THE DISHMASTER

You know all those commercials where you hear Morgan Freeman?  Well, it might not actually be Morgan Freeman after all.  Sources tell me that Morgan Freeman is so in-demand for voiceover work, that the actor actually hires a guy that sounds just like him to fill in.  I don’t think that it much matters to the advertisers that hire Freeman, given that no one can really tell the difference.  I’d really like to meet this guy that sounds just like Freeman.  What do you think he tells people his job is at a bar?  “Hi there, I’m a voice-over.  No, no – not for myself but for Morgan Freeman.”  Huh?  Anyways, this is just nutty enough to be true.

Nothing annoys me more than when women in the media overtly sexualize themselves to gain attention.  If you have even a modicum of talent, it’s unnecessary.  In a new interview with the U.K. magazine, ‘Company’, Christina Aguilera says, “If I want to be sexual, it’s for my own appreciation and enjoyment! That’s why I like to talk about the fact that sometimes I am attracted to women. I appreciate their femininity and beauty.”  Aguilera is in good company with her desperate attempt to raise eyebrows.  Zoe Saldana recently talked about sex with Essence Magazine, saying  “Love it, love it, love it-can’t live without it! I love sex. I love skin.  I don’t believe the body is something to hide.”  And then there is Cameron Diaz, who told British Vogue Magazine that “lots of sex” is part of her beauty regime.  “It’s healthy, it’s natural and it’s what we’re here to do,” said Diaz.  You know what’s funny?  I can’t recall any interview with a male actor or singer who went on and on about how much he loves sex.  Do not complain that Hollywood is sexist, or that men are not held to the same physical standards as women, if you are going to pose naked on the covers of magazines and talk about how much you enjoy sex.  It’s embarrassing not “empowering.”

More and more information continues to come out about Jim Carrey’s unreleased film, ‘I Love You Phillip Morris.’  The latest, is a rather disturbing gay scene featuring a naked Jim Carrey.  Why is it so disturbing?  Well, because I’d rather not see Ace Ventura doing another guy in the butt.  The film has had a lot of trouble finding a distributor in the United States and, the reason is now apparent.  With the exception of Showtime’s ‘Queer As Folk,’ when heterosexual actors play homosexual roles, it’s often very clear they are not enjoying themselves.  Even Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger barely made-out in ‘Brokeback Mountain,’ and that film was said to be “groundbreaking.”  I guess Carrey got the memo, and decided to go all-out in this new role.  He’s been trying to transition into dramatic films for quite some time, but to no avail.  I think it’s time to stay with comedy, as there is no shame in sticking to your strongest genre.  Remember Julianne Moore’s failed attempt at comedy in ‘The Law of Attraction.’  She’s now back to drama.  I would attach the scene in question, but it’s been yanked off the internet (presumably because it has erupted the blogosphere).  Take my word for it though, you’re better off without it.

In a new interview with Rolling Stone, Jay-Z  reveals some of the many reasons he stepped down as president of Def Jam.  Among them is his frustration with “record executives that have been sitting in their office for 20 years because of one act.”  He would often hear things like, “but that’s the guy who signed Motley Crue!”  “That was fucking 25 years ago,” says Jay-Z.  When I read this quote I thought wow, I hope no one publishes the name of the guy that Jay-Z is referring to, because that would cause quite the controversy.  About 10 seconds later, I changed course and thought – I have to find out who Jay-Z is referring to – and publish it!  So who signed Motley Crue?  Luckily, I own a little gem of a book written by the very talented Neil Strauss, called ‘The Dirt.’  In it, it’s revealed that the man in question is Tom Zutaut.  So there you have it.  Let the controversy begin!

It’s official.  Paramount is making a film with Tom Cruise, starring ‘Les Grossman,’ his character from ‘Tropic Thunder.’   Remember my excitement about Cruise’s performance at the Mtv Movie Awards?  Perhaps I should have toned it down a bit, because I in no way wanted Cruise to parlay those accolades into an entire movie.  It seems like a huge stretch.  When I heard Stiller was involved in this project, I thought perhaps it would work, but now that I realize he will only produce the film, I’m not so happy.  I think the Mtv awards should have been the last hurrah for this character.  Kill it.

