Forgive me for being one of those emotionally devoid people that gets uncomfortable when others weep. But isn’t Dancing With the Stars supposed to be a safe venue for people like me? It’s a dancing show, so you would think that the stars would actually dance, instead of standing around crying all the time. And it’s not just the stars that cry. Carrie Ann Inaba makes a habit of it, and it consistently irks me. There’s a small part of me that wonders if the segment producers walk into the rehearsal room and say, “you know what the viewers would love? Just start hysterically crying about the frustrations of dance.” Anyways, this is a family show. So keep your therapy sessions off-screen.
Bret Michaels Naked Billboard Cover — I’m Disturbed
I’ve been in Bret Michaels’ corner since his Rock of Love days, where I overlooked his STD-filled bachelor pad, because the show was so darn entertaining. I even turned a blind eye to his ridiculous hair extensions. But this Billboard Magazine cover has officially crossed the line. He’s completely naked, and covered in some kind of goo. He also looks manorexic. Perhaps I should take back all my female-driven attacks about gratuitously posing naked. Apparently, men can do it too. To see the cover in question, click the link below.
Bret Michaels Covered in Goo
UPDATE: Billboard released the un-airbrushed version of the cover to prove that Bret’s abs are real. Click here to see it.
What Happened to Soul Coughing?
If you were one of the cool kids in high school, you would have heard about the band, Soul Coughing. As for me, I often eavesdropped on the cool kids, and I once heard them mention the band. I immediately bought the album and played it endlessly. Mike Doughty fronted the group, and they released three records before splitting, with my favorite being El Oso. But like most all-male bands, their hormones got the best of them, and they split amongst in-fighting. When recently asked about a reunion tour, Doughty said, “I get more and more afraid that a reunion is going to be forced upon me at knife-point. I don’t need money that bad. I swear to God. To become a billionaire…okay. If they poked out one my eyes, I would reform Soul Coughing so they didn’t poke out the other one. Oh, man.” And there you have it. It’s amazing that in every universe except music, it’s the chicks that fight. Doughty has since launched a solo career, and he’s currently signed by Dave Matthews’ label, ATO Records. Listen to the Soul Coughing song, Super Bon Bon, below.
Super Bon Bon – Soul Coughing by D-Waves
Today’s Thought: Tom Selleck — The Only Man that Can Rock a Mustache
There’s nothing more disgusting than a man with a mustache. Especially when said man attempts to hit on me, and I think, “do you seriously think I’d accept a sexual proposition from a man with a mustache?” Then I got to thinking — there is at least one man in the world that can successfully pull off a mustache, and still look yummy in the process. That man is Tom Selleck. After using my very large brain to figure out what it is about Selleck that makes him stache-tastic, I’m at a loss. Is it the thickness? Please take the time to come up with an explanation in the comments section below.
Artie Lange Performs at Comedy Club — And Looks Great
Artie Lange fans will rejoice to hear that he’s recovered from his recent suicide attempt. Lange performed stand-up at The Comedy Center this weekend, alongside Craig Gass. Gass mentioned that Lange looked great while on Howard Stern today, and Stern suspiciously avoided the subject. I’m guessing that Stern still does not know how to tactfully discuss Lange, and he therefore avoids the subject as much as possible. Judging from the pictures of Lange, it looks like he got his act together. There is a rumor that he will appear on Stern prior to Stern’s contract with Sirius ending, but who knows if he would ever return to the show on a permanent basis. It’s probably best that he doesn’t.
Hottie of the Week: James Tupper
I noticed a very good-looking man on the season premiere of Grey’s Anatomy, and I had to look him up, so I could add him to my desert-island-list. He played Dr. Andrew Perkins. So who is James Tupper, anyways? His career-launching role was in Men in Trees, where he met his current girlfriend, Anne Heche. Tupper also played a doctor on the short-lived NBC television series, Mercy. Here’s hoping he has more than one episode on Grey’s Anatomy, because the man sure is yummy. Oh yeah — did I also mention he’s a great actor? But isn’t looks more important? I confess — I’m a superficial Dishmaster.
Best Television Commercial Jingles
If Uncle Jesse from Full House were still on television, he might be out of a job. Television jingles are, unfortunately, a thing of the past. In honor of my childhood, I’ve posted a list of some of my favorite jingles. Enjoy!
DOUBLEMINT GUM — I used to chew this gum, while imagining myself as a blonde twin riding a double-bicycle while flashing my pearly white teeth. Then I got a cavity, and the fantasy was over.
