THE DISHMASTER

For those of you who love Jersey Shore, today signifies the beginning of the end of the world’s greatest reality show in the history of television.  Whenever television executives hit the jackpot, they milk it to the point of exhaustion.  Such is the case with Jersey Shore, as MTV has officially picked up two spin-offs of the popular show, one following Snooki and JWoww’s post-shore antics, and the other following Pauly D on the road as a DJ.  While I’m certain those spin-offs will have traction, I’m also certain it will devalue the original series, and will inevitably hurt its ratings.  When you have a treasure on your hands, you don’t break it down and sell it’s parts — you protect it.  How about MTV come up with another original idea, instead of recycling an existing one?

If you’re a fan of The Dishmaster, then you know what a huge Britney Spears fan I am.  Having said that, I’d like to take this opportunity to insult her for just a moment.  She performed in Vegas over the weekend to promote the launch of her new album, Femme Fatale, and after watching her concert videos, it’s clear she’s not back to her career launching status.  When Britney first entered the business, her performances were heavily danced focused, with Wade Robson choreographing all of her concerts, videos, and live performances.  Since Britney’s comeback and Wade’s subsequent departure, she hasn’t returned to her original caliber.  When you lip-sync, you have to dance.  There’s no way around it.  You can’t simply put on a sparkly outfit and walk slowly around the stage while sporadically moving your arms around.  I need more than that, especially when you’re known for performances alone.  I hate to pick on her, because I’m very happy for her comeback success, and I love every one of her songs.  But enough is enough.  Start dancing.  I’d encourage you to watch the video below sans sound.  It’s low quality, but you’ll get my point.

When Teen Mom first began, the story was uplifting.  You had a group of girls that got pregnant at a very young age, and although their struggle was hard, they handled it.  They were interesting to watch, and I never felt as though MTV was promoting teen pregnancy.  They were simply documenting struggles, while allowing you to root for these people at the same time.  Because MTV felt that the original group’s story-line became stale, they decided to follow an all new group of teens. My guess is that MTV figured they’d not only freshen up the format by selecting new people, but they’d also save money, considering the longer you employ people, the more you have to pay them.  Unfortunately, the new group sucks, and it’s time to pull the show off the air.  In case you didn’t hear, Jenelle Evans (one of the stars of Teen Mom 2) was captured on camera beating up another girl — and the video is violent.  She’s since been arrested for the fight, but the damage is done.  If MTV wants to turn their show into Jerry Springer, then feel free to keep this on the air.  But if they want to maintain the show’s original integrity, then make a few phone calls to the original cast.

If you watch Jersey Shore, then you’re familiar with the term “grenade.”  Basically, it describes a fat, ugly chick.  The guys on the show (who sometimes refer to themselves as “M.V.P’ — for Mike, Vinny, Pauly), often bring home hot chicks to their house, and those hot chicks sometimes bring their girlfriends along, and those girlfriends are problematic “grenades.”   What’s curious is that anyone who appears on the show has to sign a waiver allowing MTV to put their face on camera.  So why would any girl in their right mind allow MTV to put their face on camera after the guys on the show lambaste their looks?  Here’s the answer.  The waiver allows MTV the right to use their footage, no matter what’s discussed.  Since these women aren’t aware of their “grenade” status when they sign the waiver, they must be pretty damn confident with their looks.  Note to self: If I ever get invited to the Jersey Shore house — DON’T SIGN THE WAIVER.

All of my loyal Dishmaster readers know about my Britney Spears obsession.  I rooted for her when she was down-and-out, and I’m happy to see that her comeback is in full swing.  Her new music video premiered on MTV tonight, and I think it ties Toxic for best Britney video of all time.  It was choreographed by Brian Friedman, who used to judge and choreograph for Fox’s So You Think You Can Dance.  It’s good to see Britney rocking out some dance moves again.  I’m glad I have a new video to imitate — that snake was getting mighty heavy.  Watch!

Britney Spears – New Music – More Music Videos

Lauren Conrad sure knows how to bite the hand that feeds her. MTV isn’t moving forward with her show and Conrad responded to the news, saying, “MTV felt the subject matter was too high brow for their audience and offered me the opportunity to change the show by incorporating more of my personal life. We agreed going into the project that this show would be an aspirational one, focusing on my career and my goals and not my personal relationships. We delivered the show that we sold and are sorry MTV didn’t feel their viewers were savvy enough to appreciate it.” May I just say that it’s extremely unprofessional for someone in the business to insult a network for not picking up a show? Good luck getting another deal with MTV, Conrad. I’d also like to point out that MTV probably let Conrad down easy by saying it was too “high brow.” I imagine that if they said what they really meant, the conversation would have ended at, “Lauren, you’re a little too boring for our network, so we’ve nixed you.”

