THE DISHMASTER

The best part of this film is Matthew McConaughey’s hilarious strip-club-hosting antics, and the second best part is Channing Tatum’s ass. Other than that, it’s just a plot-less guilty pleasure. The film follows “Magic Mike,” a guy with a dream to start his own business building custom furniture, who strips on the side to raise the money. He meets Adam (Alex Pettyfer) during a random construction job, and he convinces the troubled, aimless kid to join him later at his strip club. Strip club owner Dallas (Matthew McConaughey) thinks Adam’s “got something” and he hires him to strip. When Adam gets into trouble, his sister Brooke (Cody Horn) blames Mike, and Mike’s crush on Brooke leads him to a painful monologue about how he’s “more than Magic Mike.” There were many moments of this film when I found myself turning to my friend to ask, “When will they get back to the stripping?” and “Where is Matthew McConaughey?” I actually felt bad for Channing Tatum, whose acting skills were severely put to the test given that he had absolutely no foil to work with. In fact, the aforementioned “painful monologue” felt like a Channing Tatum’s screen-test, because Cody Horn looked as if she was too tired to actually act. Perhaps she was holding script pages instead of listening? As for Alex Pettyfer, he too could use some acting lessons. To be fair, it’s possible that the director (who I was shocked to discover is Steven Soderbergh) told his actors to “play it boring.” But the most disappointing element of the film wasn’t the actors, it was the limited amount of choreographed dancing. If you’re going cheap on the plot, then you better amp up the dancing. And three sequences is just not enough. That being said, get some popcorn and go see it. It’s not every day you see A-listers wearing next-to-nothing.

OVERALL RATING: 2 DISHES

Written by: Dan O’Connell, Guest Contributor

Hilarious extended riff on the wish-fulfillment storyline, a blue collar Boston guy (Mark Wahlberg) tries to balance his relationship with his extremely patient fiancee (Mila Kunis), and his stuffed bear Ted (voice of Seth MacFarlane), who came to life when he was eight after a Christmas wish. Now, Ted has turned into the equivalent of a former child star, getting high and sleeping around with hookers, and attempting to make it on his own with a crummy minimum wage job.

MacFarlane gets a lot of flak for running the pop culture references on “Family Guy” into the ground, as well as overly relying on non-sequiturs, but the guy knows how to keep a 90 minute feature afloat, and he keeps the laughs coming consistently. As for Wahlberg, he proves once again after his great comedic turn in “The Other Guys” that he knows how to play the straight man. Though the film ladles on the schmaltz a little too much toward the end, it’s a consistent laugh from beginning to end.

OVERALL RATING: 4 DISHES

Written by: Dan O’Connell, Guest Contributor

Two scientists (Noomi Rapace and Logan Marshall-Green) discover a series of cave paintings that indicate the possible existence of the origin of man, so they board a spaceship with a terse captain (Charlize Theron), a tough pilot (Idris Elba), a benign android (Michael Fassbender) and a bunch of other folks who make no impression whatsoever to explore another planet. However, it’s not too long before they start getting attacked by… something, and this all ties into the first Alien movie somehow too.

Given the level of anticipation built up for Prometheus, (it’s got the Aliens in it! And Ridley Scott is back in space! And also there’s also 3D!) some letdown was inevitable, but I was not expecting how much I’d truly dislike this movie. The movie feels like a cobbled-together collection of scenes with no build, no solid throughline, and zero tension. Sure the effects are decent (although the 3D is so negligible that it needn’t have been employed at all), but they’re at the mercy of a script with forgettable dialogue, enigmatic characters who don’t seem to have any motivation for the way they behave from one scene to the next, and indifferent performances (everyone’s raving about Fassbender’s android, but I’ll take Ash or Bishop any day over this clod). There’s exactly one scene that grabbed my attention (imagine if John Hurt had a little mechanical help extracting his little friend in Alien, and you’re close), but it’s been quite some time where I’ve been so disinterested in something so grandiose.

OVERALL RATING: 1.5/5 DISHES

Joss Whedon is a genius. He not only made a great film, but he also successfully reinvigorated four suffering franchises. That’s an epic move for Marvel, who will now be able to capitalize on the missteps of other directors, who caused significant damage to Hollywood’s biggest money-makers (see ‘Iron Man 2′ and Edward Norton’s ‘The Hulk’). The plot might actually be less important than the dialogue. All you need to know is someone is trying to destroy the world, and The Avengers are commissioned to prevent it. Their unity proves to be a hilariously difficult task, and they often spend more time fighting each other than the enemy. Does it get better than Iron Man insulting Thor’s dated manner of speaking, or everyone insulting The Hulk’s awful temper? The beauty of this film is that it doesn’t take itself too seriously. It’s an action film worth every penny, which is something difficult to achieve in such an ailing economy.

OVERALL RATING: 5/5 DISHES

If you’re making a romantic comedy with a sub-plot, the sub-plot should make sense. Remember True Lies? That’s what made it so great. In This Means War, the only thing I know about the main characters’ profession is that they are CIA agents trying not to get killed by a mysterious man with an accent. The romance begins when they both meet the same woman, and they decide to compete for her affection. It gets complicated when they use their CIA resources to trace each others’ dates, and it gets funny when they use those resources to impress her with the contrived commonalities they discovered by researching her life at the CIA. It’s certainly entertaining, but the impressive concept failed in its execution. That being said, it’s good enough to see. After all, who doesn’t want to stare at Chris Pine’s beautiful blue eyes for an entire movie? You cannot go wrong.
Overall Rating: 3/5 Dishes

Written By: Kris Arnold, Contributing Editor

‘Hugo’ might be the most personal film of Martin Scorcese’s career. Based on Brian Selznick’s children’s book, ‘The Invention of Hugo Cabret’, Scorcese shows his love for the history of cinema through the eyes of Hugo Cabret (Asa Butterfield).