TOYS R US – Remember the days when you would walk into Toys R Us and there was an entire wall of cute toys, and you wanted every single one. Now I walk into Toys R Us and I’m flooded with strange pool toys. Where’s my damn silly putty?!
MENTOS – I used to ask my mother for gum, and she’d say, I don’t have gum, but I have Mentos. To this day, I have no idea what Mentos is. Is it a gum or is it a mint? Perhaps someone could explain it to me.
BAND AID — This commercial is fortunately still around. The jingle was written by Barry Manilow, and he probably could have retired from this commercial money alone.
BIG RED — Oh how I loved Big Red. At least for the two minutes of flavor. Good enough, though.
CHILI’S BABY BACK RIBS – I’ve never liked Chili’s, but I certainly liked this commercial. In fact, since I began writing this post, I can’t get the jingle out of my head. Dammit!
1-800-MATTRESS — This commercial plagued me for most of my childhood. I remember thinking, “why do they leave off the extra ‘S?’ Could they not have thought of a better jingle that incorporated the last ‘S?'” When I brought this up to my friends, they looked at me, puzzled, and said, “who cares?! Don’t you have more important things to worry about?” The answer is no. I’m a crazy lunatic that thinks about mattress commercials. Hence, this post.
Movie Review: You Again
This movie just didn’t work. The script was such a mess, I found myself in physical pain for most of the film. Here’s the story in a nutshell: Kristen Bell’s high school bully is marrying her brother, and she wants to stop the wedding. Apparently, her brother (that she was very close with in high school) never knew that his future wife made his little sister’s life miserable as a teenager, and Bell makes it her mission to let him know. Sense the script holes already? The movie is so focused on the brother and his horrible fiance, I’m surprised Bell was even billed as the star of the film, considering she was barely in it. Though she had her own love interest, the actor who played her crush was a major miscast, and he only had about four lines in the entire film. The other problem with the film is the heavy stunt-casting. When you put Sigourney Weaver, Jamie Lee Curis, and Betty White, in a movie as supporting players, you better give them something to say. Unfortunately, their roles took away from the plot instead of adding to it. It’s simply impossible to make a movie with 6 sub-plots, and maintain its depth. You should have a little more trust in the lead. Oh and one more thing — the movie wasn’t funny. Almost every scene tried to be funny, and I looked around the theater to notice that no one was laughing. And I won’t even mention a disgusting scene with Betty White that should have been left on the cutting room floor.
Did You Know: Will Arnett is the Voice in the GMC Commercials
When I learned that Will Arnett was the voice in those GMC commercials, I was shocked, mostly because I envision him as that fun, goofy guy from Arrested Development. Who knew he had such a serious voice? I learned this information during Arnett’s appearance on Howard Stern to promote his new pilot with Keri Russell, Running Wilde. The creator, Mitch Hurwitz, also created Arrested Development. Though I have my fingers crossed for Arnett’s new show, at least he has the ongoing voice-over work, which is the most coveted “get” in Hollywood. The commercials take very little man-hours to record, and Arnett gets paid every time it airs. Watch the commercial below, and wait until the end to hear Arnett’s hot-and sexy voice.
Is Conan String-Dancing on Jeff Zucker’s Career-Grave?
The Mother-Zucker lost his job today, and I can’t help but wonder if Conan is secretly laughing. As I pointed out in yesterday’s Blockbuster post, I don’t usually rejoice at another’s demise, but I sometimes make exceptions. I’ll make an exception today for Jeff Zucker, who was the brains behind the Jay Leno/Conan O’Brien late-night debacle, and who handled his mistakes by pointing the finger at Conan’s failings, instead of his own. To quote the great Tim Gunn, “take responsibility for your own actions,” Mr. Zucker. As an aside, he also made a feeble attempt to smoke Conan off the air for three years, so that Conan could not move to another network to compete with Leno. It didn’t work, and insiders felt it was only a matter of time before Zucker was held accountable for his poor decisions. Zucker was fired by Comcast COO Steve Burke. If you would like a detailed account of Zucker’s failings while he headed NBC, then read Bill Carter’s fantastic book, Desperate Networks. You can also read Nikki Finke’s brief recap. How NBC kept him all this time, when he single-handedly sunk the network after NBC lost Friends, I’ll never understand. Oh wait — yes I will — It’s Hollywood. Here’s hoping that this gave Conan a slight sense of enjoyment.