It's Not Gossip, It's Commentary
“Left leg and I talked — everything’s cool. Next Oscars, she gets the slit.” Angelina Jolie’s right leg, on the media madness surrounding Angelina Jolie’s slit (which included the hilarious @AngiesRightLeg twitter account) and the subsequent jealously from Jolie’s left leg.
Here’s the only thing I know about football: both the players and the fans are certifiably insane. The players run around a big green field in tights and give each other congratulatory slaps on the ass. They also tackle each other to the ground and then subsequently lay there together for what can only be assumed is a borderline spooning session. As for the fans, they yell very loud at the television while eating greasy foods and pretending as if anything they are saying can actually be heard by the people inside that electronic box. So what’s the impetus behind my Dishmaster-football-rant? Tom Cruise’s son, Connor Cruise, is in trouble for a tweet he wrote in response to his rep’s gloating tweet about the Patriots’ loss, which served to inflate his aforementioned fan-insanity. Connor said, “That was a gay ass f**king tweet… U don’t say s**t like that about my team the second they lose. Low.” The rep subsequently dropped Connor as a client and then sent out emails calling him, “highly offensive, homophobic, and less than respectful.” I have some of my own words for Mr. Todd Krim (the rep in question). First, if you are going to taunt a kid on twitter after his team loses, then you have already crossed the lines of your professional relationship. Second, only a five year old child sends out emails to his colleagues in hopes of getting your client blacklisted in the industry over one comment. And third, using the word “gay” to describe dislike has not yet been universally disavowed in the same way as the F-Word or N-word. Yes, it’s bad and should not be used. But it doesn’t justify trying to trash this kid’s career in it’s entirety. The only child in this situation is Mr. Krim.
The art of Howard Stern’s genius is that his ideas are simple yet brilliant. His latest ground-breaking adventure involved calling his twitter fans on New Years, telling them he and his wife are drunk-dialing and asking for phone numbers. And according to some tweets, Stern followed through. Too bad I was out of the country and missed the opportunity. Here’s hoping he makes house calls next.
Want to know how to get the press off your back? — Release a statement which explicitly denies a tabloid report. In the case of Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher — neither party has taken this mature route, and they have instead released cryptic messages on twitter that border on annoying. Ashton linked to a song entitled, ‘Don’t believe The Hype,’ Demi Moore posted a strange picture of herself with her eyes closed, and a the words, “I see through you,” and then later quoted some Greek philosopher who said, “When we are offended at any man’s fault, turn to yourself & study your own failings. Then you will forget your anger.” These two should either deny the report or count to ten before tweeting. To be fair though, I have to put my judgmental hat aside and admit that I often use Facebook to take digs at my exes, especially a certain man I recently dated who ripped my heart out and ate it for breakfast. Having said that, I will dodge the hypocrisy accusations with one simple fact — I’m not famous — and I don’t have a publicist that should be monitoring my electronic behavior.
Has your poor behavior ever pissed someone off, yet their reaction is far worse than your original misstep? Such is the case with the consistently temperamental Ryan Murphy, the creator of Glee. Murphy isn’t pleased with his three key players, which includes Lea Michele, Chris Colfer, and Cory Montieth. In case you have not heard, Murphy announced to the press that Colfer, Michele, and Montieth would be “graduating,” thereby taking them off the show (or at least seriously reducing their services on the show). The press got wind, and said the actors had been “fired,” and Chris Colfer subsequently claimed to have found out about this news via twitter. Murphy wasn’t pleased about Chris’ claim, presumably because it made Murphy look like a heartless prick who talked to the press before notifying his actors. Predictably — Murphy is firing back — and I can only assume these actors are running for cover. According to Murphy, they knew all along, and he was even in talks to do a spin-off with them after Glee. They were therefore aware that they were leaving the show, and were not “fired via twitter.” As a result of their alleged misrepresentation, Murphy and the powers-that-be over at Fox have decided to punish them by nixing the spin-off. I have a few things to say about this. Ryan Murphy might need some anger management counseling. Second, Having said that, he’s still the creator of the show, which means it’s extremely disrespectful and stupid to publicly insult him. But why should Lea Michele and Cory Montieth be punished for what Chris Colfer said? They smartly kept their mouth shut. Should the entire class be punished for the actions of that one student who throws paper airplanes at the teacher?
