THE DISHMASTER

This is more shocking than the news that the tooth fairy only left a dollar under my childhood pillow (I deserved way more). Despite my consistent disapproval, Christina Aguilera will return to season five of The Voice with a sizable paycheck. Though I didn’t have inside knowledge of her contract, I assumed she was sacked. But even The Dishmaster can eat crow. I really did like Shakira, but all good things can’t last forever . . .

Just because you’re a successful performer, doesn’t mean you’re successful at finding new talent. That’s an A&R side of the brain that the judges of ‘The Voice’ are clearly missing. Because if they had it, they would have all turned around in unison for Mackenzie Bourg, who is likely the only contestant so far with any hope of a post-show career. And in case you doubt The Dishmaster’s ability to spot talent, just remind yourself that I interviewed The Lumineers before they blew up (yes, I’m bragging).

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I will try my hardest not to judge Green Day frontman Billy Joe for joining ‘The Voice.’ It’s a popular show, he’s a popular guy, and he has to stay popular — because he has an album coming out. That being said, my vitriolic hatred for Christina Aguilera and my talent show fatigue makes this revelation difficult. Watch their interview below, and by “their,” I mean hers, considering he barely got a word in.

“I felt like people only knew me as a singer who dated pretty girls. . . . A little bit of a bimbo. Maybe the reason I was promiscuous, and wanted to sleep with a lot of them, is that I love them so much. . . . I was the music dude that was naked all the time with the girls, and that’s fine. . . . But I wanted to create a little balance. When ‘The Voice’ came around, I thought, ‘People now know that I have a brain.’” The always douchey Adam Levine on the deep reason behind his man-whore syndrome.

I’d like to take this opportunity to thank Christina Aguilera for confirming to the outside world what industry insiders have known for years — she’s a huge bitch. This confirmation took place on tonight’s episode of ‘The Voice,’ when Christina outwardly criticized Tony Lucca and Adam Levine’s song choice, objecting to the lyric, “99 problems, but a bitch ain’t one.” According Radar Online, the fight between Levine and Aguilera started earlier today, and it obviously continued on-air. Apparently, she felt the lyric in question was specifically directed at her, presumably because . . . well . . . if the shoe fits. After Lucca performed, Aguilera’s disdain became immediately clear when she claimed the lyrics were “derogatory toward women.” And since Adam Levine is a complete badass, he explained to the audience that the lyric isn’t about women in general, but it’s a metaphor for anything bringing you down. Aguilera didn’t buy it, and a verbal brawl began. But Levine cleverly had the last word, removing his button-down to reveal a “Team Xtina” shirt. As an aside, Tony Lucca killed it, and Adam Levine is unequivocally the best coach. Maybe she can ask him for advice if her option gets renewed. Watch below.

Not a day goes by where I won’t point out how much I dislike Christina Aguilera. Today’s edition is about Tony Lucca, who Christina Aguilera took some serious time to criticize while commenting on Katrina Parker’s performance. In short, she outwardly advised Adam Levine to pick Parker instead of Lucca, telling Levine to reject “the obvious choice.” First, Christina Aguilera obviously has some residual Mickey Mouse Club animosity (which might include a hatred for fellow Mouseketeer Justin Timberlake who supports Lucca). Second, she’s a terrible judge. Lucca is the “obvious” choice because he will be the most successful in the industry. Katrina Parker isn’t even close. And lastly, none of Aguilera’s former team members from last season became successful after the show, which means she’s also a bad coach. Watch both performances below.

I had the pleasure of attending a live taping of The Voice tonight, and it’s now unequivocally clear that this show won’t survive without a major overhaul. Though it has an intriguing gimmick, there’s some glaring issues that need to be addressed. First, there’s absolutely no emotional connection with the contestants. Sure American Idol gets attacked for pulling on America’s heartstrings with cheesy video packages, but those packages serve an important purpose. They make you root for a contestant, and you become invested in that contestant’s success. With The Voice, I found myself struggling to remember the contestants for anything other than what they wore on a previous show. Second, the judges are choosing people based on who is most similar to their own style. For example, Christina Aguilera predictably chose Ashley De La Rosa, because Ashley’s performance is the most similar to the way Christina performs. She’s not an inside A&R person like Simon Cowell, and if she was, she’d know right away that Moses has more potential for a sustainable career in the industry. And lastly, whoever styles the contestants needs to make some serious changes. These kids don’t look like stars. And they should. Don’t believe my criticism? Then just look to the Season 1 winner, Javier Colon, who has yet to hit it big. If they can’t make their winner a star, then they lose all credibility.

My favorite part of The Voice is the interaction between the judges, and I especially love when that banter involves cracks at Christina Aguilera’s expense. Watch below to see Blake Shelton and Christina Aguilera fight over a contestant. When Christina insulted Blake, she followed it up with, “I love you Blake. I’m still going fishing with you.” Blake then said, “Good, I’ll drown you.” Since I have it on very good authority that they actually dislike Christina, the clip is even funnier.

Adam Levine appeared on Howard Stern today and Stern asked him about Randy Jackson’s recent comments that The Voice is a “second chance show.” Levine responded with a very brutal attack, which was couched in a nice tone. He said, “Randy Jackson of all people should get it considering ‘American Idol’ was his second chance.” Ouch! Who knew Adam Levine could fight to the death.

If I were a contestant on The Voice, it would take me one millisecond to choose Blake Shelton as my mentor. The reason? He’s the only judge with post-show loyalty. It’s not about winning the show, it’s about what happens after you win the show, and a huge part of an artist’s success is whether other artists with more fame promote them. And Blake Shelton constantly promotes Dia Frampton and Xenia, two contestants from the last season of the show. Sure Adam Levine won with Javier Colon, but does he invite him to sing at Maroon 5 concerts? In fact, Dia Frampton is joining Blake Shelton on tour. You can’t beat that type of exposure. There is no way Christina Aguilera would make that same type of offer.