Category: Film

Midnight in Paris — Movie Review

Some film critics say that “Woody Allen is back” with this film. Personally, I’m not sure he ever left. His personal life has always tainted public opinion of his films, so the man has to remind the world of his continued brilliance. And this film is certainly brilliant. It’s one of the best movies I’ve seen in a long time — and the most unique. The movie follows Gil Pender (Owen Wilson) and Inez (Rachel McAdams), as they travel with Inez’s family to Paris for business. Gil is a successful screenwriter who wants to change careers and write a novel, and Inez is an unsupportive fiance that I wished to kill for most of the film. No one can write a couple quite like Woody Allen. Their bickering is incredibly realistic, and I even found myself with some slight post traumatic stress from my previous relationship. Gil is a romantic, and he wishes he lived in Paris in the 20’s. As he’s walking home from a painful dinner with Inez’s family, he gets in a car with some strangers and finds himself transported to the 20’s. While there, he meets some famous literary and artistic icons, whose names I will keep a secret so that you can partake in the same very enjoyable guessing game. Let’s just say Adrian Brody was my favorite. Gil’s experience with these characters not only helps his novel, but it also helps him appreciate the present. Only Woody Allen can write a romantic film that doesn’t involve a man running for an airplane before the love of his life leaves him forever. Some stories are simple — and beautiful. OVERALL RATING: DISHTASTIC

Hangover Part II — Movie Review

When a movie is good, you might as well make it twice, right? There’s a lot of negative film reviews out there for this sequel, and I can’t help but think those film critics missed the genius of duplicating a format.  After all, isn’t that why we remake old classics?  The Hangover writers are just ahead of their time. They re-made a movie within two years of its original release — and if you liked the first one — then you’ll like the second one. There’s no need to summarize the plot for this review, other than to say that Stu is getting married again — and this time it’s in Thailand.  The subsequent hilarity is much like the first film, but with different jokes.  Oh yeah — it’s slightly grosser.  Go see it. I promise you’ll laugh. OVERALL RATING: DISHTASTIC

Roger Ebert Still Hates ‘Thor’ — Won’t Apologize for Movie Review

Leave it to Roger Ebert stand firm amidst harsh criticism. In a nutshell, Ebert hated Thor, and the Thor fans attacked him. Instead of apologizing or re-evaluating his review, Ebert explained his points, and as expected, I’m once again flooded with Roger Ebert love. I’ve posted some choice quotes from his non-apology below. Sit back and enjoy it, because no one can engage in a war of the words quite like Roger Ebert.

On Fan Hatred of his Review

After my “Thor” review hit the fan, I was pummeled by outraged comments. A large number cited factual inaccuracies and speculated that I had not seen the movie at all. Some stated that as a fact. One called for me to be fired. Of course I saw the movie. I haven’t spent 44 years at this to start making things up now. I might indeed question how many other movies some of my correspondents have seen, since they confused “Thor” with a good film.

On getting one of the robot’s name wrong in his review

With some films every frame seems to register. Others have a strange quality of slipping wraith-like through my mind without hitting any brain cells. If the robot was named the Destroyer, the best reason for my failure to recall its name was that I just didn’t give a damn.

On His Inaccuracies in describing the film’s plot

Obviously my mistake was to get into the plot at all. One of my weaknesses is to play with the logic of preposterous movies like this. I consider that an amusing exercise, to be read as entertainment and not taken so damned seriously.

On Thor Being a Bad Movie

Does it make a movie “good” because you “like” it? No, it doesn’t, and I have liked a lot of bad movies. It is helpful to separate one’s immediate amusement from more lasting standards. “Thor” is a minor superhero movie with a boring back story and an underwhelming weapon (his hammer).