Christopher Nolan is reportedly strongly eyeing Joseph Gordon-Levitt to play the Riddler in the next ‘Batman’ film.  With this news, I am going to engage in some good old-fashioned tooting of my own horn. Since seeing the film ‘Brick,’ I’ve been telling everyone that Joseph Gordon-Levitt is the next Brad Pitt. Many of my friends scoff at this comparison, but  the attention he garnered from ’500 Days of Summer’ convinced me that this isn’t so far fetched after all. He is not the “character” actor that many have suggested, and getting the role in ‘Batman’ will solidify his box-office star status. When it turns out that I am right about this, brace yourself because I will surely remind you daily.

I have to give Chris Rock some major kudos. Not only does he acknowledge the elephant in the room, he walks over to that elephant and takes it for a big circus ride. Rock appeared on Leno, and boldly made some Conan jokes, asking “what happened to the red-headed guy that used to be here?”. He also accused Leno of hiring Rickey Minor to replace Kevin Eubanks, in a bid to save money because Minor is “cheaper.” As expected, Leno was incapable of sparring with Rock, and chose to evade the jokes by changing the subject (many times). For a guy that does so much stand-up, you would think Leno could handle Rock’s heckling. Apparently not.

‘Weeds’ is returning for its sixth season, and judging from the trailer, it looks like the disturbing story-lines will continue.  I actually thought last season was the best yet, with Esteban’s character having a much more prevelant role in the show.  He’s pretty much the only supporting actor thus far that I really like.  As a side-note, I now understand exactly why Mary Louise Parker turned down Teri Hatcher’s role in ‘Desperate Housewives.’  It’s wasn’t quite dark enough for her taste.  Watch the trailer below (and please take the time to acknowledge Parker’s hot legs.  I’m extremely jealous).

I think almost everyone agrees that John Stamos is a great looking guy, but it wasn’t until ‘ER’ that people starting to talk about his acting chops.  Well, the buzz has paid off.  Stamos will have a recurring role next season as Emma’s love interest.  This warrants a major congratulations to Stamos.  Given that ‘Glee’ is so successful, this is probably Stamos’ biggest “get” since his ‘Full House’ days.  I’d also really like to take a moment to throw this in Rebecca Romijn’s face.  Why?   Because once upon a time when Romijn was married to Stamos, she thought she was on the verge of a big movie career on the heels of her naked-blue-person role in ‘X-Men.’  She condescendingly  threw her burgeoning “success,” in Stamos’ face by saying, “John, you know what the problem is with your career?  You’ve never worked with a good director.”  Nothing pleases me more then when the tides turn in ways that make us eat our unkind words.  Do you think he will now take her out to dinner and give her the same advice?

With all the remakes and ripoffs in the entertainment industry, I’m surprised no one has thought of this.  Derek and Julianne Hough, the brother/sister dancing duo on ‘Dancing With the Stars,’ should get together and host a variety style talk show.  They’re both beautiful to look at, and all attempts to venture out of the dancing world and start other projects, have pretty much fallen flat.  Why?  Because they never tried this idea before.  To top off the strange Donnie & Marie connection, the two are both Mormons.  They grew up in Utah and moved to London at an early age to further their dancing careers (where they interestingly trained with the parents of fellow ‘Dancing With the Stars’ professional, Mark Ballas).  Though it pains me to admit this, I did not actually come up with this idea on my own.  An executive at my office did, and he gave me permission to take full credit.  I just couldn’t do it though.  So in an effort to maintain his anonymity while still making him sound cool, I’ll just call him C-Dog.  If anyone steals this idea though without forking over some major dough, I’ll sue you.  Hear that dancing duo?


Derek and Julianne Hough, the brother/sister dancing duo on ‘Dancing With the Stars,’ should get together and host a variety style talk show. They’re both beautiful to look at, and all attempts to venture out of the dancing world and start other projects, have pretty much fallen flat. Why? Because they never tried this idea before. To top off the strange Donnie & Marie connection, the two are both Mormons. They grew up in Utah and moved to London at an early age to further their dancing careers (where they interestingly trained with the parents of fellow ‘Dancing With the Stars’ professional, Mark Ballas). Though it pains me to admit this, I did not actually come up with this idea on my own. An executive at my office did, and he gave me permission to take it on as my own. I just couldn’t do it though. So in an effort to maintain his anonymity while still making him sound cool, I’ll just call him C-Dog. If anyone steals this idea though without forking over some major dough, I’ll sue you. Hear that dancing duo?