THE DISHMASTER

If Charlie Seen calls out your antics, things are bad. Sheen appeared on Leno and confirmed the rumors that Lindsay Lohan’s tardiness tanked their Anger Management taping. Sheen would know a thing or two about struggling with addiction, but since he’s notorious for his professionalism regardless of his private “indulgences,” I’m assuming his empathy is limited. Watch below.

WRITTEN BY RIK SAULT, GUEST CONTRIBUTOR

In 2011, Lindsay Lohan filed suit against Pitbull for using her name in the lyrics to “Give Me Everything,” in which Pitbull proclaims, “I got it locked up like Lindsay Lohan.” Lohan alleged that this violated her privacy and publicity rights and caused her emotional distress.

Late last week, Lohan’s lawsuit was dismissed. US District Judge Denis Hurley ruled that the lyrics are a protected work of art under the First Amendment, and that even though the song was created and distributed to make a profit Lohan’s name was not “used for ‘advertising’ or ‘purposes of trade’ within the meaning of the New York Civil Rights Law.”

In Pitbull’s countersuit, his attorneys asked the court to sanction Lohan for filing a frivolous claim. The judge did not find Lohan’s suit to be frivolous, but he did impose a $1,500 fine on Lohan’s Long Island attorney, Stephanie G. Ovadia, for an “affront to the court,” — the briefs she filed were plagiarized from various sources. The judge said that “the vast majority of the opposition appears to have been taken from other sources without any acknowledgment or identification of those sources.” Moreover, while trying to defend or excuse the plagiarism, Lohan’s attorney made certain representations to the court that the judge found to be “undoubtedly false.”

In a smashing display of grace under fire, the Long Island attorney – who hired another attorney, Pery Krinsky, for the sanctions motion – tried to blame an attorney from Queens for the plagiarism, submitting that the Queens attorney acted as co-counsel for Lohan in the suit against Pitbull.

When reached for comment; however, the Queens attorney said he was not co-counsel for Lohan. “I do not believe in blame games,” he said, adding that he filed papers with the court that affirmed he was not co-counsel. “My affidavit clearly says that I was not an attorney for her.”

There are at least two lessons to be learned here. One, rap is an art, so don’t hesitate to express yourself. Two, Lindsay Lohan should not be allowed to choose her own attorney.

I’ve never understood a man’s desire to forgo the condom. I fundamentally reject the idea of putting my entire future in the hands of another person’s responsibility. There’s also that very obvious other reason, which is a major source of concern (pun intended — and not easy to ascertain). But congratulations to Lindsay Lohan, who will soon be a big sister for a fourth time.

Lindsay Lohan received a lot of criticism for her Saturday Night Live hosting job, but there’s one sketch that’s worth mentioning. There’s no need for me tell you why “The Real Housewives of Disney” was so great, just watch below and judge for yourself. I imagine that if Disney characters were real, that’s exactly how they would actually behave.

When Marilyn Monroe appeared on the first issue of Playboy Magazine in 1953, it was revolutionary. Hugh Hefner battled against American’s puritanical values and brought sex into public conversation. But decades later, sex is everywhere. Actresses sexualize themselves to become popular, and almost every A-lister has graced a magazine cover nearly naked. So when Lindsay Lohan posed for Playboy Magazine, I wasn’t impressed. First, she’s already been naked numerous times, thereby decreasing my curiosity, and second, the pictures are heavily airbrushed. Unfortunately or fortunately, her career plummeted, and the Playboy shoot probably provided some much-needed cash. The end of an actresses career is very similar to the beginning — you take what you can get, because the offers are limited. So she did. And though she’s certainly pretty enough to pull this off – I find it generally boring.

