THE DISHMASTER

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Ashton Kutcher Archive

Friday

27

January 2012

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COMMENTS

Demi Moore’s 911 Call Airs — Will TMZ Rot in Hell?

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Here at The Dishmaster I like to preach morality. So you can imagine my rage at TMZ’s airing of Demi Moore’s 911 call. These 911 calls need to remain private. It’s deplorable to think that a celebrity cannot ask for help in private. Sure she put her marriage on display thereby inviting the public’s reaction to her divorce. But this is different. Until there’s a law against public access to 911 calls, TMZ needs to maintain their last shred of human decency.

Tuesday

22

November 2011

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COMMENTS

Sunday

2

October 2011

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COMMENTS

Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore Split Up? — Twitter Thinks So

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Want to know how to get the press off your back? — Release a statement which explicitly denies a tabloid report. In the case of Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher — neither party has taken this mature route, and they have instead released cryptic messages on twitter that border on annoying. Ashton linked to a song entitled, ‘Don’t believe The Hype,’ Demi Moore posted a strange picture of herself with her eyes closed, and a the words, “I see through you,” and then later quoted some Greek philosopher who said, “When we are offended at any man’s fault, turn to yourself & study your own failings. Then you will forget your anger.” These two should either deny the report or count to ten before tweeting. To be fair though, I have to put my judgmental hat aside and admit that I often use Facebook to take digs at my exes, especially a certain man I recently dated who ripped my heart out and ate it for breakfast. Having said that, I will dodge the hypocrisy accusations with one simple fact — I’m not famous — and I don’t have a publicist that should be monitoring my electronic behavior.

Tuesday

20

September 2011

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COMMENTS

Charlie Sheen Reaches Two and a Half Men Settlement? — No Wonder He’s So Nice

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If you wondered why Charlie Sheen recently changed his tune about Two and a Half Men in support of Ashton Kutcher — your questions are answered.  According to Deadline, Sheen and Warner Bros. are close to reaching a very lucrative settlement on Sheen’s 100 million dollar lawsuit. Though no contracts are signed as of yet, it certainly helps settlement negotiations when one of the parties is openly cooperative. And furthermore, if it’s true that Sheen will pocket a $25 million settlement without putting in any extra hours on set, well then I imagine he’s a happy guy. Sure it’s less than what he would have had if he kept working on the show — but getting $25 million for getting fired is a sweet deal. Oh yeah — he’s also shopping a new series — which also explains his image cleanup tour.

Saturday

14

May 2011

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COMMENTS

Ashton Kutcher Replacing Charlie Sheen on ‘Two and a Half Men’ — Brilliant!

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Of all the names thrown around to replace Charlie Sheen, Ashton Kutcher is by far the best. Though I’m unsure anyone can rescue a show that lost it’s star, Kutcher is certainly worth betting on. First, he’s a social media superstar, which will help people get excited about the transition. And second, he’s a television titan. In recent years, Kutcher has made a valiant attempt at a movie career, which has fallen flat. Some actors just aren’t meant for the movie business, and Kutcher is one of them. He’s a Television star who hit it big on ‘That 70’s Show,’ and something tells me he’ll hit it big again on this one. Plus, he’s getting paid bank, which makes his decision a win-win regardless of the outcome.

Tuesday

19

April 2011

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COMMENTS

Demi Moore & Ashton Kutcher Discuss Their Love on Piers Morgan — They Annoy Me

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Call me a curmudgeon, but I find it extremely irritating when celebrity couples discuss how happy they are. Despite being a love-hater, I’m also superstitious, which means I wouldn’t dare publicly declare my love for someone on national television (or on facebook for that matter) for fear that the relationship will end, and those statements will be etched in time forever. That doesn’t stop Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher though, who have been on a love parade since they got married. Watch a clip of their appearance on Piers Morgan below. Try not to get a cavity from the sugar.

Sunday

6

February 2011

2

COMMENTS

Today’s Rule: Stop Calling Romantic Comedies “Predictable”

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It’s called a romantic comedy for a reason.  If the two main characters don’t get together in the end, then it’s not a comedy.  And if you use My Best Friend’s Wedding as an example I might throw something.  Sure that film was “unpredictable,” but it was also horrible.   Furthermore, I don’t pay good money to walk into a theater expecting a laugh, and leave the theater crying because the lead actress got hit by a bus.  So what inspired this hateful tirade?  Well, I saw the film No Strings Attached, which was surprisingly mediocre.  I use the term surprising, because I expected it to be terrible, and left feeling pleasantly complacent.  In Dishmaster land, complacent is equivalent to cheerful bliss.  After I left, I read the reviews, and I kept seeing the word “predictable.”  What exactly were the critics expecting?  There were certainly issues with the movie, but predicting the ending was not one of them.

