THE DISHMASTER

If I didn’t like Miley Cyrus before, I definitely like her now. Why? Because only the coolest chick on the planet would wear a unicorn onesie while breaking it down to J Dash & Flo Rida’s “WOP.”

WATCH AND ENJOY.

Attention Miley Cyrus: If you wear what looks like a diamond on your left ring finger, the public will think you’re engaged. And since you’ve been in the business long enough to realize that — it can only be determined that the move is a desperate ploy for attention. Take the ring off and stop acting like the media is ridiculous for their inquiry. There’s only one ridiculous person here, and I think you can guess who it is.

Remember when TBS bought HBO’s ‘Sex and the City’ and watered down the content to make the show family friendly? At the time, the actresses were pissed. So with the news that the next film will be a prequel with younger actresses, I can only imagine that everyone involved in the original series is fuming. First, the show is about single woman in their thirties, and the movie stood for the idea that women are not only funny on the big screen, but you don’t need pre-pubescent eye candy to get people in the theater. Additionally, there was something great about not knowing too much about the characters’ back stories. And just when you thought it could not get worse, Miley Cyrus and Selena Gomez are rumored to be attached to the project.

In a recent interview, Miley Cyrus complained about You Tube stars, such as Justin Bieber and Rebecca Black, saying, “It should be harder to be an artist. You shouldn’t just be able to put a song on YouTube and go out on tour.” Really Miley? You don’t want musicians to have a short cut into the music business? So what about your career? Do you think having Billy Ray Cyrus as a dad perhaps helped speed up your success a bit? Would you have had scored the same high-profile Disney audition otherwise? For years, Hollywood has been an impenetrable members-only club that excludes great talent because of limited opportunity for exposure. You Tube breaks that barrier. At least those guys did it on their own, without the nepotism.

Update: Miley Cyrus insists she was misquoted and she “loves Rebecca Black.” Yeah — sure she was.

Similar to Taylor Momsen, I’m done picking on Miley Cyrus.  TMZ obtained a disturbing video of her smoking from a bong, though her representatives insist it was salvia and not marijuana.  I’m not going to waste my time explaining the difference.  I found the video particularly disturbing because it looks like the person taping her intended to use the footage at a later date.  I might be reading too much Sherlock Holmes, but she kept the video on Miley the entire time, and also insisted that she wasn’t “fucked up enough.”  Usually when I’m filming at a party and someone says, “hey what’s that over there,” I move the camera to reflect what’s being discussed.”  Perhaps I wouldn’t move the camera if my cash-cow was high though.  Additionally, I’m convinced that this is the tip of the iceberg, and Miley Cyrus will soon join Lindsay Lohan in rehab.  Billy Ray Cyrus also saw the video, and released a statement, saying, “sorry guys. I had no idea. Just saw this stuff for the first time myself. I’m so sad. There is much beyond my control right now.”  If Billy Ray is reading this, I’m sorry.  I really thought she would come out unscathed.

A close friend of mine told me that he didn’t realize how bad he was in bed until he taped himself and his girlfriend having sex.  “I thought it would be hot,” he said, “but it was really depressing.”  Because of my nameless friend, I’ve decided to never tape myself having sex.  Oh yeah — and I don’t want to see my gigantic ass on camera.  Does anyone?  Apparently, celebrities love making sex tapes, and they love taking naked cell phone pictures even more.  So are they raging narcissists that are also too dumb to realize the possibility of either losing their phone, or pissing a man off enough to sell those pictures one day?  You might want to ask Miley Cyrus next time you see her, because she’s the newest celebrity involved in a naked picture scandal.  And this isn’t the first time.  Not too long ago she took racy photographs of herself in the shower, which made its way on the internet for the entire world to see.  What’s that quote?  “Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, I’m an asshole.”

If there’s anything good that can come out of Billy Ray Cyrus’ divorce, it’s an image makeover.  In recent years he’s been in the press because of Miley Cyrus, and he’s come off as a doting father who borders on naive.  If you’ve been a country music fan as long as I have, then you remember the days of Achy Breaky Heart, when women swooned for the country music bad-boy.   In a radio interview with Woody Johnson of Woody and the Wake Up Call, Cyrus got pissed when asked about his divorce and stormed out of the interview.  I imagine Cyrus’ anger had to do with being promised prior to the interview that he wouldn’t be asked about his divorce, presumably to reel him in and then zing him with the question for ratings.  It’s not an uncommon tactic, but it’s pretty disgusting if it’s true.  Congrats to Billy Ray — let the bad-ass return.

It’s a shame that Miley Cyrus turned into exactly what I thought she would — a narcissistic, attention-starved, slut.  Too harsh?  She’s receiving a lot of criticism for her new video, Who Owns my Heart, and I imagine she’s loving every second of it.  I’m not against using one’s 17 year old sexuality to sell records.  I certainly supported the prepubescent Britney Spears when she appeared on the cover of Rolling Stone in her bra and underwear (to think that was tame compared to Miley Cyrus recent leotard-vagina debacle).  I cannot quite articulate why Britney didn’t bother me the way Miley does.  I suppose that Britney’s entire schtick was based on sex, and she put on great performances on top of it (I don’t see Miley Cyrus walking around the stage with a python on her shoulders).  Plus, is it wrong to say she’s just not quite hot enough for this image?  She’s cute, but she’s certainly not worthy of rolling around in bed linens while licking her lips.  Alright, I’m done picking on children for now.  Watch the video below and judge for yourself.

Since Hilary Duff stopped making her cutesy movies, there has a been a giant void in tweenie land.  Miley Cyrus made a feeble attempt to fill the void, by parlaying the successful Hannah Montana television show into films.  But Hannah Montana was the beginning and end of her tweenie films.  She never came close to duplicating Duff’s resume, with Raise Your Voice; A Perfect Man; and A Cinderella Story as just a few examples of Duff’s work.  Plus, she started wearing leotards and dancing around like a slut — which is another thing Duff never did.  Zac Efron also entered tweenie territory with the very enjoyable, underrated film, 17 Again, but he quickly changed pace with Charlie St. Cloud, to avoid being type cast in one particular role.  Only time will tell if that was a smart decision.  Hilary Duff never quite transitioned into more grown-up roles, after she outgrew her young fan base.  So perhaps Efron took that as an example.  But I still want a new tweenie-bopper to make the films I love to see.  And in case you are wondering, I am an adult — which might make this post slightly creepy.

My mother is an avid reader of my website, and she clicked on yesterday’s link to The Superficial, showing the 17-year-old Miley Cyrus wearing next to nothing at the Much Music Awards.  I’d upload a video of myself impersonating my mother’s very heavy Long Island accent for the purpose of this post, but then I would have to do my hair – and I’m not in the mood.  So I just ask that you imagine a very funny woman, with a very heavy accent saying the following sentences: “Those pictures of Miley what a joke”; “She looks like a whore”; and finally, “What is wrong with her parents”?  I could not have said it better myself.  I really thought that Miley Cyrus would make it.  I thought that because her father was already in the entertainment industry, and because he seemed to go with her everywhere, that she would go through this business unscathed.  I was wrong.  I am aware that she is trying to break-out of her Disney image, but there is definitely a way to do that without dressing like a whore.  To make matters worse, the picture from The Superficial is not the worst one.  If you are lucky enough to find the other photos from the Much Music Awards (which I won’t show), you will see Miley wearing a white leotard that shows the same controversial vagina that Perez Hilton got in trouble for posting.  She deliberately wore a leotard with extremely minimal coverage down-under, and then spread her legs apart on stage, which quite obviously revealed her punany.  Enough is enough.