Ashton Kutcher’s alleged mistress is selling a sex tape and it’s being promoted as “the girl who had sex with Ashton Kutcher.” Kutcher is suing, claiming that this “infringes on his celebrity value.” Allow me to put this lawyer thing to use and explain why Ashton Kutcher’s handling of this has become mighty suspicious. First, when he was initially accused of having an affair with this woman by Star Magazine, he threatened to sue for defamation — but he never did. The problem with suing for defamation is that in order for Kutcher to have a case, the accusation has to be false. So the fact that Kutcher never sued leads me to believe that the information is true, and he therefore knew he wouldn’t win. Got it? That brings me to my next point. A small part of me thought Kutcher didn’t sue because, despite his oodles of cash, he simply didn’t feel like it. After all, does anyone believe Star Magazine anyways? Why waste money on a frivolous lawsuit, right? But here’s where it gets suspicious. As soon as this girl released a sex tape claiming that she’s the person who had sex with Kutcher, he decided to sue. Why? I suspect it’s because he finally found a case he can win. He’s not suing for defamation, he’s suing for “using his celebrity name” to promote a product. It’s sort of a smart move that I don’t think anyone but myself would catch. He can win the lawsuit, and the suit lets the public think he’s finally standing up for himself. Just a theory though. I’ve asked my friend to write a guest post on defamation to explain this further, so we’ll see if I ever get it. Are you reading this, mystery friend?
A close friend of mine told me that he didn’t realize how bad he was in bed until he taped himself and his girlfriend having sex. “I thought it would be hot,” he said, “but it was really depressing.” Because of my nameless friend, I’ve decided to never tape myself having sex. Oh yeah — and I don’t want to see my gigantic ass on camera. Does anyone? Apparently, celebrities love making sex tapes, and they love taking naked cell phone pictures even more. So are they raging narcissists that are also too dumb to realize the possibility of either losing their phone, or pissing a man off enough to sell those pictures one day? You might want to ask Miley Cyrus next time you see her, because she’s the newest celebrity involved in a naked picture scandal. And this isn’t the first time. Not too long ago she took racy photographs of herself in the shower, which made its way on the internet for the entire world to see. What’s that quote? “Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, I’m an asshole.”