Jennifer Aniston Says “Retard” — Calm Down People

I’ve just begun to write about this story, and I’m already exhausted.  Jennifer Aniston referred to herself as a “retard,” causing a ridiculous public outcry.  I’d like to take a moment to explain the difference between the “r-word” and the “n-word,” because people seem to confuse the impact of each.  The word “retard” used to be an accepted, politically correct term that was not offensive.  In fact, the Association of Retarded Citizens, still goes by the name “ARC,” because they did not want to confuse people by changing the name after the term became offensive.  That is much different from the “n-word,” which was never socially acceptable and comes with a very painful American history.  Furthermore, I’m confused about the actual source of this “outrage.”  Is the problem that she used a word people no longer like, or that she made light of mental issues?  Do people even know what they are mad about?  What if she instead said, “Yes, I play dress-up! I do it for a living, like a mentally-challenged person!”  Would that have been acceptable?  The only reason the word retard even became offensive is because people were making fun of others using the word.  So if school-yard bullies started making fun of nerds by saying, “You’re a mentally challenged person,” would we then ban saying “mentally-challenged?”  I’m guessing so.  This reminds me of when it used to be horrible to say that someone is “black,” and “African American” became the acceptable term.  Many of my black friends protested, telling me they weren’t fucking African, and my Haitian friend corrected everyone who said it.  I suppose if my Haitian friend is “African,” then I am Israeli.  But I digress.

Bill O’Reilly Attacks Jennifer Aniston — Slow “News” Day?

Bill O’Reilly attacked Jennifer Aniston for saying that women don’t necessarily need a man to have a baby.  Is this “news” now?  I wasn’t aware that Fox News became Entertainment Tonight, nor was I aware that Jennifer Aniston’s press tour for The Switch, would result in her every word being picked apart by Bill O’Reilly, who is apparently against single-parent adoption, judging by his comments.  I’d surmise that he’s also against gay adoption, given that he is so “traditional,” but since I don’t take the time to regularly watch his show, that’s merely a conjecture based on my douche barometer.  Maybe O’Reilly and Aniston can kiss and make-up with a loofa.  (If you don’t get that reference, I’m not explaining it — it’s far too gross for details).

Jennifer Aniston Poses as Barbra Streisand — And She’s Not Naked!

Because I always pick on Jennifer Aniston for her incessant need to pose naked, I’ve decided that it’s only fair to give her credit when she does something right.  Aniston posed as Barbra Streisand for Harper’s Bazaar, and the similarities are striking.  Who says that a Goy can’t play Jew?  Finally, a little creativity in a photo-shoot, which does not involve laying on the sand naked, with nothing on but a blanket.  I would also like to give Aniston credit for choosing Barbra Streisand to copy, instead of the over-used Marilyn Monroe.  Kudos for a job well done! To see the pictures, click here.

Angelina Jolie v. Jennifer Aniston — I’m Over It!

The latest issue of Us Weekly has another Jennifer/Angelina faux feud, and I’m going to burn it in a bonfire behind my house.  Actually, I don’t know how to start a fire, so nevermind.  I’ll just use The Dishmaster as a forum to vent my anger.  Do you think the folks over at Us Weekly have a list of back-up covers in case they hit tabloid writer’s block?  Maybe the editor-in-chief says, “since Jennifer Aniston probably still hates Angelina Jolie — lets just print that one again!  Great idea!”  While I’m sure that Jennifer Aniston carries an Angelina voodoo doll in her purse, I’m certainly done hearing about it.  How many times can you tell the same story?  Boy marries girl-next-door, boy shoots movie with sultry vixen, boy cheats on girl, girl is devastated for life.  And there you have it. That reminds me — I’ve gotta go read Us Weekly.

Jennifer Aniston is Naked — Gee, What a Shocker

Jennifer Aniston released new ads for her Lolavie fragrance and you guessed it — she’s naked! Must Jennifer Aniston remind the world that she has a great body every chance she gets?  It reeks of desperation, it’s unnecessary, and it affirms my other posts about how women in the industry feel the need to overtly sexualize themselves to stay relevant.  Just about every magazine cover I see with an actress these days involves nudity, and Jennifer Aniston is the biggest culprit. Remember her GQ cover where she was wearing just a tie?  Apparently, the idea for the shoot was spontaneous. Aniston showed up ready to be fully dressed for the cover, and somehow all her clothes came off.  Wow, I wonder whose idea that was.  Did Meryl Streep ever do this in her hotness prime?  Did she show up to shoot a magazine cover and say, “you know what would be really great?  Let’s take all my clothes off and just give me suspenders to cover my nipples.”

