THE DISHMASTER

“I’m confident that if we lived in the same city and met at a church, we would have made it.” Emily Maynard on her breakup with ‘The Bachelor’s’ Brad Womack.

“When you’re almost 90 years old you don’t have the luxury of waiting to recover from something. You get one day and then you go, ‘let’s live some more life.’” Howard Stern on Hugh Hefner having a new girlfriend so soon after his fiance left him.

“I wonder if he ever banged JLO to her own song. I bet she insists on it.” Howard Stern on Marc Anthony’s sex life with Jennifer Lopez.

“Ted Kennedy essentially ran away from killing a woman . . . and he went on to become a senator that was honored and respected. In the history of scandal . . . this guy sexting a picture of his cock in his underwear . . . this poor motherfucker didn’t even get to fuck any of these broads.” Howard Stern’s take on the severity of the Anthony Weiner scandal.

“If you want to take your life and ride around on a bicycle, just do me one favor. When things aren’t going well for you when you’re older and u don’t have health insurance and you don’t have any money in the bank because you spent your youth riding a bicycle instead of building your career, I don’t want you complaining, and I don’t want you going on welfare, and I don’t want you asking me for a handout. That’s all.” Howard Stern on his staff-member’s terrible decision to quit Stern’s radio show so he could bicycle around the country for an entire year.

” . . . if I remember correctly, she and I were very rude to each other. It was crazy. I was at a party — I’d never met her — and she was like, ‘Come sit down.’ So I sit at her table and talk for ten minutes, and she goes, ‘I think it’s time for you to leave now.’ So I say, ‘January, you are an actress in a show and everybody’s going to forget about you in a few years, so fucking be nice,’ and I got up and left. And she thinks that’s funny?” Zach Galifianakis’ take on his awful January Jones encounter, after recently hearing that she called him “the most naturally funny man she’d ever met.”

“Keep the fights clean and the sex dirty.” Kevin Bacon on the key to his successful marriage to Kyra Sedgwick.

“I’ve seen scandal after scandal, and after a few months, nobody remembers it. It’s totally irrelevant. After Osama, who’s talking about Charlie Sheen? All you have to do in America is keep your mouth shut for a day or two.” Albert Ruddy, producer of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s recently shelved comeback film, ‘Cry Macho.’

“This is bull shit. I need to see a video of him being born.” Howard Stern on Obama’s recently released birth certificate.

“So strange a knife got on board. Can’t wait to get to Maui.” The very concerned Paris Hilton on her flight to Hawaii being disrupted when a knife was found on board her plane.