It's Not Gossip, It's Commentary
“When you have Sofia Vergara next to you to console you… you don’t care what the heck Jimmy Kimmel said.” New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, on whether he was offended by Jimmy Kimmel’s jokes about his weight at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner.
“I’m sending my rehearsal tape to ‘X Factor.’ I could be the next Steve Jones. Not as handsome but just as good. Literally!” The always funny ‘American Idol’ producer, Nigel Lythgoe, on having to fill in for the very ill Ryan Seacrest during American Idol dress rehearsals, and the possibility that he has a future as a host.
“I am the most successful radio personality of all time. I don’t say that to brag. I’m embarrassed to say that if I’m the best there is. But it’s the fact . . . . There’s nobody else who could do what I did. There’s no question who’s the most influential person in radio. It’s me! And there’s no one else! I’ve never seen so much jealously as I’ve seen in the radio industry. People cannot stand my success. Why shouldn’t I say it?” Howard Stern on one of his hilariously humble rants.
”The sign for tampon does seem to come up from both Johnny and Natalie, which causes some confusion, especially as American and British sign languages are different. It would have been nice if genuine deaf people had been used. But it’s still great.” The British Deaf Association, on their support for Paul McCartney’s new video despite the signing errors, one of which included an accidental reference to a tampon. |
“They are like this kaleidoscope of interesting thoughts and opinions. They teach you so many things about men that are useful.” “Like what?” our reporter asked. Klum paused, and then made the universal tounge-moving-rapidly-in-cheek motion that signifies blowies. She explained what she’s learned (off the record, of course), and our reporter said she discovered two things: 1) Everything sounds authoritative when said in a German accent, and 2) Seal was a lucky guy.” An excerpt of Heidi Klum’s interview with Allure Magazine, which confirmed the need for homosexuals in her life. As an aside, I too have a lot of gay friends, but unfortunately our conversations involved their unfulfilling sexual experiences with women, and it traumatized me for life.
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“Santorum has suspended his campaign! GINGRICH CACKLES FROM HIS MOON BASE. I will miss Santorum’s unique ability to hate gay men while simultaneously fearing liberated vaginas and the women that are attached to them. It’s like, THOSE ARE YOUR ONLY CHOICES, BRO. Nobody wants to be alone on a Saturday night with no one to appreciate your sweater vests and your endearing inability to understand that Jesus wasn’t mentioned in the Constitution.” James, Contributing Editor to The Dishmaster, on Rick Santorum’s decision to suspend his campaign.
“I carry McCormick’s Pure Vanilla [in my purse] — the baking kind — and dab it on my neck… Men are attracted to the scent! One time, I put it on and four different guys were like, ‘You smell amazing!'” Jennifer Love Hewitt on her secret to landing a man. As an aside, with this suggestion and her vajazzling, she must be amazing in bed.
