Will Howard Stern Re-Sign With Sirius? — All Signs Point to Yes

Here’s what I know about deal-making in Hollywood. It’s often a mess, and it takes a lot of time. This is especially true when the talent is difficult, and Howard Stern fits the bill. He’s a notorious curmudgeon, and he’s been very open about his lengthy contract negotiations with Sirius. So what’s the holdup, and will the deal fall apart? I say no, and here’s why. First, I’ve been a Howard Stern fan since my father used to play him in his car when I was a teenager — and if there’s anything I’ve learned about Stern — it’s that he’s a raging egomaniac who wouldn’t leave Sirius without an elaborate party involving news crews and a megaphone. No such party is planned, because he’s still knee deep in contract negotiations in hopes of re-signing. I imagine that there are three major sticking points and both sides are holding firm. I doubt it’s money related. Stern probably wants more vacation days and less hours on air. Sirius knows that it would defeat his morning radio brand, and that Sirius subscribers are already pissed enough about his insane vacation schedule. So who will give, and when will we know? I predict Sirius will fold in a couple of days, and Stern will sign. Why? Because if Stern doesn’t re-sign prior to his last day on the air, Sirius loses the insane amount of promotion they stand to gain with the announcement. If I’m right about this, I’d like my readers to give me an electronic pat on the back. Get ready.

UPDATE: Howard Stern is rumored to be making a three year, $600 million deal with Apple’s iTunes.  Stern refused to put the rumors completely to rest, cryptically saying that he is intentionally keeping tight-lipped about his negotiations.  I still think he’ll stick with Sirius, but if he’s actually being offered this insane amount of money (which I don’t think he is), you can be sure he’ll accept.  Who the fu*k turns down $600 million?

When Did Paul Rudd Become a Movie Dweeb?

Usually actors are type cast for the rest of their life in their career launching role.  But not Paul Rudd.  He entered the scene as a witty know-it-all in Clueless and since then he’s played every dork on the planet.  I don’t get it.  Because I wasn’t sure if I misread him as sexy in Clueless, I re-watched the clip below and confirmed it.  So what happened?  He’s obviously a working actor, and is therefore not too concerned about his type-casting, but I’d still like to see him return to his roots.  It’s hard to even imagine him as sexy after his many guy-who-never-gets-the-girl roles.

When Did Enrique Iglesias Start Recording Britney Spears Music?

Nothing saddens me more than when a talented person conforms to their deficit.  Translation?  I don’t like a sell-out, especially when its unnecessary.  That brings me to Enrique Iglesias, who can actually sing, but you would never know that if you listened to his current single.  It’s so abominable that I found myself yelling out loud when I heard it.  “Enrique, are you serious!?,” I said, hoping he was listening outside my door.  I seriously wonder whether he got this overly produced track from Britney Spears’ rejected pile of music.  I know he has to put food on the table, and I know the current state of music is horrible, but this is unforgivable.  I’ve posted his current video below, and I’ve also posted one of his best, older songs, called Experiencia Religiosa.  After listening to the second song, I hope you’ll join me in my outrage.

Netflix Recommendation: Lars and the Real Girl

I’ll never understand why Ryan Gosling didn’t get an Oscar nomination for this film.  Despite getting some great movie roles, I still see Gosling as an extremely underrated actor.  I first noticed his talent when I saw The Notebook, and he confirmed his acting chops with Lars and the Real Girl.  The film is about a lonely guy from a small town who tells his family that he finally got a girlfriend.  His family is thrilled, and they invite them over for dinner to meet his girlfriend.  When Lars (Gosling) shows up with a doll and introduces her as his girlfriend, his family has no idea how to react.  They decide to treat the doll as if she’s a real person until they can figure out a solution.  The exploration of Lars’ mental health, coupled with the task of treating a doll as a real human being, makes this film one of the best I’ve seen.  Rent it.

Vintage Interview: Tom Cruise on Letterman

It’s no secret how much I love Tom Cruise. He’s one of my favorite actors in history, and he makes for a great interview. Because I also love David Letterman, you can imagine my happiness when I first watched the interview below. It was taped years ago, and Tom Cruise describes a very funny event when he was piloting an airplane with two friends. He laughs to hard he can barely get through the story. Enjoy!

