculous wedding special that clearly exposed the flaws in her relationship. There’s a clip of her crying on Bruce Jenner’s shoulder because she misses her late father, and she says, “I don’t want Kris to see me emotional because he didn’t know my dad.” Um — huh? If you can’t cry on your future husband’s shoulder — there’s a problem.

But there’s a bigger issue at play here. Why is Kim Kardashian continuing the reality television madness? Rumor has it she’s worth well over $100 million, which means she can move to an island and drink mojitos for the rest of her life. If you want that kind of fame, then don’t get married and don’t have children. No relationship can survive with cameras constantly around, and any man that’s okay with that is intrinsically flawed.

I feel sorry for Kim Kardashian. She seems like a nice enough girl that got caught up in a whirlwind that she can’t escape, and she’s sacrificed her personal life because of it. Get off the train, Kim — there’s still time. And if the rumors are true and this was an elaborate hoax meant for cash, then she might just rot in hell.

External Resource: It will take an experienced legal team, like those trained at online paralegal school, to help Kim Kardashian with her divorce.

I don’t often fantasize about a proposal, but if ever I do — allow me to say that video cameras are not involved.  I’m not sure why the Kardashian family lacks all sense of boundaries when it comes to their personal life, but they are somehow able to recruit other boundary-less individuals to join their clan.  Kris Humphries proposed to Kim Kardashian on television, and I can only assume he’s gone to the dark side.  Sure it’s nice to have “home videos” (as the Kardashians justify it), but home videos are usually meaningful because they are filmed by other close ones, not an entire camera crew.