Dear Celebrities Everywhere — Fire Your “People”

There’s a big secret in Hollywood that many outside Tinseltown don’t know. When you hear about a celebrity being an asshole, it’s usually their handlers that are assholes, and the celebrity gets blamed. I went to a party last night and I tried to score a picture with an A-lister (whose name I won’t mention). This is something I never do, but because the event warranted picture-taking, it seemed fine to ask. He was surrounded by his handlers, who told me that he wasn’t taking any pictures. I found that suspicious, and I told them that I’ve heard through the Hollywood grapevine that he’s the nicest guy in the business, and I’m certain he wouldn’t mind. They still said no, until I dropped some names, which peaked their interest. They assured me they’d ask. I then noticed that they were instead escorting him out of the event altogether. I was snowed. I’m less annoyed that I didn’t get my coveted picture, and more annoyed by his handlers. Unfortunately, this isn’t my first experience with this type of thing. I once tried to get Brad Pitt to speak at an event I was hosting. Without getting into details, I was certain he’d be interested. I went through the proper protocol by first contacting his publicist. She wrote me back “no” within seconds, making it clear that she never even asked him. I was therefore forced to call in reinforcements, and I used connections to actually get the invitation to Pitt. It turns out he would have said yes, but his shooting schedule overlapped. And there you have it.  I’m sure Pitt still has that publicist.  George Clooney once discussed this issue, admitting in an interview that he’s had to fire people in his camp, because they act like assholes while throwing his name around. That’s probably why Clooney has managed to uphold his nice-guy reputation. I’m told through the rumor mill that Christopher Walken is the only celebrity that specifically instructs his “people” to extend every single offer his way (which includes student films). I’m sure that’s how he ended up in that Fat Boy Slim video. As a tribute to Christopher Walken, who I think consistently gets it right, I’ve posted the Fat Boy Slim video below.

Celebrities that Reveal Too Much About Their Relationship

Many celebrities love to talk about their relationships in the press, presumably because if your significant other is famous, it’s two for the price of one, which basically guarantees a tabloid mention.  Below are a list of culprits.

Vanessa Minnillo & Nick Lachey — In a recent interview with Parade Magazine Vanessa Minnillo said that she and Nick Lachey shower together twice a day, because they like to talk while they are “soaping up and doing their hair.”  Call me a killjoy, but is there anything interesting about the thought of these two gossiping in the shower like school-girls? Some things are better kept in the relationship vault.

Hilary Swank — Hilary Swank exposed Chad Lowe’s drug addiction to Vanity Fair after they divorced. Lowe wasn’t pleased with her disclosure, saying he was “disappointed that the details of [his] relationship became public.” But that wasn’t the first time Swank revealed unnecessary relationship details. When discussing her new boyfriend, she said that she often walks around naked in front of his six year old son. Perhaps she can join Nick and Vanessa in the shower.

Angelina Jolie — You would think that Angelina Jolie learned her lesson after carrying around Billy Bob Thornton’s vile of blood. Though she’s tempered the crazy, she still discusses her relationship in the press. Her most abhorrent disclosure involves Brad Pitt, when she said she would love for her children to watch Mr. and Mrs. Smith because, “not a lot of people get to see a movie where their parents fell in love.” The problem? — Pitt was married to Jennifer Aniston during the filming of Mr. and Mrs. Smith, and Aniston was unaware of their connection. Aniston later said that it was “completely uncool” for Angelina to discuss it, and then retracted her statement after it caused a press frenzy.

Leann Rimes — Leann Rimes and Eddie Cibrian cheated on their spouses with each other, and both enjoy publicizing their relationship on twitter. Why? — Because if you’re going to cheat on your husband or wife, why not rub it in?

Celebrity Couples — Who Started the Combined-Name Monikers?

Almost every celebrity magazine I read refers to Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie as “Brangelina.”  So it got me thinking — where did these combination nicknames come from and who can I send a bouquet of flowers?  The unlikely culprit is Dogma director Kevin Smith.  It all started with a little couple known as “Bennifer.” Kevin Smith directed Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck in the box office flop, Jersey Girl, and he used the nickname in reference to his terrible time with the couple.  He said in an interview that he’s “learned absolutely nothing [in his career], except to never work with ‘Bennifer’ again.”  He later described it as his “worst on-set experience.”  To be fair, Smith isn’t the only person to blame.  It was Chris Rock who turned his comment into the monster that it became.  While hosting the Mtv Movie Awards, Rock used the nickname again, and the subsequent snowball effect couldn’t be stopped.  So there you have it.  And as a tribute to the best celebrity-couple nicknames of all time, I’ve posted a list below.  Enjoy.

