UPDATE: Angelina Jolie can laugh after all. Click here
Want to know how to get your irrelevant name back in the press? Insult an A-lister, of course. Joan Collins told the Daily Mail that while Jennifer Aniston is “cute,” she’s certainly no Ava Gardner or Lana Turner. She also cited Angelina Jolie as the only beautiful actress of today’s generation. First of all, I’d like to see the interviewer’s question to prove that Collins gratuitously insulted Aniston to get attention in the media. I would like to also point out that many of the stars that Collins mentioned were deliberately glammed up beyond recognition because that was the style of the time. Strip off their makeup and slap them in a pair of jeans, and I doubt you’d be singing the same tune. Second, Jennifer Aniston is damn beautiful. I won’t compare her beauty to that of Angelina, because their celebrity triangle needs to die — I’m sick of it. Third, lay-off Jennifer Aniston. Hasn’t the girl been abused enough in the press?
UPDATE: Jennifer Aniston’s camp responded to this by saying there is “no need to engage with this nonsense.”
Vanessa Minnillo & Nick Lachey — In a recent interview with Parade Magazine Vanessa Minnillo said that she and Nick Lachey shower together twice a day, because they like to talk while they are “soaping up and doing their hair.” Call me a killjoy, but is there anything interesting about the thought of these two gossiping in the shower like school-girls? Some things are better kept in the relationship vault.
Hilary Swank — Hilary Swank exposed Chad Lowe’s drug addiction to Vanity Fair after they divorced. Lowe wasn’t pleased with her disclosure, saying he was “disappointed that the details of [his] relationship became public.” But that wasn’t the first time Swank revealed unnecessary relationship details. When discussing her new boyfriend, she said that she often walks around naked in front of his six year old son. Perhaps she can join Nick and Vanessa in the shower.
Angelina Jolie — You would think that Angelina Jolie learned her lesson after carrying around Billy Bob Thornton’s vile of blood. Though she’s tempered the crazy, she still discusses her relationship in the press. Her most abhorrent disclosure involves Brad Pitt, when she said she would love for her children to watch Mr. and Mrs. Smith because, “not a lot of people get to see a movie where their parents fell in love.” The problem? — Pitt was married to Jennifer Aniston during the filming of Mr. and Mrs. Smith, and Aniston was unaware of their connection. Aniston later said that it was “completely uncool” for Angelina to discuss it, and then retracted her statement after it caused a press frenzy.
Leann Rimes — Leann Rimes and Eddie Cibrian cheated on their spouses with each other, and both enjoy publicizing their relationship on twitter. Why? — Because if you’re going to cheat on your husband or wife, why not rub it in?
BILL CLINTON — I have already had the honor of meeting President Clinton, but I’d like another shot. When we met, he politely tried to engage me in conversation, and I froze like a fish stick in my freezer. At the end of my excessive nodding and smiling, President Clinton said, “it was very nice meeting you,” and I replied, “me too.” That doesn’t even make sense! Perhaps with coffee in hand it might go better next time around. I sure do have a lot of questions.
PAUL McCARTNEY — McCartney has always been my favorite Beatle. He never tires of discussing The Beatles, and his live shows are still just as great as they always were. Even though he’s already been asked every great question under the sun, I’d like to think I have some new ones. Plus, I’d like to hang out with the guy.
BRIAN WILSON — I’ve seen Brian Wilson around Los Angeles, and I always wanted to walk right up to him to tell him how much I liked his album, Smile, and then ask, “don’t you want to strangle Mike Love?” I haven’t had the guts as of yet. Plus, I might ask to go into a recording studio with him — just to watch a genius at work.
DAVID LETTERMAN — He’s always been my favorite late night host, and with every page I read from The Late Shift, I find myself loving him even more. I’d have coffee with Letterman under the condition that he answer all my hard-hitting questions about Jay Leno. He’s made his dislike very clear, but he’s never answered detailed questions about what went down when Carson left. I would promise not to ask about his affairs though, because that’s nowhere near as interesting as the late night feud. Actually, this is my fantasy, so I can just ask about both. We’ll have to order a lot of coffee.
HOWARD STERN — Howard Stern and I are kindred spirits. He grew up with a domineering Jewish mother from Long Island, New York, and he is excessively neurotic. His greatest strength is interviewing, but he has yet to answer the hard-hitting questions that he asks his guests daily. He’s never really discussed the breakdown of his marriage, despite him discussing just about everything else on “The History of Howard Stern.” When he initially divorced, his ratings suffered, yet he’s never brought it up in the context of the show. I am confident I could get it out of him. If you don’t like Howard Stern, I would encourage you to listen to his show. Whenever I hear someone bash him, it’s clear they are regurgitating media crud, instead of actually giving an informed opinion. He’s fantastic.
JUDD HIRSCH — Judd is one of my all-time favorite actors. His most notable role is on Taxi, which I grew up watching on Nick at Nite. I fantasized about being a Taxi driver, and when I told my father, he wasn’t pleased. I also saw Judd Hirsch in Art, where he was just as good as his Taxi days. I thought of the many actors I could have picked for this post, and I just can’t think of anyone more interesting then Judd Hirsch.
BARBARA WALTERS — There’s no one else that I wanted to emulate more than Barbara Walters. I wanted to do interviews, and she’s the master. She once interviewed Angelina Jolie after her Billy Bob Thornton divorce, and when Walters asked Angelina what went wrong, Angelina said that “there are two people involved, and there are things I can’t say out of respect for the other person.” Barbara didn’t miss a beat, and said, “tell me what you can say.” Angelina then unloaded. No other interviewer could have been so crafty. In my fantasy, it’s me doing the interviewing, and Babs is the one crying. She’ll then give me all her interviewing secrets, and ABC will hire me to do their Oscar specials since the slot is now open.
