When Fantasia Barrino first discussed her suicide attempt, I respected her choice. I thought she did it to get the press off her back, so that she could retreat into some intensive, in-house therapy for months, and only come out when she had recovered. I was wrong. It’s been only three weeks, and she’s done just about every interview on the planet. Not only that, she’s also discussing it at live performances. That’s quite the speedy recovery. Who knew that George Lopez, Good Morning America, Behind the Music, and the Los Angeles Times, could all help you bounce back so quickly? Oh yeah – did I mention that she’s still filming her reality show?
Category: General
Howard Stern Tells Jerry Seinfeld He’ll Stay on the Radio
The only interesting thing about Jerry Seinfeld’s surprise call to Howard Stern’s radio show today, was Stern’s confession to Seinfeld that he’ll stay on the radio. Though he did not say he’ll re-sign with Sirius, he admitted that he won’t retire, and he is fielding “other offers.” The Stern/Seinfeld interview, was their first on-air exchange in over a decade because, as Seinfeld said, “you only go on Howard Stern when you’re on your way up, and when you’re on your way down.” Unfortunately, Stern didn’t ask Jerry about their “feud,” which Stern thinks started when he made fun of Jerry’s May-December romance with Shoshanna Lonstein (who was a teenager at the time). Jerry didn’t seem very in the mood to play though, so any mention of a past scuffle between them might have led to another decade of silent treatment.
Jewel’s In Memoriam Song — The Emmys’ Best Part
You wouldn’t think that the best part of the Emmy’s would be the In Memoriam section — but it was. For one of the first times in the history of the telecast, a live performance took place while the tribute was playing. Jewel sang The Shape of You, which is an unrecorded song that she wrote for a friend who died of cancer. I loved the performance, and it transformed the tribute into something a little more personal. My only complaint is the clapping from the audience while the pictures are flashing. It becomes a morbid competition as to who will be most remembered. I’m guessing the audience was previously informed not to clap, and some asshole seat-fillers didn’t listen. Actually, the seat-fillers probably listened, and the celebrities were likely the assholes. Anyways, listen to Jewel below. I love her.
John Mayer Slams the Word Slam — He’s my Hero
Amidst John Mayer’s war with the Huffington Post, I noticed something worth mentioning. After using a clever analogy to attack HuffPo’s negligent “fact checking,” he gave them a title for their next post. Here it is: “JOHN MAYER SLAMS HUFFPO: ” GO F**K YOURSELF!’” I imagine that the Huffington Post would have actually used that title, had he not beat them to the punch. I appreciate Mayer giving me an excuse to slam the word “slam,” because it’s a personal pet peeve. Almost every celebrity tabloid uses it for their title, even if its completely arbitrary. I conclude that unless “slam” is used in a sexual context, it should be abandoned altogether. To prove my point, I’ve listed some recent tabloid titles below.
- Actor Slams Fabricated Affair with Rimes. Popeater
- Witherspoon Slams Simpson. Teen Hollywood
- Kristin Chenoweth Slams Newsweek’s Homophobic Article. Just Jared
- Gerard Depardieu Slams Juliette Binoche: She is Nothing. Huffington Post
- Boy George Slams Lady Gaga Over Cocaine Confession. Pop Crunch
- Kelly Clarkson Slams Record Label on Stage. Digital Spy
- Jennifer Aniston Slammed for Using R Word in Interview. New York Post
- Taylor Momsen Slams Rihanna. Teens Press
Today’s Question: What’s Wrong With Being a “Fame-Whore?”
Today is a new day, and it’s therefore time for a new pet-peave. Both Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston are throwing the word “famewhore” at each other, amidst Bristol joining Dancing With the Stars and Levi’s bid for Mayor of Wasilla. I think it’s fair to say they are both famewhores. But this isn’t the first time I’ve seen famewhore name calling. Remember when douchey bachelor Jake Pavelka called Vienna a famewhore? Last time I checked Jake, there are many ways to meet “the one,” which don’t include starring in an ABC television show, and crying over a balcony like a woman. The truth is, just about everyone on the planet is a “famewhore,” and it’s only a rare few that have both fame and talent. So what’s wrong with a blind quest for fame? If you have ever gone to a show taping, you will see the crew, working tirelessly for an inordinate amount of hours, while the actors just loaf around and wait for their moment to robotically spit out their lines. I realize that acting is an art-form and I don’t mean to insult it. That being said, it would certainly be a nice life to get paid an excessive amount of money to sit around in your trailer while everyone else is doing the heavy lifting.
