THE DISHMASTER

Jennifer Lopez reigns supreme on my girl-crush list, and that’s a shocking revelation considering I bashed her in the early days. When rumors swirled that American Idol attempted to snag her mid-season in place of Mariah, I believed it immediately. The ratings are tanking, and the producers are desperate. Also — she was a popular addition whose absence has had a profound impact. Watch the curvy goddess address the rumors, and notice how she doesn’t deny it. Silence is compliance — at least in my world.

I wish Mariah Carey would re-brand her image. Something tells me she’s difficult to convince, considering she’s been on the same path since her divorce, and yet she continues down the road despite the changing market. The untouchable diva angle is over, and if Jennifer Lopez can appear down-to-earth, so can Mariah Carey. What’s of particular confusion is Carey was exponentially relatable when her career began, often doing Barbara Walters sit-downs where she appeared as the girl-next door. I’m not sure what happened, but my advice is to take on a new team.

Watch the teaser for her ‘Beautiful’ video. It’s gold, there seems to be a wind machine, and there’s lots of jewelry.

A new report from The Hollywood Reporter indicates that American Idol producers recently scrambled to oust Mariah Carey mid-season and replace her with the recently departed Jennifer Lopez. I find this particularly interesting, especially considering the real ratings threat comes from Nicki Minaj, but perhaps the producers feel the opposite. And since Mariah comes with a hefty cost, I suppose it makes sense to can her. That being said, she’d still have to be paid out for the remainder of the season, so cost-cutting can’t be the real motivation. Perhaps she is in fact a behind-the-scenes diva and they’re done with her? Given her recent comments about “the powers that be” over at FOX, it’s not a shocking theory. Whether it’s true or not, that show better act fast. Because star-power is clearly not what’s missing.

First she pouts, then she’s pissed, and then she has a childish meltdown. Nicki Minaj’s unprofessional tirade proves she’s not cut out for the job, and the ratings decline I anticipate proves she should be paid-out and pushed-out. It is a judge’s job to guide the contestants, not to get in their way. If you want the spotlight, take the stage yourself instead of stealing it. And furthermore, her unfounded objection made her appear unhinged. The judges are allowed to inquire as to an artist’s identity. That’s an important part of a brand, and brand is everything. Watch below.

It took me a solid fifteen seconds to realize the drastic error of combining Mariah Carey and Nicki Minaj on the American Idol judging panel. The producers got greedy and thought that adding two power-house players instead of one would get even more viewers. The only problem? These dueling divas cancel each other out. The other problem? Nicki Minaj isn’t deserving of the slot. First, she’s more concerned with her own camera time than the contestants, and second, the true star is Mariah Carey, and Minaj is dimming her light. In fact, I’d venture to guess that she’s intentionally dimming her light out of her own insecurity. Mariah Carey is too good for this, and Nicki Minaj isn’t good enough. I feel sorry for her that she signed on prior to knowing that Minaj was hired, and I’m relatively certain her contractual obligation is the only reason she stayed.

When I found out about Mariah Carey’s decision to join American Idol, I thought: “I’ll take the Mariah Carey from ten years ago, and not the Mariah Carey of today.” That’s not a dig at the current state of her career, it’s a dig at the current state of her public persona. In short — she’s almost become a caricature of herself, exuding a diva-like temperament in every interview. I miss the down-to-earth, flannel wearing Mariah Carey of the old days. To prove my point, I’ve posted a vintage interview with the superstar below. Here’s hoping she’s relatable enough to pull off this new role. After all, if Jennifer Lopez can turn her image around, so can Mariah Carey.

It’s great to see Mariah Carey back to her normal self in an interview. She’s usually slightly nuts, and only Barbara Walters can bring out the Mariah we loved at the beginning of her career. She finally unveiled her adorable twins, and though they seem incredibly cute, I get the strange feeling that there’s some marital animosity going on. For example, when Walters asked Mariah if she trusts Cannon, Mariah responds with, “sometimes.” Watch below.

Perhaps Mariah Carey should have waited a little longer for her first television appearance since the birth of her twins. I’m not sure what’s wrong with her, and I don’t know when Mariah changed from being extremely down to earth to saying the word “dahhhh—-ling” with every sentence. I hate to compare her to Paula Abdul, but the HSN segments are awfully similar. Either it’s difficult to fill time in a coherent way while selling a product, or there’s something strange going on. To remind you of the days when Mariah Carey was extremely likable and normal, I’ve posted a vintage interview with her in addition to her HSN appearance.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Twitter is a PR death-trap. While I think it’s a great opportunity to connect with fans, it’s also a great opportunity to ruin your image. Because there’s no middle-man (i.e. a publicist) to control celebrity tweets, stars reveal a damaging amount of information. So far my list of culprits include: LeAnn Rimes; John Cusack; Sarah Shahi; Teri Hatcher; and now — Mariah Carey. Carey recently posted a picture of her pregnant belly painted as an Easter egg, which is cute in theory, but inappropriate overall. Mariah Carey is a huge star, and the less private she becomes — the more she demeans her professional value.

External Resource: Let’s hope the sonogram technician, isn’t as quick to over-share.

I cannot for the life of me figure out what happened to Jessica Simpson’s voice.  When she first arrived on the music scene ten years ago, she could actually sing.  Now, her voice is almost unrecognizable.  My only guess is that she’s no longer as tightly managed, and she lost sight of how to properly sing.  Listen to the two songs below.  In the first song, she’s singing I Wanna Love You Forever, and it’s actually enjoyable.  In the second, she’s singing her new Christmas song, My Only Wish, which is getting compared to Mariah Carey’s  famous song, All I Want for Christmas.  I’m less concerned about the blatant plagiarism and more concerned that it’s not listenable.