Roger Ebert has sparked a venomous conversation about his recent Ryan Dunn tweet, when Ebert said, “friends don’t let jackasses drink and drive.” As a result, Ebert apologized — or further explained himself. He said his tweet was “not intended as cruel” but rather, it was “intended as true.” I have mixed feelings about this. First, I’m not sure it’s necessary to state the obvious at a time when Ryan Dunn’s friends and family are grieving. But to quote The Superficial, “Instead of being behind the wheel of a Porsche, if Ryan Dunn had ran down the street randomly firing a gun . . . ” would you still call Ebert an insensitive prick? I’m not sure. This might be the best time for a public lesson — insensitive or not.
Russell Crowe received a lot of criticism over his anti-circumcision tweets, and some are even calling his statements anti-semitic. Of the “barbaric” ritual, Crowe said, “I love my Jewish friends, I love the apples and the honey and the funny little hats, but stop cutting your babies.” I’m not sure whether his stance on baby penis is the anti-semitic part or it’s the “little hats” remark. As a Jew, I tried hard to be offended by his comments, especially since us Jews take just about everything personally. No such luck though. I suppose the only thing that offended me is the idea that Russell Crowe didn’t ask women what they prefer, because that’s certainly the most important part of this equation. Crowe forgets that later in life, men are less concerned about the existence or non-existence of foreskin, and they are more concerned about getting laid. And if women had their choice, I think I know which they’d pick. Perhaps that’s just me though. Did I mention I’m a Jew?
I’ve been vocal about my aversion to unnecessary twitter revelations, but I’ll make an exception for Demi Lovato, who has been extremely vocal about her body image issues. In fact, Lovato recently went to rehab for such issues, and apparently — the rehab worked. Nothing says fully healed like showing the entire world what you look like in a bikini. Though I’ve never had an eating disorder myself, that doesn’t mean I don’t make a valiant attempt to walk out of every room backwards. In fact, it’s a personal rule to only wear a bikini in foreign countries. So Good job, Demi — can I get the name of your therapist? To see her rockin’ bikini body, click the link below.
Until there’s a middle-man proof-reading celebrity tweets before they hit the web, I imagine we’ll keep seeing PR melt-downs. Blake Shelton, most recently known as a judge on the hit NBC show, The Voice, tweeted that he’s “re-writing [his] fav Shania Twain song,” and his lyrics included, “Any man that tries Touching my behind He’s gonna be a beaten, bleedin’, heaving kind of guy…” The subsequent outrage warranted the standard apology tweet, with Shelton saying, he “seriously apologize[s],” and “it wasn’t meant that way.” He also whined about the twitter-sphere “jumping on everything” he says. How is it possible that Shelton is the victim in this? Though I’m sure he has a gay best friend and therefore isn’t a “homophobe,” perhaps he could take a little responsibility for his stupidity. Is it seriously beyond his comprehension that his tweet was inappropriate? It was not “taken the wrong way,” but rather, it was just wrong in general. Don’t blame us — blame yourself.
Unlike the rest of America, Osama Bin Laden’s death has not put me in a celebratory mood. It reminds me of 9/11, and therefore depresses me whether the devil is dead or not. Having said that, I found an article today that made me laugh so hard it’s worthy of sharing. Sohaib Athar is an Abbottabad IT consultant who noticed something was amiss when he saw a helicopter hovering. Without thinking too much into it, he engaged in a series of tweets including:
Continue reading “Man Accidentally Live-Tweets Osama Bin Laden Raid — Now Wants to Sleep”