Christina’s Aguillera’s comeback album, Bionic, tanked in record sales, and the folks over at RCA think it has something to do with her not-so-relatable image. I would agree. Since entering the industry, Aguilera has always suffered from a major identity crisis. She started as a pop-tart-replica of Britney Spears, and then bashed the comparisons. After she got some footing in the industry, she went the complete opposite route, and released a very “dirty” album, which involved Aguilera’s near naked performances in chaps and mud (and a very entertaining Sarah Michelle Gellar SNL skit making fun of her). On that same album, she also had ballads which showed her vocal prowess but confused listeners. Is she supposed to be a trash-tastic Celine Dion? — I wondered at the time. She then cleaned off her image a bit, and started to insanely over-sing, to the point where she obliterated the melody of every single song. She had something to prove, and in the process, I became incredibly bored with the indulgent need to show-off. Now, years later, she changed course again. The Bionic album is the polar opposite of over-singing. It has a fun, dance vibe, and it’s nice to listen to in the shower. So why did it tank? Is it because other people enjoy the over-signing, and I am the minority? Is it because I’m wrong and the album is bad? Personally, I think it tanked because no one has any idea who Christina Aguilera is anymore, and we are all exhausted. Her identity crisis is responsible for the comparisons to other artists (such as Lady Gaga) — a comparison that she deplores. So here’s my advice — get with some people that can help tailor your image, don’t over-sing, and don’t release angry statements to the press about how you hate being compared to Lady Gaga.
Elisabeth Hasselbeck on Kathy Griffin: “She’s Scum”
The ladies of The View discussed Kathy Griffin’s joke about Scott Brown’s daughters being prostitutes and, true to form, Elizabeth Hasselbeck got her panties in a twist. Aside from the obvious points about how Hasselbeck has no sense of humor, she needs to be more professional. The ladies are supposed to be discussing “hot topics,” not “make-your-head-explode” topics. Hasselbeck’s hatred for Griffin is so intense that she’s practically yelling across the table. If you cannot be an adult, and remain calm while talking about things that bother you, get off the panel. Additionally, in response to the argument in question, Scott Brown invited that joke when he told the press his daughters are single (in his own feeble attempt at a joke). Furthermore, this whole “my children are off-limits” nonsense, refers to direct criticism, such as jabs at Chelsea Clinton’s appearance, or questioning Bristol Palin’s morals. This joke in no way directly attacked them. Oh yeah — did I mention that Hasselbeck needs to lighten up?
Jennifer Aniston is Naked — Gee, What a Shocker
Jennifer Aniston released new ads for her Lolavie fragrance and you guessed it — she’s naked! Must Jennifer Aniston remind the world that she has a great body every chance she gets? It reeks of desperation, it’s unnecessary, and it affirms my other posts about how women in the industry feel the need to overtly sexualize themselves to stay relevant. Just about every magazine cover I see with an actress these days involves nudity, and Jennifer Aniston is the biggest culprit. Remember her GQ cover where she was wearing just a tie? Apparently, the idea for the shoot was spontaneous. Aniston showed up ready to be fully dressed for the cover, and somehow all her clothes came off. Wow, I wonder whose idea that was. Did Meryl Streep ever do this in her hotness prime? Did she show up to shoot a magazine cover and say, “you know what would be really great? Let’s take all my clothes off and just give me suspenders to cover my nipples.”
Did Katy Perry Rip-Off Ke$ha?
Katy Perry’s song, California Gurls, sounds a lot like Ke$ha’s Tik Tok, and there’s a very clear reason for that. Both songs are produced by Dr. Luke and co-written by Benny Blanco. Top artists often use the same producers and song-writers, and overlaps are bound to occur. You might remember this same thing happening with Kelly Clarkson and Beyonce. Unlike Kelly Clarkson; however, Katy Perry gets it, and has yet to release a statement bashing her team. In case you missed the Clarkson tirade that I am referring to, she was pissed because Beyonce’s song, Halo, sounded too much like her single, Already Gone. Both songs were written by OneRepublic’s Ryan Tedder, and instead of understanding the inevitable similarities, Clarkson bashed Tedder in the press, saying that Tedder is responsible for people thinking that she ripped-off Beyonce, and that she wanted to remove the track altogether, but her label would not allow it. Tedder was furious with her tongue lashing, and subsequently said that the idea that he would try to dupe Beyonce and Clarkson into singing the same track is both “hurtful and absurd.” As for Beyonce, she never made a statement on the matter. Listen to the Tick Tok/California Gurls mash-up below.
Jersey Shore Cast Members Tell Mtv to Suck It
The cast of Jersey Shore might not be so dumb after all. They have all decided not to return to Jersey for the second half of Season 2, due to contract squabbles. Here’s what happened. Mtv decided to get pretty crafty and broke up Season 2 into two halves. The cast is arguing that the second half of Season 2 is actually Season 3 in disguise, and they deserve more money. Mtv was initially going to negotiate more money for the second half (being the nice guys that they are over there), but the cast will only negotiate as a group, and they refuse to take different salaries. Mtv wants individual deals, and so it’s war. Mtv basically said that they only agreed to renegotiate the second half out of kindness, so the cast is contractually bound to show up for work. If they don’t, legal gets involved. Isn’t this so much fun? Here’s what I know — Jersey Shore is the best thing that Mtv has had on its network in a very long time. So in the words of Tim Gunn, “make it work.”