Ashton Kutcher Sues Vivid Over Sex Tape Claim? — Something Smells Fishy, Ashton

Ashton Kutcher’s alleged mistress is selling a sex tape and it’s being promoted as “the girl who had sex with Ashton Kutcher.” Kutcher is suing, claiming that this “infringes on his celebrity value.” Allow me to put this lawyer thing to use and explain why Ashton Kutcher’s handling of this has become mighty suspicious. First, when he was initially accused of having an affair with this woman by Star Magazine, he threatened to sue for defamation — but he never did. The problem with suing for defamation is that in order for Kutcher to have a case, the accusation has to be false. So the fact that Kutcher never sued leads me to believe that the information is true, and he therefore knew he wouldn’t win. Got it? That brings me to my next point. A small part of me thought Kutcher didn’t sue because, despite his oodles of cash, he simply didn’t feel like it. After all, does anyone believe Star Magazine anyways? Why waste money on a frivolous lawsuit, right? But here’s where it gets suspicious. As soon as this girl released a sex tape claiming that she’s the person who had sex with Kutcher, he decided to sue. Why? I suspect it’s because he finally found a case he can win. He’s not suing for defamation, he’s suing for “using his celebrity name” to promote a product. It’s sort of a smart move that I don’t think anyone but myself would catch. He can win the lawsuit, and the suit lets the public think he’s finally standing up for himself.  Just a theory though.  I’ve asked my friend to write a guest post on defamation to explain this further, so we’ll see if I ever get it.  Are you reading this, mystery friend?

Erin Barry Denies Tony Parker Affair — Confirms She’s Annoying

I almost vomited when I read Erin Barry’s statement about her alleged extra-marital affair with Eva Longoria’s husband, Tony Parker.  She spent most of the letter talking about how important she is, and how she is “way too busy” to fuck Tony Parker, or to worry about home-wrecker accusations.  At one point she even discusses how she likes to save little children in her spare time.  Oh yeah — and she’s in law school.  Wow — if throwing your law degree around actually excused morally depraved actions, I guess I could have a permanent get-out-of-jail-free card.  Couldn’t she just write two sentences about how she doesn’t like to screw married men and call it a day?  Did I mention that she blames the rumors on the fact that she and Parker are going through divorces at the same time, and not the fact that Eva Longoria exposed her name in the press.  Though I can’t confirm Longoria spilled the beans, I’m almost positive that’s how this information leaked.  Does Barry really think I’m going to believe her name was pulled out of thin air?  If it was merely about “getting divorced at the same time,” then I’m sure Tony Parker could be accused of screwing every single woman on the planet, because the divorce rate is around 60% now.  And by the way — please refrain from demeaning Eva Lonogoria’s feelings by going on and on about how this isn’t important to you.  If it were me, and this accusation was false, I might say something like, “I’m so sorry that Eva Longoria has to deal with this.  Divorce is hard enough without these false rumors on top of it.”

Today’s Question: Why Do Celebrities Take Naked Cell Phone Pictures?

A close friend of mine told me that he didn’t realize how bad he was in bed until he taped himself and his girlfriend having sex.  “I thought it would be hot,” he said, “but it was really depressing.”  Because of my nameless friend, I’ve decided to never tape myself having sex.  Oh yeah — and I don’t want to see my gigantic ass on camera.  Does anyone?  Apparently, celebrities love making sex tapes, and they love taking naked cell phone pictures even more.  So are they raging narcissists that are also too dumb to realize the possibility of either losing their phone, or pissing a man off enough to sell those pictures one day?  You might want to ask Miley Cyrus next time you see her, because she’s the newest celebrity involved in a naked picture scandal.  And this isn’t the first time.  Not too long ago she took racy photographs of herself in the shower, which made its way on the internet for the entire world to see.  What’s that quote?  “Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, I’m an asshole.”

Celebrities Abandon Twitter to Raise Money — The World’s Dumbest Idea

Kim Kardashian and many other celebrities have shut down their twitter accounts in an effort to raise money for World Aids Day, and they promise not to return to the social networking medium until they raise one million dollars.  The stupidity of this is shocking — even for celebrities.  Doesn’t it make more sense to use your social networking platform for your cause  — instead of silencing your voice until money is raised?  I’d also like to ask if we can change the rules so that these celebrities promise to stay off twitter forever if they raise the money?  I’ll definitely donate under those parameters.  The egotism of this is also astonishing.  Does Kim Kardashian really think that people would miss her tweets so much that they would actually donate money to bring back her 140 words of wisdom?  And by the way — if the money is actually raised, please refrain from sending me I-told-you-so emails.  It won’t be raised because they abandoned twitter, it will be raised because they went on talk shows asking for donations, which only proves my point about the squeaky wheel.