Here’s my new policy: unless you have any creative endeavors in the pipeline, tabloid magazines should refrain from reporting about your goings-on. That includes Jessica Simpson, who constantly makes the rags solely because of her weight gain. And just when you get a breather from those unflattering photos, you get highly airbrushed pictures of Simpson on the covers of non-tabloid magazines, discussing how comfortable she is with her body. I’m sick of it. I don’t care that she’s comfortable with her “curves,” nor do I care that she has them. In fact, I like her gigantic boobies and ass, and I found myself highly depressed when she was in Dukes of Hazzard, because I thought, if Jessica Simpson can get down to a size zero in less than three months, I should be able to accomplish the same. Unfortunately, my ass never met the challenge. Summation? Leave the girl alone, and get some new people to pick-on.
Dear World, Leave Jennifer Aniston Alone
I’m forced to defend Jennifer Aniston. Though her incessant throat-clearing on Friends still peeves me in syndication, I’ve often made a habit to defend underdogs. You might be asking yourself how Jennifer Aniston is an underdog. I’d like to point you to a review of The Switch by Mr. Wesley Morris of the Boston Globe. It begins with the line, “the romantic comedy has never had a star as depressing as Jennifer Aniston.” Seriously? Usually I would ignore this and file it away in my prick-dom archives, but a summary of negative reviews for The Switch, provided by the Los Angeles times, exposed many other needless Jennifer Aniston insults. Many of these critics like to list almost every one of her movies, as examples of how consistently terrible she is. In response, I am going to do the same — only I am going to use money to justify her success — unlike these male critics that solely use their menopausal temperament as a barometer. Here goes: Marley and Me grossed over $200 million worldwide; Along Came Polly grossed over $150 million; The Break-Up grossed over $200 million; and Bruce Almighty grossed over $450 million. Translation? She’s a successful film actress. So why the Aniston backlash, and the constant jabs at her being single and childless? I don’t know. All I know is that George Clooney is perpetually single as well. Like Aniston, he was married once, has dated around, and never married again. Does anyone say that he “can’t find a woman?” Or that he is “desperate and childless?” In summation, I would encourage Mr. Morris and all other critics to take the she-hating stick out of his ass.
Should Howard Stern Play Artie Lange Clips — Is it Moral?
Something makes me very uneasy about Howard Stern’s replay week while he’s on vacation. He is playing the best of Artie Lange, which includes many of Artie’s tortured revelations on the radio. For those of you that don’t know, comedian Artie Lange attempted suicide recently, in a very gruesome and disturbing way. He consistently discussed his drug addiction and depression on the air, which led me to question Stern’s morals for keeping him employed. To be fair, Stern openly doubted his decision to keep Artie employed, but often said he didn’t think that firing him would help his recovery. My problem is that Artie frequently showed up for his radio gig while on heroin, and often fell asleep on the air, which led to grandiose guffaw’s at Lange’s expense. In hindsight, I’m sure Stern is tortured by his choices. Is it okay to laugh at the depressed, drug-addicted, alcoholic? And is it okay to keep paying the guy that is using his gigantic paycheck to facilitate his addiction? Because neither Stern nor I have objective answers to these questions, I think it’s probably best to forgo the Artie Lange archive altogether.
Are Elin Nordegren & Sandra Bullock Friends? — Elin Talks to People About Tiger
I just finished reading Tiger Woods’ ex-wife’s interview with People magazine, and I couldn’t help but be reminded of Sandra Bullock’s recent tell-all interview with People. So did Elin Nordegren take a note from Sandra’s book about how to discuss your husband’s infidelity? I’m not sure — but both interviews are equally moving. Amongst the many revelations, I particularly enjoyed the following admissions: she had no idea that Tiger cheated and she’s embarrassed that she never caught on; she never beat him with a golf club; she is currently in therapy to deal with everything; she’s getting a degree in psychology; and she tried very hard to salvage the marriage, but the trust was irretrievably broken. While that was all worded in a very touching and heart-breaking way, I haven’t yet revealed my favorite part of the interview. Here goes — when asked how it feels to have so much money, Elin said “money doesn’t make you happy.” Just before I had the chance to roll my eyes, I saw the next line, where she said, “but I have to be honest: It is making some things easier.” I officially love her. There is nothing worse than a woman with $100 million dollars opining platitudes like, “money doesn’t make you happy.” You go girl!
Who’s the Hot Guy in Martin Scorsese’s Chanel Ad?
Martin Scorsese shot an ad for Chanel’s new fragrance, Bleu de Chanel, and I could not help but notice the beautiful man in the commercial. So who is he? His name is Gaspard Ulliel, and he’s a french film actor. His most notable role is A Very Long Engagement, for which he received a Cesar Award for Most Promising Actor. The commercial is predictably fantastic, given that it’s directed by Scorsese. I have to give Chanel credit for choosing Scorsese though. Almost every commercial they’ve released has been brilliantly put together, which leads me to believe they have very talented creative people calling the shots. To show you what I mean, I’ve attached some of my favorite Chanel commercials below. Enjoy!