Jessica Biel Eats Burgers — And I’m the President
Can actresses everywhere stop pretending that they can eat burgers and stay a size two? In a recent interview, the very in shape Jessica Biel discussed her workout routine, and added that she often messes up and eats burgers, french fries, and turkey chili. To be a leading lady in the industry, you have to appeal to both men and women, so it certainly doesn’t help to do interviews about how you eat burgers while running on the treadmill. Because we are very high-brow here at The Dishmaster, I’d like to ask an expert if it’s possible to eat such disgusting foods, and still look like Jessica Biel. So I turned to my gigantic ass, and it has confirmed that this is not possible. There you have it. My ass has spoken.
Bristol & Levi Got 100K From Us Weekly — SO WHAT
There has been a lot of criticism thrown at Us Weekly for paying for Bristol and Levi’s recent interview. Personally, I’ve never understood the problem with “checkbook journalism.” First, is an interview with Bristol and Levi really considered journalism? Second, if Us Weekly is going to make a pretty penny from an interview, shouldn’t the subject of that interview get a cut? The notion that tabloids have any level of integrity to uphold is also ridiculous. I think we should instead shift our attention to the publishing of invasive paparazzi pictures that endanger lives. At least Bristol and Levi got to control the pictures and the interview.
Best Looking Bald Actors
The news that Bruce Willis is being sued over returning a stained rug, got me thinking about beautiful bald men. I often see men holding onto the two remaining hairs on their head, and I think to myself — you look so ridiculous. Why not just shave it all off? So in an effort to convince all those men out there to go the distance, I am posting pictures of all the baldies-but-goodies in the industry. Enjoy!
Bruce Willis — Bruce is an excellent choice. He started shaving his head years ago, and he owns it. He once said on Letterman that he was nervous about the shape of his head, for fear that he’d discover upon shaving it that he’s actually a cone-head. Luckily for us, he looks great.
Jason Statham — He started in the industry with hair, and I think his bald head helps with the bad guy roles. I once saw Statham while shopping with my mother in a mall. My mother had no idea who he was, and said (in her very heavy Long Island accent), “Well, I don’t care who he is, he isn’t carrying his girlfriend’s bags. That poor girl is carrying all of his shopping bags and he is not holding anything.” And there you have it. He may be a great looking guy, but my mother doesn’t approve.
Taye Diggs — I’ve loved Taye Diggs ever since he starred in ‘How Stella Got her Groove Back.’ He also appeared on Broadway in ‘Rent,’ and he’s now on ‘Private Practice.’ Let’s hope we see him next on ‘Glee.’
Ed Harris — He is the quintessential bald man that everyone cites as an example of sexiness. Remember when Charlotte described Stanford to Marcus as an “Ed Harris lookalike” on ‘Sex and the City’? It’s like he was born to be bald.
Joey Lawrence — I debated choosing Joey Lawrence because something about his demeanor reeks of arrogance. He made the cut though, because his baldness is by choice. He shaved his head for a role and then decided he liked it. Plus, he was on ‘Blossom,’ which is one of my all-time favorite shows.
Michael Chiklis — I’ve chosen Chiklis not only because he’s sexy, but also because he’s a nice guy. You would never guess that the guy from ‘The Commish’ is the same guy from ‘The Shield.’ It’s the bald head that did the trick.
Where Is Pippi Longstocking Now?
For some reason the Punky Brewster theme song in my previous post got me wondering what happened to Tami Erin, from ‘The New Adventures of Pippi Longstocking.’ I confess that I’m pretty superficial, so my biggest concern in looking her up, was how she aged. Pippi Longstocking still has to be a cute girl, right? I have good news and bad news. The good news is, as you can see from the picture on the right, Pippi still looks great. The bad news is, I found an interview with her, and she is pretty darn annoying. I often get perturbed when actors ignore the roles that made them famous (hear that Jan Brady?). But I’ve amended my complaint to account for actors that get excessively amped about the roles that made them famous. In just about every Tami Erin interview that I saw, she mentions her Pippi role about five hundred times. She even launched a “Pippi inspired” clothing line. Watch an interview below to see the very humble Pippi spout a twenty page resume in just under three minutes. It’s pretty impressive.
Update: It turns out TMZ was also interested in Pippi’s whereabouts. While most people try to escape TMZ, if you watched the first interview, I think you can guess how she reacted.
Best Television Show Theme Songs
I was watching re-runs of Mary Tyler Moore, and it made me realize that they just don’t make television theme songs the way they used to. In fact, most shows today forgo a theme song altogether. As a tribute to the good-old-days of television, I’m posting the best theme songs of all time. Prepare yourself for a nostalgia overload.
Growing Pains — Steve Dorff & John Bettis — “As Long as We Got Each Other”
Cheers — Gary Portnoy & Judy Hart Angelo — “Where Everybody Knows Your Name”
The Golden Girls — Written by Andrew Gold, Covered by Cindy Fee — “Thank You For Being a Friend”
Welcome Back Kotter — John Sebastian
The Wonder Years — Joe Cocker Cover of Beatles Song — “With a Little Help From My Friends”
Laverne & Shirley — Norman Gimbel & Charles Fox — “Making Our Dreams Come True”
Mr. Ed — Jay Livingston & Ray Evans
Fresh Prince of Bel Air — Will Smith and Quincy Jones III
Charles in Charge — David Kurtz, Michael Jacobs, Al Burton & performed by Shandi Sinnamon
The Jeffersons — Ja’net Du Bois & Jeff Barry — “Movin’ On Up”
Punky Brewster — Gary Portnoy & Judy Hart Angelo — “Every Time I Turn Around”
Mary Tyler Moore — Paul Williams — “Love is All Around”
For more that I did not cover, go to Paste Magazine