THE DISHMASTER

Though I appreciate Wilson Phillips’ desire to stay relevant by using the reality-television medium, they are clearly missing the acting gene. In their new show, Still Holding On, watch Chynna Phillips confront her sister about her farting problem, and try not to cringe at the overly-produced clip.

“It turns out that if you put a camera in front of anybody, not just a narcissistic amoral celebrity, but actually a good human being, if you put a camera on them for four, five, six hours and tell them to simply be careful what they say, not even in any particular direction but just weigh each word before you say it, and if you do that for like a bunch of hours without giving that person a break, that person ends up with their willpower depleted. They lose the same kind of governing that people get when they’re really drunk. It’s fascinating to watch people who are being careful about what they say and trying to come off very well lose that governing.” Penn Jillette on his choice to do Celebrity Apprentice, and what he learned about reality television and human nature from the experience.

Though I don’t personally know the executives and producers behind NBC’s Fear Factor, I certainly know their type. They’re bloated, narcissistic, career-driven douches that have lived in the reality television world just long enough to lose all sense of reality. So in case you’re inquiring about the source of my rage, it’s about TMZ’s report that the contestants of Fear Factor will drink donkey semen during one of the stunts. And yes — you read that correctly. This is akin to bestiality, and it’s deplorable. For the next stunt, perhaps the producers should have the contestants actually blow the donkey? Why not, right? It is reality television after all, and if you’re going to drink the semen you might as well work for it.

Rumors are circulating that Jennifer Lopez will leave American Idol at this season’s end, and it’s a great idea. As soon as X-Factor premieres American Idol is done, and JLO is way too business savvy to stay with a sinking ship. She jumped on board a cash-cow at the exact right moment, and I’m certain she’ll flee the ship right before it sinks. The only issue is that she’s likely to leave American Idol for another reality show, which will certainly irreparably damage her brand. Reality television is where stars go to die, and Simon Cowell’s brain-children are the only exception. Either leave American Idol for X-Factor, or return to the movie business.

Judging from the clip below, Audrina’s new show looks like another peak into the boring lives of depth-less television stars. My patience for reality television is seriously waning (with the exception of Jersey Shore, of course). In the video below, Audrina’s mother apologizes for her drunken rant on Dancing With the Stars, and Audrina completely blows it off and says she doesn’t care what other people think. I’m no expert on alcohol so I might be wrong on this, but her mother looks drunk in the clip, which is ironic because she’s apologizing for her drunken behavior. Am I to seriously believe that Audrina is completely fine with her mother’s actions, and they’re one big happy family? All signs point to no, and unless they plan on taping some kind of intervention for what appears to be alcoholism, I don’t believe a second of that video. Again, I have absolutely no idea if her mother has a drinking problem, but I’m almost certain that this is faux reality hogwash.

According to the New York Post, Kathy Hilton was overheard telling friends at a party that Paris Hilton was the original reality television star and Kim Kardashian basically copied her entire life. I’m not sure why this is making headlines, especially since it’s already obvious. While it’s true that Kim Kardashian had some moderate notoriety as Robert Kardashian’s daughter, she only received press attention when she was photographed beside Paris Hilton at Hollywood parties. When Kim’s career took off, her friendship with Paris ended. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with following in someone’s footsteps, though. And Kim did a better job at sustaining her career than Paris. The only issue is that Kim never credited Paris with her success. Or the sex tape for that matter.

I became interested in Tony Danza’s new show, Teach, after reading a great review on Reality Blurred.  Last night, I finally took the time to watch the show, and it’s fantastic.  Teach follows Tony Danza during his first year as an English teacher at Philadelphia’s Northeast High School.  It’s less of a reality show and more of a documentary, and I think it accurately portrays the struggles of teaching.  Danza has an instructor monitoring his class to give him teaching tips, and he’s always willing to learn.  Because it’s Tony Danza I was particularly surprised at his investment in the job.  That’s likely because I’m an egomaniac, and I imagine that if I was in the same position, and the students were talking back to me, I might yell out something like, “I don’t have to be here!  I’m a Hollywood actor!”  Not Danza though.  He’s endlessly endearing and would not dream of taking his job for granted.  Plus, these kids never watched Who’s The Boss, and even if they did, I’m not sure it would make much difference to them.  I’ve attached the trailer below.  If you want to watch more, click the link before the video.

TONY DANZA — TEACH

Lisa Rinna and Harry Hamlin have officially proven why they quit acting in favor of reality television.  While promoting their new reality show, Harry Loves Lisa, Hamlin answered his cell phone mid-interview, to reveal that their clothing store, Belle Gray, had been robbed.  Lisa feigns shock, in what might be the worst acting job I’ve ever seen.  My guess is that their store was actually robbed recently, and they thought it might be good for their show to act as if the robbing occurred during the interview.  After all, isn’t it defamation to mention a security company by name as being “terrible?”  But then again — all press is good press.  Watch below.