Starring Nicole Kidman and Rodrigo Santuro and directed by Moulin Rouge’s Baz Luhrmann
Directed by French director Jean-Pierre Jeunet and starring Audrey Tatau
Starring Estella Warren
Starring Marilyn Monroe and Carole Bouquet
Starring Carole Bouquet
The Secret Behind Glee’s Success
There is a very specific reason that Glee is successful. The show made its stars, and not the other way around. Confused? Here’s my theory in a nutshell: Glee creator Ryan Murphy, cast a group of unknown talents. He did his homework, instead of lazily casting famous actors to avoid risk. Almost every hit show in television history started with unknown actors. For example, did you ever hear of Jerry Seinfeld prior to Seinfeld? What about Ray Romano before Everybody Loves Ramond? Or Ted Danson before Cheers? How about Jennifer Aniston before Friends? Certainly there are some clear exceptions to my general rule. The two main exceptions are Kelsey Grammer’s move from Cheers to Frasier, and Mary Tyler Moore’s move from Dick Van Dyke to Mary Tyler Moore. But overall, recycling stars doesn’t work, and it’s unfortunately prevalent in today’s television world, which is flooded with creatively devoid executives that can’t be bothered to search for unknown talent. I won’t mention the very famous stars on the recent, failed television shows. Why? Because I hope to one day get invited to celebrity shin-digs, and I can’t very well accomplish that if I bash A-listers.
Howard Stern Sticks-It to Sirius With Lots of August Vacations
Howard Stern is currently on a third week of vacation in the last month, and I smell a rat. Either the man accrued a ton of vacation days just in time for his contract renegotiation, or he is making a ridiculous attempt to show Sirius his worth. If Stern saw this post, I know he would call bull-shit, and probably tell me that Sirius is well-aware of his worth. I’d respond by telling him he’s an egomaniac, and not even $500 million dollars would quench is ego-stroking thirst. So what’s the hold-up on his contract? If you listen to his radio show, you would hear him say that “no negotiation is taking place” at the moment. Translation? “I told Sirius my terms, and they have to meet them — I’m not negotiating.” Though I’m unaware of his terms, I imagine he wants the following: more vacation time than he has now; the same or more money; and permission to start the show an hour later (7 am). I’m also almost positive that he doesn’t want to get tied down to a multi-year contract again, and only wants to re-sign for one year, which is something I’m sure Sirius would reject. Does this mean we will lose Stern forever? No-fucking-way. The man loves the sound of his own voice way too much for that. Plus, I’m not sure what I would do without my daily Howard Stern radio show. He cannot abandon his listeners, and I’m confident he won’t.
Modern Family Promises Big, Gay, Wet Kiss — Is Ryan Murphy Happy?
Glee creator Ryan Murphy, recently complained that the gay characters on Modern Family don’t kiss on the show, calling it “archaic and and outdated.” So what happened? You guessed it — they are going to kiss. Though Modern Family co-creator Steve Levitan insists that the kiss has nothing to do with Murphy’s comments, I’m absolutely positive it is the exclusive reason for the choice. I’m guessing that because Eric Stonestreet is straight in real life, he probably doesn’t feel comfortable consistently kissing his co-star, Jesse Tyler Ferguson. As a result, the writers have yet to work it in to the script. The problem with executing the gay kiss now, is that it becomes a “stunt,” which is exactly what Ryan Murphy said is ridiculous. According to Murphy, it should be organically worked in to the scene. Otherwise, it hearkens back to Melrose Place — remember Doug Savant’s highly promoted “first-gay-kiss on television?” You would think times have changed — but apparently not.
Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino Will Make $5 Million — He’s Worth Every Penny
If anyone should be making oodles of money off of reality stardom, it’s Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino, of Jersey Shore. Almost every other reality star on television cannot even put two sentences together. Contrary to Kim Kardashian, Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie, The Housewives of Anywhere, and every cast member of The Real World’s last ten seasons, Mike Sorrentino actually has a personality, and he isn’t evil. Yes, the Jersey Shore folks drink lots of liquor and occasionally get it on with “grenades.” But alcoholism and sexual promiscuity is far more respectable then ripping out hair extensions and rubbing someone’s toothbrush against a shit-filled toilet bowl. So congratulations to The Situation on his five million dollars, and please be sure not to squander your money on excessive GTL.
Mad Men Smoking Ban? — Isn’t This the 1960’s?
Desperate Housewives actress, Kathryn Joosten, has called for a smoking warning before the characters of Mad Men light a cigarette. Is this seriously necessary? If you don’t know that smoking is bad for you by now, then you don’t deserve a disclaimer. Have fun lighting up! Furthermore, the actors on the show are smoking herbal cigarettes, which don’t have nicotine or tobacco. John Hamm described them as “terrible,” saying they taste like a “mixture between pot and soap.” If the show is set in the 1960’s, and people smoked heavily in the 1960’s, then the characters are going to smoke. It’s a pretty simple formula. Altering the show to fit present-day standards is ridiculous.