  • TomKat (Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes)
  • Brangelina (Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie)
  • Billary (Bill Clinton and Hillary Clinton)
  • Desilu (Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz)
  • Filliam H. Muffman (Felicity Huffman and William H. Macy — Thanks to Stephen Colbert)
  • Bennifer 2.0 (Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner)

Hot Jews In the Industry – Why Not?

While I was day dreaming about Robert Downey Jr., I found myself wondering if I could take him home to my mother.  The first question that popped into my head was — is he Jewish?  So I looked it up and it turns out that he is not “technically” Jewish, but he does have a little Jew in him from his father’s side.  Good enough for me (but probably not my mom).  Anyways, my daydreams got me thinking about hot Jews in the industry, so I decided to make a list.  I sadly have to admit that they were hard to find.  Enjoy below!

This news made me very happy.  Harry Connick Jr. can sing to me, and I can take him home to mom.  What a combination!

I don’t think it matters much to Jake Gyllenhaal whether he marries a Jewish girl, given that both Reese Witherspoon and Kirsten Dunst are non-Jews. Perhaps he just has a thing for blonds. If so, I’m out of the running.

Zac Efron just doesn’t do it for me (because I’m not a cradle robber?), but he seems to be very popular with the ladies, so I’ve added him.

I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again. Joseph Gordon-Levitt is the next Brad Pitt. With the exception of fasting on Yom Kippur, that is.

Craig Bierko was on two of my favorite shows. He was Ally McBeal’s suitor, and he was also “Jazz Man” on Sex and the City. I recently asked Mr. Bierko on twitter if giving Carrie Bradshaw the “most intense orgasm of her life,” has created unreasonably high expectations from the ladies — no response yet.  (I apologize to the man on the left of this picture, I simply couldn’t find another shot).

I love me a silver fox.  Harrison Ford’s ancestors and my ancestors actually immigrated from the same place in Europe.  Perhaps we’re related.  On second thought — that would make this post kind of creepy.

Top Quotes: The Celebrity Scorned Lover

There’s nothing like a good old fashioned dig from a scorned lover.  In honor of July 4th weekend, I have compiled a list of some personal favorites.  Grab some popcorn and enjoy!

Laura Dern on Billy Bob Thornton leaving her for Angelina Jolie:

“I left our home to go and make a movie, and while I was away my boyfriend got married, and I never heard from him again.”

Nicole Kidman on her divorce from Tom Cruise:

“Now I can wear high heels.”

Brittany Murphy on Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore (R.I.P. Brit):

“I suppose the crux of their relationship basically means to him that age doesn’t matter and to her that size doesn’t matter.”

Jennifer Aniston on Brad Pitt’s W Magazine photo-shoot with Angelina Jolie

“There’s a sensitivity chip that’s missing.”

Dennis Quaid on Meg Ryan’s affair with Russell Crowe:

“I think Russell did Meg and I a favor.”

Michael Douglas on ex-wife Diandra Douglas’ parenting skills:

She was a “young mother without any parenting skills handed down from her parents.”

Emma Thompson on the prospect of having a baby with her then husband Kenneth Branagh (who supposedly left Thompson for Helena Bonham Carter)

“Ken is so tired, his sperm are on crutches.”

Tate Donovan on why he and  Jennifer Aniston broke up:

“She likes top-notch hotels and luxury, and I like bed and breakfasts and riding my bike.”

Keifer Sutherland on his best friend, Jason Patric, never confessing his love for Sutherland’s then fiance, Julia Roberts (who left Sutherland three days before the wedding and went to Europe with Patric).

‘I’m surprised that I never got a call from him saying I’ve fallen in love da-da-da. Instead, I found out from a stranger.’

Jason Patric on his breakup with Julia Roberts

“I knew (dating her) would be trouble.  But I think sometimes people walk into their own nightmare maybe not so consciously.  This was a person who very much put herself in the public eye, and the public life. I think everyone has a right to privacy, but once you use your personal life to advance your fame, you really don’t have the right to say no to (the press).”

Joseph Gordon-Levitt May Play the Riddler in ‘Batman’ – On His Way to Super Stardom

Christopher Nolan is reportedly strongly eyeing Joseph Gordon-Levitt to play the Riddler in the next ‘Batman’ film.  With this news, I am going to engage in some good old-fashioned tooting of my own horn. Since seeing the film ‘Brick,’ I’ve been telling everyone that Joseph Gordon-Levitt is the next Brad Pitt. Many of my friends scoff at this comparison, but  the attention he garnered from ‘500 Days of Summer’ convinced me that this isn’t so far fetched after all. He is not the “character” actor that many have suggested, and getting the role in ‘Batman’ will solidify his box-office star status. When it turns out that I am right about this, brace yourself because I will surely remind you daily.