LORNE MICHAELS — Lorne Michaels is the Tony Soprano of comedy. All comedians dream of appearing on Saturday Night Live, and the decision starts and ends with Lorne Michaels. He’s been known to randomly fire people, presumably because he no longer thinks they’re funny. The guy even fired Adam Sandler from the show, with no explanation. Lorne is also the guy that suggested Conan O’Brien to take over for David Letterman, after Letterman left for CBS. He can clearly spot talent. So why does he make my list? Because I want to gossip with him about every single person that appeared on Saturday Night Live. What’s the dirt, Lorne?
That’s it for now. I’m sure I’ll update this list as time passes. If any reader out there knows any of these people, and would like to forward this along, be my guest. I’ll buy you a coffee for the hookup.
Angelina Jolie was voted one of the top 10 action heroes of all time, and she was the only woman to make the list. There are many things in this world that I don’t know, but there are at least two things that I know for sure. First, I could kick Jayden Smith’s ass. And second, I could kick Angelina Jolie’s ass. I took martial arts for a full month, and I often get winded walking up hills — but I stand firm in my assertion. How do I know? Well, Jayden Smith is a child, and Angelina Jolie is the size of a tooth pick. Don’t action heroes have to have visible biceps (and miniature ones don’t count)? You might be asking why I’ve even mentioned Jayden Smith in this post, considering its pretty irrelevant. Well, I like to arbitrarily pick on little children. Alright, perhaps I’m being too mean. But just to drive home my point, I’ve attached a picture of Arnold Schwarzenegger, who I like to call, the “last action hero” (pun intended). I hope that clears things up.
Almost every celebrity magazine I read refers to Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie as “Brangelina.” So it got me thinking — where did these combination nicknames come from and who can I send a bouquet of flowers? The unlikely culprit is Dogma director Kevin Smith. It all started with a little couple known as “Bennifer.” Kevin Smith directed Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck in the box office flop, Jersey Girl, and he used the nickname in reference to his terrible time with the couple. He said in an interview that he’s “learned absolutely nothing [in his career], except to never work with ‘Bennifer’ again.” He later described it as his “worst on-set experience.” To be fair, Smith isn’t the only person to blame. It was Chris Rock who turned his comment into the monster that it became. While hosting the Mtv Movie Awards, Rock used the nickname again, and the subsequent snowball effect couldn’t be stopped. So there you have it. And as a tribute to the best celebrity-couple nicknames of all time, I’ve posted a list below. Enjoy.
- TomKat (Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes)
- Brangelina (Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie)
- Billary (Bill Clinton and Hillary Clinton)
- Desilu (Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz)
- Filliam H. Muffman (Felicity Huffman and William H. Macy — Thanks to Stephen Colbert)
- Bennifer 2.0 (Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner)
The latest issue of Us Weekly has another Jennifer/Angelina faux feud, and I’m going to burn it in a bonfire behind my house. Actually, I don’t know how to start a fire, so nevermind. I’ll just use The Dishmaster as a forum to vent my anger. Do you think the folks over at Us Weekly have a list of back-up covers in case they hit tabloid writer’s block? Maybe the editor-in-chief says, “since Jennifer Aniston probably still hates Angelina Jolie — lets just print that one again! Great idea!” While I’m sure that Jennifer Aniston carries an Angelina voodoo doll in her purse, I’m certainly done hearing about it. How many times can you tell the same story? Boy marries girl-next-door, boy shoots movie with sultry vixen, boy cheats on girl, girl is devastated for life. And there you have it. That reminds me — I’ve gotta go read Us Weekly.
Laura Dern on Billy Bob Thornton leaving her for Angelina Jolie:
“I left our home to go and make a movie, and while I was away my boyfriend got married, and I never heard from him again.”
Nicole Kidman on her divorce from Tom Cruise:
“Now I can wear high heels.”
Brittany Murphy on Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore (R.I.P. Brit):
“I suppose the crux of their relationship basically means to him that age doesn’t matter and to her that size doesn’t matter.”
Jennifer Aniston on Brad Pitt’s W Magazine photo-shoot with Angelina Jolie
“There’s a sensitivity chip that’s missing.”
Dennis Quaid on Meg Ryan’s affair with Russell Crowe:
“I think Russell did Meg and I a favor.”
Michael Douglas on ex-wife Diandra Douglas’ parenting skills:
She was a “young mother without any parenting skills handed down from her parents.”
Emma Thompson on the prospect of having a baby with her then husband Kenneth Branagh (who supposedly left Thompson for Helena Bonham Carter)
“Ken is so tired, his sperm are on crutches.”
Tate Donovan on why he and Jennifer Aniston broke up:
“She likes top-notch hotels and luxury, and I like bed and breakfasts and riding my bike.”
Keifer Sutherland on his best friend, Jason Patric, never confessing his love for Sutherland’s then fiance, Julia Roberts (who left Sutherland three days before the wedding and went to Europe with Patric).
‘I’m surprised that I never got a call from him saying I’ve fallen in love da-da-da. Instead, I found out from a stranger.’
Jason Patric on his breakup with Julia Roberts
“I knew (dating her) would be trouble. But I think sometimes people walk into their own nightmare maybe not so consciously. This was a person who very much put herself in the public eye, and the public life. I think everyone has a right to privacy, but once you use your personal life to advance your fame, you really don’t have the right to say no to (the press).”