MTV’s The Real World has been deteriorating for years, and I often wonder if my new hatred for the show has to do with my age.  Perhaps I’m outside their target demographic, and I no longer find drunken fighting endearing?  But just before I sink into a self-loathing depression, I remind myself that I love Jersey Shore!  After all, nothing pleased me more than watching Snooki roll around on the floor in over-sized slippers while trying to punch Angelina in the face.  When Jersey Shore became popular, the cast of The Real World tweeted angry statements about how they weren’t invited to an MTV awards show and the Jersey Shore crew was.  Gee, I wonder why they weren’t invited?   There’s a simple answer here.  The cast of The Real World has sucked since Las Vegas, and no one wants to watch a bunch of soul-less neanderthals clean their toilet with their roommate’s toothbrush.  And I’m not the only person to think this.  The ratings have been steadily declining, and yet MTV is sticking with their ludicrous casting formula. So good luck, Real World.  Your tired franchise can only last so long.

Though I respect creative integrity, I also know a thing or two about our legal system. That being said, it was probably the world’s dumbest idea to cast actual teenagers for Mtv’s new controversial show, Skins. Apparently, the creators wanted to keep the series true to the British version, and that includes casting teenagers to engage in sexually explicit scenes, which may or may not be child pornography. Aside from the ridiculous legal issue, the show just doesn’t work. To help explain my point — I’d like to tell a little story about my childhood. Once upon a time, my father and I went to see an American movie in England. During one of the previews, I noticed a bunch of naked women in the shower, and I figured it was the trailer for some R rated film that was inappropriately placed before PG movie. At the end of the naked shower scene, the camera panned to the naked woman’s wrist, at which point I noticed a very nice looking watch. It was a watch commercial! I was somewhat traumatized — partly because I felt like I was watching porn with my father, and partly because I felt too young to be watching a shower orgy. So what’s my point? The point is that, while something might work for the sexually free England, here in America we are prude. And Skins just doesn’t translate. I tried watching the English version immediately after watching the American version, in hopes that the problem was merely an adaptation issue. Nope. I found the English version equally as offensive and terrible. I’m not sure I’d pull my advertisements from the show, but I certainly watched my first and last episode.

The new season of Jersey Shore debuts tonight, and it’s been five months in the making.  Television networks usually try to debut the show relatively close to the time it was taped — but not MTV.  I’m guessing they taped the show during the summer in New Jersey (because it was warm) and decided to air it after the new year for ratings purposes.  Whatever the reason, I find it a bit annoying that it’s so delayed.  All of the press coverage regarding the show already occurred, such as Sammi quitting the show when she watched Ronnie cheat on her in Miami.  Hasn’t it been almost a year since Ronnie cheated?  Will this really be fresh news when the episode airs?  Alright, who am I kidding? I love Jersey Shore!

Is there some sort of journalism school that critics go to, where they teach them how to be incessantly negative, regardless of quality? Chelsea Handler hosted the Video Music Awards, and to be expected, the critics bashed her. Almost every single host for the Video Music Awards has been bashed by critics, including the great Russell Brand, who was initially slaughtered in the press, and then invited back the following year, once Mtv saw its ratings jump. Similar to Brand, Chelsea Handler’s hosting stint brought huge ratings, despite the criticism.  To prove my point, I’ve compiled a list of the arbitrarily harsh critics that insulted Handler, and pulled their very same critiques of Russell Brand.  Enjoy!

New York Times

Chelsea Handler: “And then there was the awkward plight of the night’s host, Chelsea Handler. She was among the worst in the show’s history — purposefully out-of-touch, with brief, alarming flashes of off-color racial humor.”

Russell Brand: “He was the host of last year’s MTV Video Music Awards, where he was mischievous but seemed slightly pale and lost, a potty-mouth Ziggy Stardust brought down to earth. That’s about all, though.”

Headline Planet — Brian Cantor

Chelsea Handler: “Humor was also much appreciated, given how intently host Chelsea Handler tried to murder comedy over the course of the broadcast.”

Russell Brand: “Though host Russell Brand’s opening monologue was sexually charged, it did not feature the edgy content necessary to rival last year’s controversy.”

Alan Sepinwall — Hitfix

Chelsea Handler: “It pains me to say it, but Chelsea Handler was in over her head with hosting duties. The stage was just too big for her and the audience too distant. She boringly oscillated between jokes about sleeping with rappers and jokes about partying hard, sometimes with a dash of absurdist bad behavior (like trying to steal Justin Bieber’s ‘wig’).”

Russell Brand: “Perhaps it was the fervor and speed at which every joke needed to be delivered, but Russell Brand’s humor seemed to fall flat left and right.”

Nekesa Mumbi Moody– Associated Press

Chelsea Handler: “Host Chelsea Handler gave the show its traditional bawdiness, though her jokes often fell flat.”

Russell Brand: “There were a few more laughs during comedian Russell Brand’s opening monologue, but the celeb audience seemed more nervous than amused, as the frenetic Brit took aim at Madonna, the virginity of teen sensations the Jonas Brothers and President Bush, whom he called “a retarded cowboy fellow.”