Set in a dreamy version of 1930′s Paris, Cabret is an orphan who lives in a train station where he steals food and avoids the Station Inspector (Sacha Baron Cohen) who sends stray kids to an orphanage.

Cabret learned the art of clockmaking from his late father (Jude Law) and inherited his love of film. Hugo longs to finish restoring a relic left behind by his father, an automaton (a robot made of clock parts resembling a turn of the century version of C-3PO). The key to the restoration lies with another orphan, Isabelle (Chlöe Grace Moretz), and the couple she lives with (Ben Kingsley and Helen McCrory). Hugo introduces Isabelle to the magic of movies, and their quest ferries them through film history and the pioneering works of Georges Méliès.

Hugo is a film that doubles as an art exhibit, curated by Scorsese, who’s passion for cinema permeates this entire production. On display are works from a stellar cast and a list of Academy Award winners for cinematography, film editing, visual effects, music, costume design, all against the backdrop of the imaginative set designed by Dante Ferretti. At it’s core, Hugo is a touching tale with wounded characters searching for a purpose, and it will appeal to anyone passionate about the history of film.

OVERALL RATING: 4/5 DISHES

Love is necessary but not sufficient for a relationship to survive. And that painful realization is beautifully illustrated in ‘Like Crazy.’ The film follows Anna (Felicity Jones), a British exchange student studying in Los Angeles, who falls in love with Jacob (Anton Yelchin). She overstays her visa to spend the summer with Jacob after graduation, which later results in a ban from the United States. Their attempt at a long distance relationship becomes the center of the film, and no matter how hard they fight against it, their love keeps them intertwined. The film presents some haunting questions about love. Should it be that hard? Should it cause that much pain? Is it worth fighting through the obstacles that shackle your happiness? And if it is truly love, and the obstacles are removed, does that automatically equate to a sustainable relationship? I won’t reveal how this movie ends, but I will say that it’s the most accurate portrayal of love I’ve ever seen on film.

OVERALL RATING: 5/5 DISHES

George Clooney is a good director. But he’s not great. The first two acts of ‘The Ides of March’ lacked the movie magic necessary to keep me entertained. Translation? — It was boring.

This is the third Clooney-directed film I’ve seen, and I’ve noticed it’s a common issue. Where’s Jack Nicholson screaming, “you can’t handle the truth!” Where’s the fist fight? Where’s the heavy-hitting music to create suspense? When actors turn to directing, they leave behind these essential elements in favor of an understated approach (remember Robert De Niro’s ‘The Good Shepherd,’ for example?). I think they feel above it. I think they resent having spent so much time executing cheesy dialogue while running from a burning vehicle that they feel they can accomplish the same task without it. But like it or not — those things are often necessary to make a movie enjoyable. Otherwise, it’s as if I’m watching a documentary.

The movie stars Ryan Gosling as Stephen Meyers, the Junior Campaign Manager for Mike Morris (George Clooney), the Pennsylvania Governor who is trying to win the Democratic Primary to later run for President. Philip Seymour Hoffman plays Paul Zara, his Senior Campaign Manager. The campaign can be cutthroat at times, and by the end of it, it really doesn’t matter what anyone’s political belief is as long as Morris wins. The plot is relatively expected, with the exception of an interesting twist in act three. Unfortunately, by the time act three hit I had already mentally checked out of the film.

OVERALL RATING: 3/5 DISHES

“Co-writer and co-producer Luc Besson tries a new spin on his tried-and-true “La Femme Nikita” formula, but the results are so clumsy and over-the-top that they should have just called the movie “Panty Assassin” and played the whole thing for laughs.” Alonso Duralde very funny movie review of Zoe Saldana’s new film, ‘Columbiana.’

Written by: Rik Sault

I asked one of my editors to write me a review of ‘Rise of Planet of the Apes’ tonight, primarily because I’m over-worked, and I thought, “that’s what my editors are for, right? They take the burden off of me when I want a mini-vacation.” He insisted that he’s “way under-slept,” and he’s “being harassed by a “very dumb black and white cat who does not know how her claws work.” Since I’m a convincing boss, I insisted, and he delivered what has to be the worst movie review I’ve ever read. But because I needed a laugh, and he delivered — I’m posting his review in its entirety. Enjoy!

If I had to describe it in one word: Awesome. If I get two words: Super-Awesome.

But I must admit up front that I am super-biased. Why?

1. I am a discerning dude who loves the appropriate kind of movie destruction – and I think destruction by Apes is very appropro.

2. I love James Franco (but I am not gay)

To dispel all suspicions to the contrary this film is not a remake of any of the old Planet of the Apes films, it is a reboot – this story has not been done before.

Notwithstanding this hyper-technical factoid, any type of remake, reboot, revisit of prior films poses all kinds of risks of a major letdown. Fortunately, I myself have no stake in the original series.

You have to take this film for what it is. It is not high art. There are gaps in the plot. But overall it is an exciting and enthralling film.

As a foundation, it effectively offers character sketches of the three strong lead actors: James Franco as a passionate, flighty, and somewhat socially inept scientist bent on helping the world; John Lithgow as a father struggling with Alzheimer’s, and Caesar the lead ape, the movie is really about him and they really did a great job humanizing this ape.

And then the film added some themes that I really like: humans tampering with the natural order, existentialism, and animal rights.

Finally, as one would hope, the apes (I am so tempted to call them monkeys but they aren’t), kick major ass – they tear things apart, they ride horses, they defeat the SWAT team – you can’t go wrong, here. I mean if you are not into the ape carnage, still see it for Franco and Lithgow.

OVERALL RATING: 4/5 DISHES