The Bachelor Ratings are Down — Ben Flajnik Stinks!@

When The Bachelorette’s Ashley Hebert reduced her romantic prospects down to a select few, I thought, “ABC is screwed on their next Bachelor. Everyone Ashley likes is boring and unattractive.” The network often picks a reject from the previous season to kick off the new season, because the viewers are already familiar with the star, which increases the likelihood of immediate ratings. But what do you do when the reject lacks the star power necessary to carry the series? In ABC’s case the answer is — cast him anyways. And they’ve paid the price with bad ratings. They should have cast someone entirely new, but I’m sure the powers-that-be felt it was too risky, considering their decision to cast the newbie Matt Grant led to its worst ratings of all time. It was a lose-lose. Perhaps Ashley Hubert should apologize to ABC for her taste in men.

‘Toddlers & Tiaras’ Needs to End — Hear That TLC?

‘Toddlers & Tiaras’ isn’t “controversial” — it’s objectively immoral. It’s not okay to sexualize young children, and it’s certainly not okay for a network to profit from a parent’s disgusting choices. In the clip below, you’ll see a four year old named Maddy Jackson appearing as Dolly Parton, which includes wearing fake breasts and a fake butt. The stir surrounding the show was recently discussed on ‘The View,’ when Eden Wood performed a song, and the show’s viewers erupted in fury. At the time, Barbara Walters argued that no one complained when Shirley Temple did it, at which point Joy Behar rightly pointed out that Shirley Temple was never sexualized. She never waved her ass around while wearing fake boobs. At some point, a network must take responsibility for where they churn profits, and this show needs to end. Everyone involved should be ashamed of themselves for ignoring the moral high-ground in favor of ratings. These are children.

George Lopez Canceled — Is it Conan’s Fault?

I feel bad for George Lopez. The guy had a moderately successful show, and then Conan’s late night debacle forced him into a new time-slot. At the time, he was supportive, assuming that a great lead-in could only help his ratings. Unfortunately, Conan didn’t deliver his expected audience numbers, and George Lopez suffered. But when you look at the big picture, here’s the nutshell summary — Conan did to George what Jay did to Conan. Sure Conan likely asked for George’s permission when he joined TBS, but in the end, he still hurt Lopez’s numbers. It’s not my style to pick on Conan O’Brien. I used to be such a huge fan of his show. But he should have stayed in his original time-slot. He was chasing after the dream of “being the next Johnny Carson,” and that arbitrary goal got in the way of pragmatic decision-making. Now he’s suffering. And furthermore — he should have gone to Fox instead of TBS.

‘The Voice’ Will Be Two Hours Now — Gigantic Waste of Time?

I’ve never in my entire life watched a one-hour show and thought, “you know what would be really great — if this show was two hours long.” In fact, I often find myself infuriated when I’m forced to fast-forward through a large portion of Celebrity Apprentice, presumably because the producers think the show is so fantastic that they refuse to edit out the extraneous material. ‘The Voice’ is hopping on board the piss-off-The-Dishmaster train, by expanding their one hour show to two hours. I imagine that since the ratings are great, they want to use the show for all its worth, thereby maximizing their ad revenue. Here’s the problem — adding an hour fatigues the viewers and inevitably sacrifices the quality of the show. When you get greedy, you lose your cash-cow.

Oprah Won’t Save Soap Operas — Bad Decision

Devastated fans inundated Oprah’s message board with pleas to save their favorite soap operas. Oprah denied their requests via YouTube video, saying that “the bone marrow truth” is that there are just not enough people who are home in the daytime to watch them.” Though Oprah’s theory is true, she’s still missing a gigantic point. Oprah’s new network, OWN, has a different ratings standard, and if her shows had the same ratings as All My Children at the time of cancellation, it would be considered a huge success. Let me break this down for fear that I’m being unclear. Major networks have a higher ratings standard for their shows. What’s considered good ratings in cable, is considered horrible ratings on a major network. For example, All My Children had 2.6 million viewers at the time of cancellation. Oprah’s viewership for her OWN shows averaged 310,000 an episode. Basically, Oprah would thank her lucky stars for those ratings. Not only would she look like a hero for saving those shows, but she’d also carry an existing audience to her network. Translation? — Save the soap operas!.