Saturday

18

December 2010

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COMMENTS

What is Defamation & Why Didn’t Ashton Kutcher Sue?

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*By Guest Blogger and Lawyer: Rik Sault

At the time Star Magazine published their story about how Ashton Kutcher cheated on Demi Moore, Kutcher tweeted that Star Magazine defamed his character and he threatened to sue. This isn’t the first time celebrities have sued or threatened to sue tabloids for defamation of character. So what is defamation, and why doesn’t every celebrity sue?

The first thing to understand about defamation is that celebrities can’t sue anyone who airs their dirty laundry if it’s true. When celebrities and other public figures sue for defamation, they can only win if they prove that the defamatory statement is false.

Oh what’s that you say? What is a defamatory statement? Great question. It is a statement about the celebrity which hurts his reputation. The statement must also be communicated to a person other than the celebrity himself. (So if Star Magazine called Ashton at his house and accused him of cheating, they’d be in the clear — because no one else heard it).

Given the above explanation, it doesn’t seem like it should be so hard for Ashton to prove his case against Star Magazine, right? They published the story — “Ashton Kutcher Caught Cheating…” — to the world and it makes Ashton sound like an unfaithful jerk. And of course it’s false – that Jamie Madrox look-alike would never cheat on G.I. Jane, right?

But there’s one more catch — as a public figure, Ashton must prove that Star Magazine published the statement with full knowledge that the statement was false or with reckless disregard for whether it was true or false. Sure, they probably knew they were lying and they probably do it all the time. But how is Ashton going to prove it in court?

It is hard for him to come up with photos of him NOT kissing girls. He would have to get someone from Star to blow up their own journalistic spot and say, “yeah, I knew it wasn’t true and I wrote it anyway.”

If you’ve been following my analysis, you might have come to one of two conclusions to the title of this post. Either the case is just too hard to win, or Ashton really did cheat and can’t sue a tabloid for reporting the truth.  So which one is it?  I have no idea, but you’re free to draw your own conclusions.

In closing, I’d like to proclaim that everything I didn’t already know, I learned from The Dishmaster.

Friday

3

December 2010

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COMMENTS

Ashton Kutcher Sues Vivid Over Sex Tape Claim? — Something Smells Fishy, Ashton

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Ashton Kutcher’s alleged mistress is selling a sex tape and it’s being promoted as “the girl who had sex with Ashton Kutcher.” Kutcher is suing, claiming that this “infringes on his celebrity value.” Allow me to put this lawyer thing to use and explain why Ashton Kutcher’s handling of this has become mighty suspicious. First, when he was initially accused of having an affair with this woman by Star Magazine, he threatened to sue for defamation — but he never did. The problem with suing for defamation is that in order for Kutcher to have a case, the accusation has to be false. So the fact that Kutcher never sued leads me to believe that the information is true, and he therefore knew he wouldn’t win. Got it? That brings me to my next point. A small part of me thought Kutcher didn’t sue because, despite his oodles of cash, he simply didn’t feel like it. After all, does anyone believe Star Magazine anyways? Why waste money on a frivolous lawsuit, right? But here’s where it gets suspicious. As soon as this girl released a sex tape claiming that she’s the person who had sex with Kutcher, he decided to sue. Why? I suspect it’s because he finally found a case he can win. He’s not suing for defamation, he’s suing for “using his celebrity name” to promote a product. It’s sort of a smart move that I don’t think anyone but myself would catch. He can win the lawsuit, and the suit lets the public think he’s finally standing up for himself.  Just a theory though.  I’ve asked my friend to write a guest post on defamation to explain this further, so we’ll see if I ever get it.  Are you reading this, mystery friend?

Monday

24

May 2010

2

COMMENTS

Britney Spears Beats Ashton Kutcher in Twitter Followers

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I can’t decide if this news makes me happy or sad. On the one hand, I’m so in love with Britney Spears that I often find myself dancing in front of my mirror with a fake snake around my shoulders singing “I’m a Slave for You.” On the other hand, Ashton is the King of Twitter. He practically launched the social medium, and I hate to see a king lose his crown. I’ve therefore decided that Ashton and Britney are officially the King AND Queen of Twitter, and they need to have a cup of coffee to discuss what appearances they will make with these titles. Oh to be a fly on the wall during an Ashton/Britney conversation.

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