I’m still confused about why Fox thinks Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler are good ideas for American Idol judges. The problem last season was that the show became too judge-centered, and the contestants were an afterthought. The new panel will just further incite that issue. It’s not possible to have Jennifer Lopez on the judging panel without her stealing the spotlight. I still maintain that Tommy Mottola would be the better pick, along with a washed-up pop-star that was very famous in her day. That’s why Paula Abdul worked. She had the credibility necessary to judge, and she was no longer too famous to divert attention away from the contestants. Plus, she was a lovable train-wreck, which always made for great entertainment. None of this matters anyways, because Simon’s Cowell’s X-Factor will trounce American Idol regardless of the judges. When he launched X-Factor in the UK, Pop Idol (the original hit-show) only lasted one year before getting canned. I predict the same fate for American Idol.
Author: The Dishmaster
Affleck Says No One Cared About Phoenix — I Cared
Casey Affleck appeared on Jay Leno to once again admit that his Joaquin Phoenix documentary was fake, and proclaimed that at the time Phoenix was “in character,” Affleck never received any worried phone calls about Phoenix’s condition. I’d like to officially debunk Affleck’s claim, seeing as how I have consistently said that Affleck was a jerk for making this movie, and that people should not make light of addiction. It’s true that I never made a personal phone call to either Affleck or Phoenix, but that’s only because I don’t have their telephone numbers. If they would like to give it to me in case this happens again, I can guarantee a personal phone call next time around. I also specifically remember an interview with Reese Witherspoon, where they asked her if she was worried about Phoenix (who she starred with in Walk the Line), and Reese curiously dodged the question. In hindsight, she probably knew it was fake, and therefore wiggled out of a response. I also remember an interview with Joaquin Phoenix during his “condition,” where the interviewer was confused about why Casey Affleck was so excited about how horrible the interview went. That interviewer also presumed it was a hoax, given that no one in their right mind would be excited about their friend’s demise. I wish I could find these aforementioned interviews, but it’s a little difficult to Google “Casey Affleck is a douchebag” and come up with the results I’m looking for. Just believe me when I tell you — the general public (that wasn’t “in on it”) was concerned, and Affleck is trying to assuage his guilt by now acting like he intended it to be a movie all along. You tried to trick people — so own up.
Angelina Jolie is an Action Hero? — I Could Take Her
Angelina Jolie was voted one of the top 10 action heroes of all time, and she was the only woman to make the list. There are many things in this world that I don’t know, but there are at least two things that I know for sure. First, I could kick Jayden Smith’s ass. And second, I could kick Angelina Jolie’s ass. I took martial arts for a full month, and I often get winded walking up hills — but I stand firm in my assertion. How do I know? Well, Jayden Smith is a child, and Angelina Jolie is the size of a tooth pick. Don’t action heroes have to have visible biceps (and miniature ones don’t count)? You might be asking why I’ve even mentioned Jayden Smith in this post, considering its pretty irrelevant. Well, I like to arbitrarily pick on little children. Alright, perhaps I’m being too mean. But just to drive home my point, I’ve attached a picture of Arnold Schwarzenegger, who I like to call, the “last action hero” (pun intended). I hope that clears things up.
Hilary Clinton’s Hair Causes Controversy — HUH?!
In case you were snoozing during her campaign for President, I’ll remind you that Hilary Clinton’s style is limited to neon pant suits. Apparently, her hair is now added to the fashion faux paus list. While appearing before the United Nations to discuss relief for Pakistan and Haiti, reporters noticed her bad hair day, and decided to write about her ill-used hair clip, instead of the actual issues she discussed. It’s nice to know I’m not the only person who day dreams during important speeches. I often find myself undressing and redressing everyone in a room, and if I have time, I’ll also do their hair and makeup in my head. Now if I can only find a way to get paid the same as these top notch reporters. I’m sure I’d move up the ladder quickly, and eventually graduate to full on naps while politicians talk.
Today’s Question: Is Chrissie Hynde the Best Female Vocalist in History?