R.I.P. All My Children — I’ll Remember You Always

Though I’m not a soap opera fan, I have a special place in my heart for All My Children, because my mother watched it religiously while I was growing up. She’d tape it on VHS (remember those?) and sometimes sit for hours in front of the television to catch up on the episodes she missed. At one point, I became addicted too, and it was right around the time Tad returned from his death and went to find Dixie. It took weeks for them to finally reconnect, and I was dying for Dixie to find out that the love her life never really died after all. Can you believe Tad had amnesia and couldn’t remember her? I’ll never forget the great moments with Erika Kane, played by the unforgettable Susan Lucci. I also vividly remember a much curvier Kelly Ripa, who fell in love with her husband, Mark Consuelos on the show. I loved that show — and I’m sad to see it go. But television has changed, and soap operas were targeted to stay-at-home mothers. With the change in both tradition and the economy, those moms aren’t at home anymore — so the ratings suffered. Goodbye All My Children. I’ll love you forever.

Dear Media, STOP Interviewing Michael Jackson’s Kids

I know there’s an insane interest in what Michael Jackson’s life was like behind closed doors, especially regarding his children.  I also know that it’s very difficult to turn down  an interview that will likely generate ratings.  That being said, there’s still an underlying moral code that should be executed by the media, and there’s a definitive line in the sand when it comes to Michael Jackson’s children.  First, while Jackson was alive, he was adamant about shielding his kinds from the media.  He made his wishes clear, and it wasn’t until his death that we heard any of them even speak.  Now, every media outlet wants an interview, including Oprah who apparently didn’t get the moral memo.  Until they’re eighteen, I don’t want to hear from them.

Howard Stern on David Letterman — Proves He’s a Legend

There’s no entertainer that I respect or love more than Howard Stern.  I listen to him daily, and if we weren’t alive at the same time, I would insist I was a reincarnated version of him.  He’s an angst-ridden, neurotic Jew with overbearing parents, and he always says what’s on his mind no matter how controversial.  I often watch his old interviews, and his David Letterman appearances are legendary.  He recently appeared on Letterman to promote the new Sirius phone app, and true to form, he hijacked Letterman’s show.  Because Stern is the greatest interviewer on the planet, he’s incapable of being interviewed himself, and he basically turns every appearance into an extended version of his own radio show.  In the interview below, he told Letterman that his staff needs to stop writing books and producing movies and start focusing on how to beat Jay Leno in the ratings.  He also said that no one gets fired at CBS except for him, and he cited Letterman’s staff member “shenanigans” as an example.  Stern said he asked all the women backstage if they’ve slept with Letterman.  Watch below.  It starts at minute five.

Am I Too Old for ‘The Real World’ or Does it Just Suck Now?

MTV’s The Real World has been deteriorating for years, and I often wonder if my new hatred for the show has to do with my age.  Perhaps I’m outside their target demographic, and I no longer find drunken fighting endearing?  But just before I sink into a self-loathing depression, I remind myself that I love Jersey Shore!  After all, nothing pleased me more than watching Snooki roll around on the floor in over-sized slippers while trying to punch Angelina in the face.  When Jersey Shore became popular, the cast of The Real World tweeted angry statements about how they weren’t invited to an MTV awards show and the Jersey Shore crew was.  Gee, I wonder why they weren’t invited?   There’s a simple answer here.  The cast of The Real World has sucked since Las Vegas, and no one wants to watch a bunch of soul-less neanderthals clean their toilet with their roommate’s toothbrush.  And I’m not the only person to think this.  The ratings have been steadily declining, and yet MTV is sticking with their ludicrous casting formula. So good luck, Real World.  Your tired franchise can only last so long.

Ricky Gervais Was Asked to Host the Golden Globes Again — Trust Me

I will make this post short and sweet.  Ricky Gervais announced that he’s being pursued to host the Golden Globes again, but he isn’t sure he’ll accept.  In response, the Golden Globes powers-that-be insist that they never extended an offer his way.  Here’s what I know for sure.  The more hullabaloo, the better the ratings, and the better the ratings, the more likely Ricky Gervais is to be asked back.  I can only guess that the Golden Globes are denying it because Hollywood doesn’t like to discuss behind-the-scenes matters until the dotted line is signed.  But controversy doesn’t get people fired in Hollywood, it gets them hired (with the exception of Mel Gibson, of course).