John Mayer Calls Huffington Post: “A Stripper Wearing Reading Glasses”
The world has officially ended when John Mayer starts to make sense. Mayer is pissed at the Huffington Post for reporting that he is back together with Jennifer Aniston. Apparently, HuffPo got their story from a recent Mayer concert, where he said some cryptic words on stage, that led to an arbitrary assumption that he was referencing an Aniston reunion. Mayer explained the real meaning of the quote, and then went on to attack the Huffington Post, for pretending to be something they aren’t. According to Mayer, he’s fine with Star Magazine and In Touch, because of their definitive tabloid identity, whereas HuffPo is disguised with a high-brow, hard-news image. And if his stripper analogy didn’t blow your mind, he also called them “an insolvent law student willing to dance for extra dollars.” Mayer is slowly removing himself from my Hollywood douchebag list. Keep the analogies coming!
Attention Tabloids: Stop Calling Jessica Simpson Fat
Here’s my new policy: unless you have any creative endeavors in the pipeline, tabloid magazines should refrain from reporting about your goings-on. That includes Jessica Simpson, who constantly makes the rags solely because of her weight gain. And just when you get a breather from those unflattering photos, you get highly airbrushed pictures of Simpson on the covers of non-tabloid magazines, discussing how comfortable she is with her body. I’m sick of it. I don’t care that she’s comfortable with her “curves,” nor do I care that she has them. In fact, I like her gigantic boobies and ass, and I found myself highly depressed when she was in Dukes of Hazzard, because I thought, if Jessica Simpson can get down to a size zero in less than three months, I should be able to accomplish the same. Unfortunately, my ass never met the challenge. Summation? Leave the girl alone, and get some new people to pick-on.
Dear World, Leave Jennifer Aniston Alone
I’m forced to defend Jennifer Aniston. Though her incessant throat-clearing on Friends still peeves me in syndication, I’ve often made a habit to defend underdogs. You might be asking yourself how Jennifer Aniston is an underdog. I’d like to point you to a review of The Switch by Mr. Wesley Morris of the Boston Globe. It begins with the line, “the romantic comedy has never had a star as depressing as Jennifer Aniston.” Seriously? Usually I would ignore this and file it away in my prick-dom archives, but a summary of negative reviews for The Switch, provided by the Los Angeles times, exposed many other needless Jennifer Aniston insults. Many of these critics like to list almost every one of her movies, as examples of how consistently terrible she is. In response, I am going to do the same — only I am going to use money to justify her success — unlike these male critics that solely use their menopausal temperament as a barometer. Here goes: Marley and Me grossed over $200 million worldwide; Along Came Polly grossed over $150 million; The Break-Up grossed over $200 million; and Bruce Almighty grossed over $450 million. Translation? She’s a successful film actress. So why the Aniston backlash, and the constant jabs at her being single and childless? I don’t know. All I know is that George Clooney is perpetually single as well. Like Aniston, he was married once, has dated around, and never married again. Does anyone say that he “can’t find a woman?” Or that he is “desperate and childless?” In summation, I would encourage Mr. Morris and all other critics to take the she-hating stick out of his ass.
Should Howard Stern Play Artie Lange Clips — Is it Moral?
Something makes me very uneasy about Howard Stern’s replay week while he’s on vacation. He is playing the best of Artie Lange, which includes many of Artie’s tortured revelations on the radio. For those of you that don’t know, comedian Artie Lange attempted suicide recently, in a very gruesome and disturbing way. He consistently discussed his drug addiction and depression on the air, which led me to question Stern’s morals for keeping him employed. To be fair, Stern openly doubted his decision to keep Artie employed, but often said he didn’t think that firing him would help his recovery. My problem is that Artie frequently showed up for his radio gig while on heroin, and often fell asleep on the air, which led to grandiose guffaw’s at Lange’s expense. In hindsight, I’m sure Stern is tortured by his choices. Is it okay to laugh at the depressed, drug-addicted, alcoholic? And is it okay to keep paying the guy that is using his gigantic paycheck to facilitate his addiction? Because neither Stern nor I have objective answers to these questions, I think it’s probably best to forgo the Artie Lange archive altogether.
Are Elin Nordegren & Sandra Bullock Friends? — Elin Talks to People About Tiger
I just finished reading Tiger Woods’ ex-wife’s interview with People magazine, and I couldn’t help but be reminded of Sandra Bullock’s recent tell-all interview with People. So did Elin Nordegren take a note from Sandra’s book about how to discuss your husband’s infidelity? I’m not sure — but both interviews are equally moving. Amongst the many revelations, I particularly enjoyed the following admissions: she had no idea that Tiger cheated and she’s embarrassed that she never caught on; she never beat him with a golf club; she is currently in therapy to deal with everything; she’s getting a degree in psychology; and she tried very hard to salvage the marriage, but the trust was irretrievably broken. While that was all worded in a very touching and heart-breaking way, I haven’t yet revealed my favorite part of the interview. Here goes — when asked how it feels to have so much money, Elin said “money doesn’t make you happy.” Just before I had the chance to roll my eyes, I saw the next line, where she said, “but I have to be honest: It is making some things easier.” I officially love her. There is nothing worse than a woman with $100 million dollars opining platitudes like, “money doesn’t make you happy.” You go girl!