Mark McGrath appeared on Howard Stern yesterday to promote his new show, Don’t Forget the Lyrics!, and Stern asked him to name his favorite female Rock vocalist. McGrath picked Chrissie Hynde of The Pretenders. The first person that came to my mind when Stern asked the question, was Nancy Wilson of Heart, but Hynde is certainly a good choice. She is currently the only remaining member of The Pretenders, which makes the group more of a tribute band than anything else. That being said, I’d still like to see Hynde perform live. The song below, Brass in Pocket, was their first major hit from their debut album, Pretenders, reaching number one in the UK. So who’s your choice for best female rock vocalist?
Lady Gaga Gives Don’t Ask Don’t Tell Speech — Confirms She’s Annoying
Once upon a time it annoyed me when entertainers joined causes. Then I grew up, and thought — well, at least their using fame for something good. Lady Gaga’s Don’t Ask Don’t Tell speech, brings me back to my original hypothesis — stick to your day job. Dressed in a predictably ridiculous style, Gaga gave a speech to a random crowd in Maine, and her voice hurts my ears. She assured the crowd that she “wrote the speech herself” which I sincerely believe, given its quality. First, if you’re going to be taken seriously, then perhaps you should dress as Stefani Germanotta, not “Lady Gaga.” Second, I choose not to listen to anyone that mocks animals by dressing in a meat dress. I’m not a vegetarian, but I also don’t arbitrarily slaughter animals to wear their meat on my head — I eat them. And Lastly, you’re too young and too new to the industry for this crap. I’m sick of it — get on a stage and sing.
Update: It occurred to me that I would take this speech just as seriously if it was said by Borat.
This Just in: Gwyneth Paltrow Can Sing
For some reason, Gwyneth Paltrow is in the company of many leading ladies that get slaughtered in the press (that list includes Jennifer Aniston and Nicole Kidman — to name a couple). Paltrow has been in the press a lot lately, primarily for her new film role, Country Strong, and almost every headline asks whether she can actually sing. Allow me to put this to rest — the answer is yes — she can sing. I’ve known this information since seeing her in Duets, and apparently Ryan Murphy agrees, because he just cast her in Glee. Listen to one of her songs from Duets below.
Just My Imagination – Babyface & Gwyneth Paltrow by mylifetrakz
Brad Womack is the Next Bachelor — GENIUS!
Just when I got comfortable thinking that Hollywood executives have pea-sized brains, they surprise me. Reality Steve is reporting that my favorite Bachelor in history, Brad Womack, is returning to the franchise, after not finding love the first time around. The original time he appeared on the show, he rejected both Deanna Pappas (on the right) and Jennie Croft, in the end. He received a ton of shit for doing so, and I defended his decision, thinking the man was either a homosexual, or a realist. Instead of picking someone to appease ABC, he stood firm, and told both women that if he wasn’t in love with either, it wouldn’t be fair to choose one, with an unrealistic hope that he would fall in love eventually. I suppose he figured that if a helicopter over the ocean wouldn’t make him fall in love, nothing would. This news is especially surprising considering Chris Lambton was the front-runner. Personally, I thought Chris was a terrible idea — given that his mother died so recently, and he had trouble keeping it together. So good job, ABC.
Jennifer Grey On Dancing With the Stars — The One to Beat — I’m Nostalgic
Jennifer Grey made me miss Patrick Swayze on last night’s Dancing With the Stars. She was fantastic, and I yearn for the good old days of dancing films. After all, I’ve almost exhausted my Gene Kelly Netflix queue, and I’ve seen Dirty Dancing approximately 57 times. And the new Footloose remake doesn’t count. Until the uncreative executives at movie studios come up with an original idea, I will continue to utter the line, “nobody puts Baby in a corner.” It also doesn’t hurt that Derek Hough is her partner, considering he’s the best professional dancer on the show. If you don’t agree, I’d like to remind you that every professional dancer needed an outside choreographer for last season’s finale, except Hough. Watch her performance below, and try not to cry.
Mark Wahlberg Slaps Friends in the Face With Fake Penis
Mark Wahlberg has always been on my favorite person list, mostly because his humorless bravado is just an act — he’s hysterical. In a recent interview, he revealed that he kept the fake, 13 inch penis from Boogie Nights as a souvenir, and he used to keep it in his office drawer, so that he could randomly whip it out and slap his friends in the face with it. Why? Because nothing says friendship like a good penis slapping. As a sidenote, he’s given me a great idea about how to keep my cube-life interesting. I hear “promotion” any day now.