Beth Stern on Howard Stern’s Manhood: “It Keeps Me Happy”

I love Beth Stern. She’s adorable, and she’s obviously in love with Howard Stern considering she mirrors his rigorous radio schedule so they’re awake at the same time. But despite my affection, I couldn’t predict her hilarious response to the inquiry on her man’s manhood. Watch below to size-up her satisfaction.

Amy Schumer Debuts ‘Inside Amy Schumer’ — Male-Based Comedy?

If you’re going to get your own Comedy Central show, you better be funny. And though Amy Schumer gets extra points for her entry into the Howard Stern universe, her humor is outside my mandatory funny sphere. At some point, female comics began to talk like men, and then outwardly rejected that well-deserved criticism (see Norm Macdonald v. Whitney Cummings) as if it was a sexist observation. To be fair, sex-based comedy is an unoriginal choice for men too, and a joke about “cumming on a girl’s face” would exceed my tolerance level no matter what the gender (see the clip below). That being said, if these women would like to learn a thing or two about original female comedy, see Amy Poehler and Tina Fey — for starters.

Nick Lachey on Kim Kardashian Date: She Tipped Off the Paps

20130219-105017.jpgKim Kardashian certainly has her fair share of scorned lovers. First Nick Cannon admitted to Howard Stern that Kardashian lied to him about her sex tape, and now Nick Lachey revealed that Kardashian tipped off the paparazzi on their movie date. And let’s not forget the indefatigable HUMP that won’t go away. These revelations beg an important question: Has her fame train crashed?

Vintage Quote of the Day — Chris Rock Talks Chris Farley

“At the end of the sketch, the guy goes up to Farley and says, ‘You’re fat and disgusting.’ A lot of Farley’s problems were connected to the fact that he felt . . . ugly. That sketch kind of fed into that shit. I like Danny Devito. You know why I like Danny Devito? They never mention he’s short in any fucking movie. He’s like, ‘Fuck you. I’ll do your movie. Take this short shit out.’ There’s eight hundred things to make fun of. Why go to the obvious thing?” Chris Rock to Howard Stern, on why he hated Chris Farley’s most famous Chip & Dale’s sketch on Saturday Night Live.

James Franco Talks “Hatha-haters” on Howard Stern

I don’t know much about Anne Hathaway, but one thing seems certain — she’s humorless. When the world is criticizing you, the only way to squash that criticism is to self-deprecate and laugh, and she’s done neither. When James Franco addressed his Oscar hosting gig with Hathaway, word leaked that Hathaway was pissed, with what I can only believe are planted sources saying, “Anne would never air her dirty laundry in public and is intensely private. . . . It’s opened up old wounds, is totally unnecessary, and she’s fuming.” First of all, why is Anne Hathaway perfectly fine with laughing at Tina Fey’s Golden Globes’ joke about James Franco’s poor Oscar-hosting job, but she’s not okay with laughing at any jokes directed at her? Furthermore, you’d think the girl who hilariously poked fun at Claire Danes on SNL would also be able to poke fun at herself. My advice for Hathaway’s PR team is to have her host SNL again, get an award every five minutes and give cartoonish acceptance speeches. If Alec Baldwin can survive every dagger thrown in his direction, so can Anne Hathaway.

The Kardashian Ratings Tank — Is the Brand Damaged?

Kim and Kourtney Take MiamiFor years I’ve defended the Kardashians. Sure they don’t have discernible entertainment-related talent, given that they don’t sing, dance, act, host, or do stand-up comedy. But they’ve managed to market themselves to mainstream media on the heels of one pornographic sex tape, which has since been parlayed into clothing stores, fashion lines, fragrances, and a well-paid television show.  And that takes talent. In fact, I’d argue that the OJ Simpson trial, coupled with Bruce Jenner’s already existing media-name, is where it all began. With all the effort that went into building their empire, you’d think that the Kardashian Klan would be a little more careful about the brand that made them famous. Unfortunately, their actions as of late suggest otherwise, and their recent ratings-dip prove my point.

Kim Kardashian, arguably the most notorious sibling, has insisted that she’d like to step away from her sex-tape image, yet she continues to publish sexed-up photos on nearly every social media site (see duck face).  And though I was willing to let that slide, my disdain boiled over when the sister’s smelled each other’s private parts on ‘Kourtney & Kim Take Miami.’ When I saw the episode, I was most disappointed in E!, a network with desensitized executives who neglected to pull the plug on a bit that wouldn’t even pass Howard Stern’s smell test. And let’s not forget Kim’s vampire facial, which warrants a lot of words — but I’ll remove my profane-laced tirade and merely call it classless. As for the 72-day marriage, I won’t kick the girl while she’s down, but she made the choice to air every facet of her private life on national television, including walking around town in history’s most gaudy engagement ring, which made me fear for her life.

Kim’s pregnancy was a perfect opportunity to transition the Kardashian brand into something more mature, because all sex-pots have a shelf-life, and she’s approaching her expiration date. Instead, she’s struggling with maternity fashion, and insisting on wearing heels despite her ever-growing bump. I understand she wants to look good, but when you have your own fashion line — it’s best to be on-trend, and baby-bumps don’t go with heels. To be fair, I’ve heard through the Hollywood grape-vine that Kim Kardashian is incredibly kind and professional, and everyone loves to work with her. And in the land of The Dishmaster, that goes a long way. That being said, I will hold you accountable for your poor choices, and they’ve made some.

Howard Stern on Heidi Klum: “What Is This, The Supreme Court?”

For months Howard Stern has protested the addition of a fourth judge on America’s Got Talent, so die hard fans are dying to know his thoughts on Heidi Klum’s last minute addition to his panel. Watch below to see what the king of all media has to say.

Oprah Interviews Beyonce — Ass-Kissing Craziness

Howard Stern eloquently attacked the absurdity of Oprah’s ass-kissing Beyonce interview, and I will now take-part in the radio-titan’s tirade. Watch below to see Oprah so far up Beyonce’s ass she barely took a breath of air. I’d also like to add that it’s unnecessary to speak in lyric form when not song-writing, by using phrases such as, “She is fire.”

Beyoncé: “My Daughter Introduced Me to Myself”

Beyoncé on Finding Balance Between Her Public and Personal Lives

Brandi Glanville Reveals Real Housewife Salaries to Howard Stern — Find Out Now

Howard Stern asked Real Housewife of Beverly Hills star, Brandi Glanville, a series of profound questions, including whether she’s bi-sexual, whether Eddie cheated on LeAnn Rimes with her, and what Bravo pays her cast-mates Watch below to find out whether her fellow crazies have loads of cash.

Donald Trump Sues Bill Maher — Proved He’s Not a Monkey

Even though Donald Trump is my favorite Howard Stern guest in history, I will put my bias aside to admonish him for what I believe to be one of the most gratuitous lawsuits in history. Here’s the nutshell story: Bill Maher offered Trump $5 million to provide his birth certificate as proof that he’s not “the spawn of his mother having sex with an orangutan.” Trump coughed it up, and now he wants the money. The lawyer in me knows two things for sure. First, our country is litigious enough, and this is a poorly executed pissing match. And second, Maher’s joke was not a legitimate “offer.” Sure that’s my opinion, but I’m certain first year law students all over the country would welcome such an easy hypothetical in their contracts law class.