THE DISHMASTER

I like Khloe Kardashian, so I can’t figure out why the possibility of her hosting X Factor is so bothersome. In short, it feels desperate, and it’s extremely unsettling to associate Simon Cowell with the word “desperate.” It’s as if he sat around and methodically tried to hit his ratings mark in every genre. Young person demographic? Check (Demi Lovato)! Huge pop-star on a career down-slide? Check (Britney Spears)! Reality star that people love to hate? Check (Khloe Kardashian)! There was a time when Simon Cowell felt authentic, when he stood for an unwavering favor of quality, when he acknowledged the public’s desire, but didn’t pander to it. Has the guy gone soft?

“She’s like Jessica Rabbit. Unfortunately we’ve put Daffy Duck’s brain in. But I love Daffy Duck. She’s ditzy and she’s adorable. She’s gonna kill me for the Daffy Duck.” Simon Cowell, on Nicole Scherzinger’s beauty and “intelligence.”

The real king in Elton John’s Super Bowl commercial is Simon Cowell, who somehow managed to hook up X Factor winner Melanie Amaro with a Super Bowl commercial. The man is a genius. The success of X Factor is dependent on his winners becoming stars in the real world, so this choice was brilliant. Plus, the commercial is funny. Watch below.

Well, folks — it’s the time of year when The Dishmaster says, “I told you so.” According to reports, Paula Abdul, Nicole Scherzinger, & Steve Jones have all been fired from X Factor (or as Hollywood puts it — their options were not picked up). Though I love to pat myself on my back, this prediction was an easy one. Jones received criticism for months and Scherzinger was not only a terrible host, but she also caused outrage for eliminating Rachel Crow. Also, Simon took a legitimate swipe at her on the air, which proved true the rumors of animosity. As for Paula Abdul, I’m sad to see her go, but it had to happen. Choosing her made the panel look like a poor man’s American Idol.

“I respect Nicole and I love her but I think that as a creative executive — Simon, that’s the lane that he’s in, you know?  So that’s when I think I crashed and burned — those last two weeks when I didn’t have his help.  And unfortunately, I wasn’t in his category.  So unfortunately, I had to bite the bullet.” ‘X Factor’s’ Stacy Francis on whether Nicole Scherzinger’s poor song-choices resulted in her elimination from the competition and whether she would have rather had Simon Cowell as her mentor.

If you watch X Factor, then you’re familiar with the excessively pompous Nicole Scherzinger who has made it clear on numerous occasions that she can actually sing. So you can imagine my bliss when I discovered her wretched new single, ‘Try With Me’, where the vocals are nearly unrecognizable amidst an auto-tuned mess. Haven’t we heard enough of this wretched sound? Isn’t it time for evolution to phase out these types of singers? Where’s Darwin when you need him. Listen below.

A new promo for X Factor was just released — and the show looks good. Though Simon Cowell insists that the format is completely different than American Idol, the truth is that wherever Simon Cowell goes — ratings will follow — format or not. In fact, I think it’s fair to say that the real “X Factor” is Simon Cowell and not some random contestant that will win five million dollars in the end. That man sure is a genius, though. He’s going to pocket hundreds of millions as the creator of a show he ripped off from Simon Fuller.

Here’s the history of the Simon Cowell v. Simon Fuller feud in a nutshell. Simon Fuller created a show in the UK called ‘Pop Idol,’ which is where Simon Cowell got his television start. At the time, the Simons were good friends. Cowell then jumped ship by creating ‘X Factor,’ which was basically a rip-off of ‘Pop Idol.’ Since Cowell was deemed a “creator” of ‘X Factor’ (a credit he did not get on Pop Idol), he received a lot more money for the new show. Fuller sued Cowell, claiming that ‘X Factor’ was a rip off of Pop Idol (which it was). The parties settled, and the settlement included Fuller getting Executive Producer credit on ‘X Factor’ (and most likely a percentage of the back-end profit). So here’s where it gets sticky. Simon Cowell pulled the same move twice, by jumping ship on ‘American Idol’ in favor of ‘X Factor’ (note: the same rule applies — Cowell stands to receive much more money because he’s a creator of ‘X Factor’ and he is not a creator of American Idol). Fuller sued, saying that according to their original settlement, he should receive Executive Producer credit on the American version of ‘X Factor.’ Are you ready for Fox’s official response? They said, “His suit seeks payment and credit as an executive producer despite his neither having been approved by the required parties, nor hired, as such. We believe this lawsuit is without merit and we expect to prevail.” Nice try, guys. It’s completely irrelevant whether the “parties” approved him as an Executive Producer or whether he actually rendered any services on the new show. What matters is his settlement. He created a show, his friend ripped him off, and he’s entitled to some dough. That’s the long and short of it.

Here’s what I don’t understand about this season’s deplorable American Idol. Do the judges have a plan? Did they just pick some decent singers, put them on stage and decide that everyone’s equal, and it doesn’t matter who gets voted off? That’s certainly my hypothesis, given their lack of negative criticism. I actually thought Casey Abrams would take the Idol crown, until I realized that the judges have done nothing to direct the audience. That means the strongest singers have been voted off, and many of the weaker singers, with absolutely zero personality, are staying. Do the judges seriously think that every singer remaining can have a successful career outside of this talent show? Apparently so, since they arbitrarily compliment everyone. I’d like to take a moment to remind the judges that the competition is not just about singing ability — it’s about looks, personality, and charisma. Until they gain a better understanding of this, it’s basically a crapshoot, and the more talented kids like Casey Abrams, Pia Toscano, and Paul McDonald will get pushed aside. It’s unfortunate and frustrating. I cannot wait for X-Factor. I yearn for Simon Cowell’s return.

Rumors are circulating that Jennifer Lopez will leave American Idol at this season’s end, and it’s a great idea. As soon as X-Factor premieres American Idol is done, and JLO is way too business savvy to stay with a sinking ship. She jumped on board a cash-cow at the exact right moment, and I’m certain she’ll flee the ship right before it sinks. The only issue is that she’s likely to leave American Idol for another reality show, which will certainly irreparably damage her brand. Reality television is where stars go to die, and Simon Cowell’s brain-children are the only exception. Either leave American Idol for X-Factor, or return to the movie business.