Author: The Dishmaster

American Idol Is Officially Done — Sucks Without Simon Cowell

Well, it’s official. Start saying your goodbyes to American Idol. I watched the show tonight and hoped for the best. But it just doesn’t work without Simon Cowell. The ship needs a captain, and the captain can now be seen on X Factor, which will soon trounce American Idol in the ratings. I know this not only because I’m a genius, but also because that’s exactly what happened in England. Simon Cowell started in England on a show called Pop Idol, which exploded in the ratings. When he left Pop Idol for X Factor, Pop Idol tanked, and X Factor became an immediate hit. Why? Because Cowell is a necessity, and without him, it’s just another talent show. So Simon — if you’re reading this — I missed you tonight, and I found myself waiting for you to appear at the table.  I’ll see you soon.

Jennifer Aniston Hated her ‘Friends’ Haircut — Gasp!!!

How dare she!  In a recent interview, Jennifer Aniston revealed that she hated her famous haircut from Friends, calling it the “ugliest haircut she’s ever seen.”  In truth, this is actually pretty funny.  I’ve always said that Jennifer Aniston would make a great dinner date, because that whole good girl persona is just an act.  Can you imagine what she’d say about you know who if she had a couple of drinks?  As an aside, I’d like to note that I have tried for years to duplicate the Rachel haircut, and no hair dresser has been able to achieve it.  So thanks to Jennifer Aniston for saving me some time.  The Rachel requests are officially over!

Movie Review: The Dilemma

A few months ago I wrote a post about how high concept movies are doomed at the box-office.  The Dilemma further confirms my theory.  It’s a story about a man who finds out his best friend’s wife is having an affair, and he’s plagued about what to do.  I don’t need to write anything further about the plot, because the film never survives the concept.  The only funny moment of the entire film was shockingly executed by Channing Tatum, who plays the man that Winona Ryder’s character is sleeping with.  Other than that, you’ve just got two friends, a “dilemma,” and two relatively boring female characters.

Golden Globes Recap: Did Robert De Niro Hire Comedy Writers for His Speech?

Robert De Niro accepted the Cecil B. DeMille award at last night’s Golden Globes, and he clearly hired comedy writers for his speech. It’s common knowledge in Hollywood that De Niro hates doing interviews, and hates public speaking. That’s why you rarely see him promote his movies on late night talk shows (unless of course he produced the movie, in which case he promotes the hell out of it, because it’s more money in his pocket). That explains why he would try to be funny, and why he would hire outside writers for help. The only funny joke in the entire speech was his self-deprecating jab at Little Fockers, saying, saying, he’s “glad the Hollywood Foreign Press decided to give him the award two months ago, well before they had a chance to review Little Fockers.” Other than that, he made some very inappropriate jokes that didn’t fit his personality at all. Can’t the guy just get up there and give a thank you speech that he wrote himself? Sure, it might be boring. But it wouldn’t be inappropriate.

Golden Globes Recap: Stop With the Botox!

I hate botox.  Despite the proclamations of many actresses that insist they use it “sparingly,” I can always tell and it’s always horrible.  My problem isn’t that actresses in their forties shouldn’t look twenty, it’s that actresses in their forties shouldn’t look terrible.  Having said that, there was a certain actress at the Golden Globes that clearly went for injections prior to the awards show, and she was almost unrecognizable.  I will not say her name, because that would just be mean, but consider this a message to all actresses everywhere.  The botox looks abominable.  Stop doing it.  It’s disgusting.

Golden Globes Recap: Glee’s Chris Colfer Wins the Night

Out of all the wins at the 2011 Golden Globes, Chris Colfer was my favorite.  Sure, I’m a biased Glee fan.  But he was both shocked and humble, which made me love him even more than I love his character on Glee.  Ryan Murphy recently said that he was most surprised by Colfer’s nomination, which explains Colfer’s exasperated look when they announced his name.  I really don’t think he expected to win, especially considering who he was up against.  But if you’ve paid any attention to his storyline this season, his character addresses gay bullying, which has been brought to our attention after recent tragedies in the news.  He deserved the win.  Congrats, Colfer.  Watch is speech below.

Golden Globes Recap: Don’t “Shh” Me at Your Viewing Party!

Dear everyone — When attending a Golden Globes party at someone’s house, please be aware that the invitation said “party” for a reason.  If you want to hear everything that is being said during the show, then please stay home and sit in your own personal silence.  But when you rudely yell out “shh” to the other guests while they are mingling, you’re the asshole.  Not me.

Golden Globes Recap: Angelina Jolie Refuses to Laugh

There are two certainties in life: 1) Ricky Gervais is damn funny, and 2) Angelina Jolie has no sense of humor.  I really want to like her, and I promise I’ve made a serious effort to change my opinion over the years.  But when the cameras cut to Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, and only Pitt is laughing, I can’t help but wonder what Angelina’s problem is.  The only explanation is that Gervais ragged on her film, The Tourist, but that certainly doesn’t explain why her costar, Johnny Depp, was also seen laughing.  Is Depp just a better sport?  Here’s my advice to the actors that get made fun of — if you don’t think it’s funny, then use your acting skills to laugh anyways, otherwise the viewing public just sees you as a humorless curmudgeon.

UPDATE: Angelina Jolie can laugh after all. Click here

Christina Hendricks Posed For Playboy — She Wasn’t Naked — No Scandal

There’s a lot of buzz on the internet about Mad Men’s Christina Hendricks’ “Playboy past.”  Can I just say that unless she’s naked, there’s no scandal.  She’s in a bikini in a highly air-brushed and artistic photo-shoot, which is less revealing than if she was photographed by Paparazzi on the beach.  I’d also like to say that, despite the viewpoint of my highly conservative friends, Playboy is not a scandalous magazine.  There’s no longer a need to hide it under your couch cushions, and it’s certainly okay to take it to Starbucks and read it for the articles.  Isn’t it?  Perhaps that’s why I get such strange looks while I’m drinking my coffee.  To see the “scandalous” pictures, click the link below.

CHRISTINA HENDRICKS — PLAYBOY — THE SMOKING JACKET

Kanye West Tries to Be Funny With Britney — Can’t Catch a Break

I’m actually starting to feel sorry for Kanye West.  When Britney Spears’ new song knocked Kanye out of  the number one spot, he tweeted her, saying, “Yo Britney, I’m really happy for you and I’mma let you be #1, but me and Jay-Z single is one of the best songs of all time.”  Apparently, Kanye West is not allowed to make fun of himself, because no one has a sense of humor, including Britney Spears.  Spears’ manager, Adam Leber, replied to Kanye’s tweet, saying, “Thanks for “letting” us be #1. Much appreciated.”  Can we all stop picking on Kanye West please?  Enough is enough.  The guy made a mistake, and his mistake actually catapulted Taylor Swift into super stardom.  Also — give the guy permission to make a joke for goodness sakes.