Movie Review: ‘Water For Elephants’

There are times when I have absolutely no constructive criticism for a movie gone awry. This is one of those cases. To put it simply, the movie is boring. Jacob Jankowski plays a veterinary school student whose final exam is interrupted by the news of his parents death. Lost and sad, he randomly boards a train out of town. As it turns out, he hopped a circus train, and he swings a job shoveling manure for the circus until the head trainer, August (Christoph Waltz), promotes him to be the veterinarian. While tending to the animals, he sees Marlena (Reese Witherspoon) and immediately falls in love. Marlena returns his affection, but since she’s married to August, and August is a tyrant, they can’t be together. That’s the story in a nutshell. I couldn’t figure out if this movie was supposed to focus on the circus or the love story. If it was meant to focus on the circus, then it’s done poorly. There’s not nearly enough content about the show itself to stay engaged or entertained. Sure, it’s interesting to see someone acting like a soulless prick while trying to keep a business afloat, but there has to be more than that to keep a film afloat. And if the film is meant to be a love story, I’d recommend that the director take a day watching and re-watching The Notebook, because this feels like a poor man’s version of that. Additionally, Rob Pattinson and Reese Witherspoon have zero chemistry.
OVERALL RATING: DISHSATISFIED

Movie Review: Thor

I’ve been delaying this movie review for as long as possible, because it’s been hard to process my feelings about the film. When I left the theater, I was convinced I didn’t like the movie. In retrospect, I think my complaints are a bit more specific than an overall dislike.

The movie opens with Odin waging war against the Frost Giants of Jotunheim to prevent them from conquering the nine realms, including Earth. The Asgardians seize their source of power and the Frost Giants attempt to retrieve it just before Thor (Odin’s son) is about to ascend to the throne. When Thor travels to Jotunheim to confront their leader, an all-out war erupts, and Odin is forced to intervene. Because Thor is unapologetic and arrogant about his actions, Odin exiles him to earth, in hopes that he’ll learn his lesson.

Before I continue, I’d like to confess that I ripped that entire plot off from Wikipedia, because I had absolutely no idea what was going on for the first twenty minutes of the film. That’s either because I have a pea-sized brain, or because I was not familiar with the story before entering the film, and it wasn’t properly executed for comic-book novices such as myself. Regardless, that opening scene was simply too long. The real fun of the film begins when Thor is banished to earth, and he becomes a fish out of water.
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Movie Review: Source Code

This film is a cross between Groundhog Day and Minority Report, and it is just inches away from being really good. Colter Stevens (Jake Gyllenhaal) finds himself on a train for exactly eight minutes, and then it explodes, killing everyone on board. After the explosion, he awakens in some kind of capsule, and he’s addressed via computer by Colleen Goodwin (Vera Farmiga). Stevens is part of a “source code” program, where he goes inside another person’s life for their last eight minutes before death. In this case, he becomes Sean Fentress, a man on the train with Christina Warren (Michelle Monaghan). He’s told that he has to find the bomber on the train, and he’ll keep returning to those last eight minutes until he figures it out. He uses that time to not only find the bomber, but to also research himself, because he has trouble remembering his own identity. His discovery provides a bit of twist, and I won’t spoil it. The problem with the movie is that it’s not a very good mystery thriller. The concept is intriguing, but his investigation lacks the creativity needed to keep the movie interesting. I imagine if I was part of this program, I would have solved the mystery the exact same way as Colter Stevens, which makes for a boring movie. He’s looking through people’s bags, he’s randomly assaulting and accusing passengers, and he’s generally freaked out the entire time. Because he’s in the military, I was hoping his approach would be a bit more specific to his strengths. Furthermore, since you never really get to know each passenger, there’s no tangible investment in the plot, and the bomber becomes pretty irrelevant. Mystery thrillers need to have more content. Concept alone isn’t enough. OVERALL RATING: SADISHFIED.

Hanna: Movie Review

Hanna is a teenage girl raised by her father to be an assassin, and she’s spent her entire life in virtual isolation to avoid being killed by the CIA. For most of the film, it’s unclear why she and her father are wanted dead, and all we know is there’s a very beautiful woman in charge of the CIA mission (Cate Blanchett) and she has a specific yet ambiguous agenda. When Hanna’s father releases her to civilization, he’s prepared her for everything except social interaction. Sure she can kill five guys at once, but can she read an enemy? Can she figure out who to trust and who’s manipulating her? There are life lessons you just can’t teach, and it’s interesting to see Hanna navigate these obstacles. Even though the plot is thin, it doesn’t matter. It’s an artistic masterpiece. The soundtrack is by The Chemical Brothers, and the music combined with the well-choreographed action sequences — makes for an incredible movie experience.  My only complaint is the gratuitous violence.  While I have no problem watching 15 guys die simultaneously, once I’m attached to a character, there better be a damn good reason for their death.  That’s not the case in this film.  I often found myself hoping that someone would come to the rescue to avoid certain people’s deaths, but no such luck. Perhaps I’m just a sappy viewer that wants a Hollywood ending.  OVERALL RATING: DISHTASTIC

