Author: The Dishmaster

Denis Leary Insults Dick Clark — Heartless Prick?

If you don’t know Denis Leary, he’s the guy who’s accused of ripping off the late comedian Bill Hicks’ entire act. He’s also the guy who can’t wait a week to make a joke about the legendary Dick Clark’s death, tweeting, “With Dick Clark dead, Casey Kasem now reveling in his status as last and reigning king of leather faced syrup voiced lizard people.” Perhaps it’s time to either fire the guy writing his tweets or hire a guy to write them.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Rihanna Deletes Coachella Photo Amidst Drug Accusations

While some might consider Coachella a music festival, it’s really just an excuse for douchey celebrities to pretend they’re cool by wearing ridiculous outfits with really big sunglasses. One such celebrity is Rihanna, who posted a picture of herself cutting up powder on her bodyguard’s head. When she received a predictable backlash for the drug implications, she deleted the picture and wrote an unexplained message, saying, “PATHETIC C*NTZ.” Right, cause that’s cool. Good job, Rihanna. Perhaps you should post more pictures of your gun tattoo also. It’s good for the kids.

Alexa Chung Deletes Instagram — Too Sensitive?

If there’s anything I’ve learned from blogging, it’s that only the negative people speak up. For whatever reason, when someone is pleased, they just don’t tell you unless you ask. In fact, my own father recently said, “Just assume I love everything you write unless I tell you otherwise.” So what’s my point? Alexa Chung needs to understand that the nature of the internet breeds negative commentary, and then she will perhaps make her account public again Instagram account, despite the endless, mean-spirited attacks she received from commenters who think she’s “too thin.”

Quote of the Day: Heidi Klum’s Gay Friends’ Sexual Advice

“They are like this kaleidoscope of interesting thoughts and opinions. They teach you so many things about men that are useful.” “Like what?” our reporter asked. Klum paused, and then made the universal tounge-moving-rapidly-in-cheek motion that signifies blowies. She explained what she’s learned (off the record, of course), and our reporter said she discovered two things: 1) Everything sounds authoritative when said in a German accent, and 2) Seal was a lucky guy.” An excerpt of Heidi Klum’s interview with Allure Magazine, which confirmed the need for homosexuals in her life. As an aside, I too have a lot of gay friends, but unfortunately our conversations involved their unfulfilling sexual experiences with women, and it traumatized me for life.

Sharon Osbourne on Simon Cowell: “He Has Small Penis Syndrome”

You can call Sharon Osbourne a lot of things, but you can’t call her dishonest. She’s not afraid to speak her mind, which is refreshing in an industry where everyone bites their tongue. Her recent celebrity feud involves Simon Cowell, who Osbourne is angry at for bringing her name into his auto-biography, and for implying that she left X Factor because of Simon’s romantic relationship with Dannii Minogue. According to Osbourne, she left simply because she didn’t like living in England and she certainly didn’t like Minogue. The interesting thing about Osbourne’s attack on Cowell is that she still works for his show, America’s Got Talent. Translation? She some serious chutzpah (also know as “f*ck-you money”). Watch her address what she believes to be Cowell’s “small penis syndrome” and take a note of Julie Chen’s hilarious reaction.

Paul McCartney Debuts “My Valentine” Video — Beautiful

I never take for granted that we still have a living Beatle who is producing great music. And in addition to his great music, he’s also adept enough at today’s generation to know how to produce a great music video, and to know how to promote it in a way that garners the attention it deserves. In fact, a large part of that is owed to his daughter, Stella McCartney, who hosted a premiere of his “My Valentine” video at her Stella McCartney boutique. When asked about the idea for the video, McCartney said:

“I wasn’t sure that I wanted to do the big, million dollar music video thing. Stella suggested that I do something really simple. ‘You know Natalie,’ she said. ‘Ring Natalie up and just ask her if she will sign to your song.‘ She agreed and then I realized that I needed [another person] so I asked Johnny and he was kind enough to agree to do it. A week after Stella had mentioned the idea, I was back here in L.A. filming it with the great cinematographer Wally Pfister [Inception, The Dark Knight]. […] Also, I must just point out also that Johnny is really playing the guitar solo. That’s him playing. The boy is good.”

Thank you, Paul for showing that music can still be simple and beautiful. Watch the video below.

Howard Stern’s Sirius Lawsuit Dismissed

Howard Stern might be the only guy in history to sue his employer during his employment and still manage to produce amazing content. And speaking of amazing content, I can only guess that his anger over having his lawsuit dismissed will only facilitate his coveted on-air outrage. Stern sued Sirius XM for $350 million after the two companies merged, claiming that his original contract with Sirius guaranteed him stock awards based on an increase subscriber numbers. Sirius XM argued that the XM subscribers don’t count toward the numbers, because Stern’s contract guaranteed him stock awards based only on an increase in Sirius subscribers. Stern countered that Sirius would not be in a position to merge if not for him, and if the merger made Sirius XM one company then he is owed money based on the increase in subscribers to that one company. But the Judge disagreed, saying, “While it may be true that Stern and Buchwald hoped and expected to reap the benefits from any significant growth that Sirius experienced after they entered into the agreement, that subjective expectation cannot suffice to override the clear, unambiguous language of the agreement.” Though I understand Stern’s argument, there’s a very important lesson to be learned here. If you ever join a company, make sure you contract accounts for a merger. Judges rule based on the law, not fairness.

Lisa Lampanelli v. Dayana Mendoza — Lampanelli is a Vicious Bully

Lisa Lampanelli’s behavior on Celebrity Apprentice placed her on my Dishmaster shit-list, and her despicable attacks on Dayana Mendoza during Sunday’s episode solidified that status for eternity. I actually think Lampanelli is a bigot, and the language barrier between her and Mendoza is what breeds Lampanelli’s assertions that Mendoza is “stupid.” Translation? — She’s vicious, and it’s unacceptable. I’m shocked that no one told-off Lampanelli in the clip below. In fact, I think she needs medication.