THE DISHMASTER

Equal opportunity offenders always get a pass. The reason? Because if you offend everyone, then it’s clear your heart isn’t actually advocating the joke. But it seems most news outlets have forgotten that Seth MacFarlane took universal digs during his gig as Oscar host, and they are only focusing on his misogyny, most notably his “boobs” song and dance, and his dig at Adele’s weight. As for the Jews? Well, who really cares that he made an anti-Semitic joke when he disrespected women, right?

As a woman, allow me to say that my panties are not in a knot. Hollywood women are notorious for overtly sexualizing themselves on every magazine cover, and constantly consenting to gratuitous on-screen nudity. If you want equality, then act equal. Don’t spread your legs on a Maxim cover and then ask for MacFarlane’s respect. Furthermore, lighten up.

If you make a film that is critical of the United States of a United States ally, does it stand to reason that the United States will and should give you extra attention when you enter its country? It’s an intriguing question that folks like Michael Moore seem to think has a definitive answer. Unlike Michael Moore, I believe the line to be squishy.

When Michael Moore’s friend, Palestinian filmmaker Emad Burnat, was detained by immigration officials at the Los Angeles International Airport on his way to attend the Oscars for his film, 5 Broken Cameras, Moore was outraged, and his outrage has caused subsequent controversy after Guardian columnist and blogger Glenn Greenwald called out Buzzfeed reporter Tessa Stuart for inaccurately downplaying what happened. According to Greenwald, Stuart allegedly used a government official as her source, and any such official would obviously be biased.

Now that I’ve summarized the events, allow me to make my point. My issue doesn’t surround the length of Burnat’s detention. It’s whether the United States had the right to take extra precautions. Is it really relevant that the man was invited to the Oscars? If our national security is at issue, then he should be detained. It’s clear Moore felt no such security was at issue, and this was akin to profiling. But is racial profiling okay if it pertains to our safety?

Despite my assured proclamations to my brother that Seth MacFarlane would be “the worst host in Oscar history,” even The Dishmaster can eat crow. He was good. He was classy, capable, and enjoyable. He got out of the way, knowing exactly when to assert himself and when to exit. As for the show, there were some memorable performances, including a killer solo by Jennifer Hudson, and a did-she-age-backwards moment from Barbra Streisand. And who can forget Jennifer Lawrence’s fall on her way to the stage, which she eloquently dismissed, making her ever-the-more likable. As for Ben Affleck, he’s validated his talent ten times over, and he’s also got a date with his fellow producer, who hogged the stage in a self-aggrandizing rant, perhaps eaten by his own ego. When he finally got his humble moment, Affleck hilariously confessed that his marriage is work, “but the best kind of work,” which brought me nostalgically back to the day when he accepted his first Oscar, speaking exceptionally fast and off-the-cuff. There was a tasteless closing song that I’ll pretend I never heard, because . . . well . . . you can’t have everything.

“Left leg and I talked — everything’s cool. Next Oscars, she gets the slit.” Angelina Jolie’s right leg, on the media madness surrounding Angelina Jolie’s slit (which included the hilarious @AngiesRightLeg twitter account) and the subsequent jealously from Jolie’s left leg.

The verdict is in, and Jim Rash had the best joke at the Oscars. While accepting the award for Best Adapted Screenplay for his work on The Descendants, Rash imitated Angelina Jolie’s moderately ridiculous pose by over-extending his own leg. Seriously though — even Jennifer Lopez’s green Versace dress didn’t draw this much attention — and it’s not because Jolie’s dress was risqué. It’s because it looked as though Jolie deliberately stuck her leg out of the dress for shock value. It didn’t work. Watch the video below.

For years I’ve wondered what happened to Eddie Murhpy. He’s considered one of the greatest comedians in history, and he hasn’t done stand-up in years. So did he just get comfortable with his millions and lose the hunger to perform? As it turns out, Murphy is returning to the spotlight to host the Oscars, and presumably to promote his new film, ‘Tower Heist.’ I’m glad the Oscar executives learned a thing or two after last year’s hosting debacle. And though it pains me to admit that the douchey Brett Ratner might have done something right, the trailer for ‘Tower Heist’ looks really good. Watch below.

James Franco stopped by Letterman to discuss his Oscar hosting failure, and there was no better place to vent. Letterman still jokes about his own failure as an Oscar host, so he clearly empathized with Franco. Franco was very funny during the interview, saying that a lot of people thought he was “under the influence” but he blames Anne Hathaway for the misunderstanding. According to Franco, her energy was so insane, “the Tasmanian devil would look stoned next to her.” Why do I get the strange feeling that James Franco and Anne Hathaway actually hate each other? To be fair to Franco, they were equally bad. But I give him a lot of credit for having a sense of humor about it.

My friend just told me this while complaining that Jesse Eisenberg seems angry every time The Social Network gets mentioned at the Oscars.  Perhaps he’s just as socially awkward as his character?  Anyways, his little sister, Hallie Eisenberg, is the adorably dimpled Pepsi girl.   The brother/sister duo actually worked together in the 2010 film, Holy Rollers.  Who knew?  Watch the commercial below for some nostalgia.

I’ve never appreciated Hugh Jackman so much in my life. There’s something to be said for picking seasoned performers to host the Oscars, and it’s fair to say that Anne Hathaway and James Franco do not qualify. Their opening video package was terrible, as was Anne Hathaway and James Franco’s feeble attempt at jokes. At one point the camera panned to Anne’s mother in the audience, who told her to “stand up straight,” and I almost changed the channel. For a moment I thought Hugh Jackman might come to the rescue and do a number with Anne, but no such luck. Instead, Anne sang a parody of On My Own, in reference to Hugh backing out of their performance. It wasn’t funny, and it was instead extremely uncomfortable to watch. Despite popular belief, it’s not my style to tear people apart on my blog, but choosing these two to host the Oscars is simply inexcusable, and it needs to be said. They should not have been asked and they should not have accepted. There are a lot of seasoned executives involved in this decision-making process, and they should know better. I’m furious.

Be careful James Franco.  When you call the comedic mastermind that is Ricky Gervais “horrible” and say he “bombed” at the Golden Globes, you just set yourself up for disaster.  First, earn your stripes before you start throwing daggers at such a successful comedian.  Second, I’d like to place a bet that you and Anne Hathaway will be the worst hosts in Oscar history.  And lastly, how dare you.  Watch below.