Movie Review — The Adjustment Bureau

I refuse to spend an entire movie wondering what’s motivating the characters’ behavior. In Adjustment Bureau, there’s a team of people with fashionable hats and trench coats trying to keep Matt Damon from the girl he loves (Emily Blunt), and for what feels like an eternity — we don’t know why. When he asks, he’s only told that his wishes “deviate from the plan.” So what is this “plan,” and who are these guys, and why do they care who Matt Damon sleeps with — or loves for that matter? This is the part of the review where I usually tell my reader to watch the movie for fear of spoiling it, but I’m afraid the movie provides little answers. The script is basically a poor man’s play on free will, only it makes zero sense because it’s not your “plan” if everyone is deliberately putting obstacles in your way. To clarify, allow me to use a specific example. If it’s my destiny to be a stripper, and every time I’m about to enter the stage to perform I’m met with five guys who block the stage, does it really make sense to justify that behavior with “it’s not part of the plan?” It’s is my plan to be a stripper, but you clowns with stupid hats ruined it!! If my analogy didn’t make sense, I’d encourage you to avoid the film, because their explanation is far worse than my example. In addition to the terrible writing, the movie is filled with extremely boring chase sequences, which involve Matt Damon tracking down Emily Blunt while simultaneously trying to avoid a lobotomy (no, I’m not kidding). I’d first like to note that if I personally had to choose between love and a lobotomy — I’d keep my brain in tact. But that’s just me. Second — if you’re going to write a terrible film, can you at least provide me with some special effects? This is a big budget movie, so at least throw in some Mission Impossible gadgetry to keep my attention. OVERALL RATING: DISHSATISFIED

Movie Review: Take Me Home Tonight

I’m not the right person to review this film.  First, I have a huge crush on Topher Grace, which makes me biased.  In fact, I recently saw him at a Hollywood party, and I’m convinced he gave me the eye.  It’s more likely than not that the “eye” I’m referring to was actually Topher Grace looking in fear at the crazy chick gawking at him — but a girl can dream. This film is basically a story-less comedy about a boy with a crush.  It’s set in the eighties, which I found slightly confusing, especially since it never fast-forwarded to real-time.  Topher Grace plays Matt Franklin, who recently graduated from MIT and is working in a video store until he finds out what he wants to do with his life.  He meets his high school crush, and he lies to her about his job because he’s embarrassed.  She invites him to a party, and he spends the entire night trying to impress her, which involves the pressure of keeping his lie.  I’d like to note that the only extremely funny scene was executed by Demitri Martin, who hilariously called-out Matt Franklin as a liar.  To be fair, Demitri is a stand-up comedian, so it only makes sense that he’d steal the show.  Throughout this film, I found myself wondering why Say Anything worked, and this didn’t.  Both films star a charming, somewhat dorky boy with a crush.  If Say Anything was released today, would it still be as popular?  I’m not sure.  Perhaps Topher needed to hold a stereo above his head or something?  I’m giving this movie a stronger than deserved overall rating because of my crush on Topher Grace. OVERALL RATING: SADISHFIED

Movie Review: Unknown

When Dr. Martin Harris (Liam Neeson) wakes up from a coma after his taxi driver spins off a bridge, he’s certain his wife is frantic, and he immediately leaves the hospital to find her.  When he arrives at his hotel to find his wife, she doesn’t recognize him, and she’s with another man named Dr. Martin Harris.  He’s convinced she’s being held against her will and forced to lie.  He spends the rest of the movie trying to prove his identity and subsequently rescue his wife.  So was his identity stolen, and did his wife play a part?  You’ll have to watch the movie to find out.  There’s certainly endless holes in the plot, but I can be a very forgiving viewer, especially when I’m on the edge of my seat for an entire movie.  There is one part of the story that deserves a special mention, though.  Diane Kruger plays the taxi driver, and it’s fantastic to see a female character that doesn’t stand on the top of mountain waiting for a man to rescue her.  She kicked some serious ass.  OVERALL RATING: SADISHFIED.