I hope the Academy just learned a lesson about the ramifications of being puritanical hypocrites. Eddie Murphy predictably stepped down as Oscar host after learning that his friend, Brett Ratner, “resigned” as the show’s producer. The Academy likely fired Ratner without realizing the risk of losing Murphy. The Ratner debacle began with a series of loose-lipped interviews, most notably his quote that “rehearsal is for fags.” Had they fired Ratner immediately after he made the bigoted remark, I’d be fine with it. But that’s not why he was fired. Ratner was fired because of his candid Howard Stern interview, in which he detailed his sex life, including making Lindsay Lohan get an STD test prior to sleeping with her and being “in love with eating pus*y.” Though I detest Brett Ratner, there’s an underlying lesson to be learned here — you can use bigoted words, but you can’t openly discuss your sex life. You know . . . because that’s inappropriate. And despite my Ratner hatred, losing Murphy as a host should have been enough to keep Ratner. I predict a very boring Academy Awards this year.

It’s time for celebrities everywhere to get over Marilyn Monroe. I get it — she was beautiful, tortured, and talented — but can’t someone think of a more original person to copy? At least Jennifer Aniston had the bright idea to copy Barbra Streisand. Lindsay Lohan has hopped on board the copy-cat train with her new Playboy shoot, where she will be “channeling” Marilyn Monroe’s Tom Kelley nude pictorial. No word yet on whether she’ll follow this up with a Marilyn Monroe tattoo on her arm like Megan Fox. Further Reading: Karina Smirnoff Poses for Playboy — What’s the Point?

Similar to Taylor Momsen, I’m done picking on Miley Cyrus.  TMZ obtained a disturbing video of her smoking from a bong, though her representatives insist it was salvia and not marijuana.  I’m not going to waste my time explaining the difference.  I found the video particularly disturbing because it looks like the person taping her intended to use the footage at a later date.  I might be reading too much Sherlock Holmes, but she kept the video on Miley the entire time, and also insisted that she wasn’t “fucked up enough.”  Usually when I’m filming at a party and someone says, “hey what’s that over there,” I move the camera to reflect what’s being discussed.”  Perhaps I wouldn’t move the camera if my cash-cow was high though.  Additionally, I’m convinced that this is the tip of the iceberg, and Miley Cyrus will soon join Lindsay Lohan in rehab.  Billy Ray Cyrus also saw the video, and released a statement, saying, “sorry guys. I had no idea. Just saw this stuff for the first time myself. I’m so sad. There is much beyond my control right now.”  If Billy Ray is reading this, I’m sorry.  I really thought she would come out unscathed.

The first thing Lindsay Lohan needs to do when she exits rehab is fire her mother, Dina Lohan, as her manager.  She perpetuates Lindsay’s negative image in the press, by continually discussing her daughter’s issues.  Lindsay would have a much better chance of rehabilitating (no pun intended) her career if her mother would zip-it.  On this week’s Glee, Gwyneth Paltrow’s character discussed Lindsay’s rehab stints while teaching her Spanish class.  The bit was funny, and Lohan’s camp should laugh it off.  Unfortunately for Lindsay, her camp includes her horrendous mother, who is threatening to sue Glee for defamation.  Allow me to put this esquire thing to use for just one second — it’s not defamation to call someone “loca.”  So get over it Dina. Watch the clip below to see what all the fuss is about.

There’s something very interesting about the photos from Kim Kardashian’s 30th birthday party — Perez Hilton is there.  Perez Hilton has often bashed the Kardashian sisters on his blog, once going so far as to call Khloe Kardashian an “ugly amazon.”  So does she have a forgiving heart, or is she hoping to stay close to Perez to keep her name on his website?  I surmise it’s the latter.  And the Kardashians aren’t alone.  Demi Moore once threatened to sue Perez for child pornography when he posted pictures of her young daughter’s ass on his website.  Perez then countered with a defamation threat.  You wouldn’t guess that by the twitter love between the two.  Demi posted a twit-pic of herself in a bikini, and Perez responded with a pic of himself a speedo.  Demi playfully retweeted his pic, saying, “I think I started a trend.”  Did she forgive him too?  And what about Lindsay Lohan?  Perez often attacks her on his site, yet Lohan had no problem attending his birthday bash, and getting her picture taken with him.  Nothing says forgiveness like getting your name mentioned on a high-traffic blog.