Top Quotes: The Celebrity Scorned Lover

There’s nothing like a good old fashioned dig from a scorned lover.  In honor of July 4th weekend, I have compiled a list of some personal favorites.  Grab some popcorn and enjoy!

Laura Dern on Billy Bob Thornton leaving her for Angelina Jolie:

“I left our home to go and make a movie, and while I was away my boyfriend got married, and I never heard from him again.”

Nicole Kidman on her divorce from Tom Cruise:

“Now I can wear high heels.”

Brittany Murphy on Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore (R.I.P. Brit):

“I suppose the crux of their relationship basically means to him that age doesn’t matter and to her that size doesn’t matter.”

Jennifer Aniston on Brad Pitt’s W Magazine photo-shoot with Angelina Jolie

“There’s a sensitivity chip that’s missing.”

Dennis Quaid on Meg Ryan’s affair with Russell Crowe:

“I think Russell did Meg and I a favor.”

Michael Douglas on ex-wife Diandra Douglas’ parenting skills:

She was a “young mother without any parenting skills handed down from her parents.”

Emma Thompson on the prospect of having a baby with her then husband Kenneth Branagh (who supposedly left Thompson for Helena Bonham Carter)

“Ken is so tired, his sperm are on crutches.”

Tate Donovan on why he and  Jennifer Aniston broke up:

“She likes top-notch hotels and luxury, and I like bed and breakfasts and riding my bike.”

Keifer Sutherland on his best friend, Jason Patric, never confessing his love for Sutherland’s then fiance, Julia Roberts (who left Sutherland three days before the wedding and went to Europe with Patric).

‘I’m surprised that I never got a call from him saying I’ve fallen in love da-da-da. Instead, I found out from a stranger.’

Jason Patric on his breakup with Julia Roberts

“I knew (dating her) would be trouble.  But I think sometimes people walk into their own nightmare maybe not so consciously.  This was a person who very much put herself in the public eye, and the public life. I think everyone has a right to privacy, but once you use your personal life to advance your fame, you really don’t have the right to say no to (the press).”

Ramin Satoodeh Defends his Newsweek Article – He’s Still a Doofus

Ramin Satoodeh finally responded to the uproar about his review in Newsweek of ‘Promises, Promises.’  As you might expect, his explanation is even less coherent than the review itself.  He basically said that he stands by his complaint that Sean Hayes and Kristin Chenoweth don’t have chemistry.  Because Mr. Satoodeh doesn’t seem to understand what this outrage is really about, I’m going to break it down for him in the most basic terms possible.  The problem isn’t that you said Hayes and Chenoweth lack chemistry and don’t seem in love, it’s that you blamed that lack of chemistry on Hayes being gay, as if it’s impossible for an openly gay man to successfully play straight.  I thought Jennifer Aniston and Gerard Butler had no chemistry in ‘The Bounty Hunter,’ yet I don’t think either actor is a homosexual.  Do you?  Watch his explanation.

Jennifer Aniston Unveils New Fragrance Ad – She’s Naked Again

Dear Hollywood actresses everywhere – stop blaming Hollywood for sexism, ageism, and fatism, and start blaming your fellow actresses.  Actresses are constantly whining about the weight, beauty, and age pressures put on them by Hollywood, yet every time I look at a magazine, I see an actress posing nude on the cover.  Let me guess – you go to the photo shoot, and the photographer says, “you know what would be really creative?  If you got naked with nothing but a tie.”  Do you just say yes without thinking twice?  Next time you do, think about how, many years from now, or perhaps even months from now, you might put on a little weight, not look quite as stunning, and try and get an acting job.  When you find yourself squirming for roles, ask yourself whose fault it is.

Movie Review: ‘The Bounty Hunter’

This film simply didn’t work. They put two very beautiful people together, and created a thin storyline to keep them together for the entire film. Jennifer Aniston plays a journalist that skips bail to track down a story, and Gerard Butler plays the cop turned bounty hunter, tracking down his ex-wife. The underlying plot surrounds the story that she’s tracking down. I didn’t care too much about that story, and my guess is neither will movie goers, as it’s pretty sloppy. I would still recommend going to see it though, because those two sure are beautiful on the big screen.