I refuse to spend an entire movie wondering what’s motivating the characters’ behavior. In Adjustment Bureau, there’s a team of people with fashionable hats and trench coats trying to keep Matt Damon from the girl he loves (Emily Blunt), and for what feels like an eternity — we don’t know why. When he asks, he’s only told that his wishes “deviate from the plan.” So what is this “plan,” and who are these guys, and why do they care who Matt Damon sleeps with — or loves for that matter? This is the part of the review where I usually tell my reader to watch the movie for fear of spoiling it, but I’m afraid the movie provides little answers. The script is basically a poor man’s play on free will, only it makes zero sense because it’s not your “plan” if everyone is deliberately putting obstacles in your way. To clarify, allow me to use a specific example. If it’s my destiny to be a stripper, and every time I’m about to enter the stage to perform I’m met with five guys who block the stage, does it really make sense to justify that behavior with “it’s not part of the plan?” It’s is my plan to be a stripper, but you clowns with stupid hats ruined it!! If my analogy didn’t make sense, I’d encourage you to avoid the film, because their explanation is far worse than my example. In addition to the terrible writing, the movie is filled with extremely boring chase sequences, which involve Matt Damon tracking down Emily Blunt while simultaneously trying to avoid a lobotomy (no, I’m not kidding). I’d first like to note that if I personally had to choose between love and a lobotomy — I’d keep my brain in tact. But that’s just me. Second — if you’re going to write a terrible film, can you at least provide me with some special effects? This is a big budget movie, so at least throw in some Mission Impossible gadgetry to keep my attention. OVERALL RATING: DISHSATISFIED
Author: The Dishmaster
The New York Times Launches Paywall — Nothing in Life is Free
My father always told me that nothing in life is free. I used to listen until he’d say, “money doesn’t grow on trees,” at which point my eyes rolled out of my head. With the launch of the New York Times paywall, it seems my father was right. To put their new venture in a nutshell, you’re only entitled to read 20 articles on the New York Times website for free. After that — you must pay. There’s predictable outrage about this announcement, and I’d like to squash that outrage by repeating my father’s annoying words. Nothing in life is free. The New York Times is a business, and they’ve been hit with the same tough economy that we all have, and they have a right to charge their customers whatever they like. If their new model doesn’t work, the market will adjust their choice, and they will become free again. Yes, we’d all like to think that the news is free. But someone (who I don’t envy) is responsible for gathering that news, and then some other jackass is responsible for ripping off the New York Times and repeating that gathered news for free. Deal with it. And stop complaining.
‘Teen Mom 2’ Star Brutally Beats Another Teen — This Show Must Die
When Teen Mom first began, the story was uplifting. You had a group of girls that got pregnant at a very young age, and although their struggle was hard, they handled it. They were interesting to watch, and I never felt as though MTV was promoting teen pregnancy. They were simply documenting struggles, while allowing you to root for these people at the same time. Because MTV felt that the original group’s story-line became stale, they decided to follow an all new group of teens. My guess is that MTV figured they’d not only freshen up the format by selecting new people, but they’d also save money, considering the longer you employ people, the more you have to pay them. Unfortunately, the new group sucks, and it’s time to pull the show off the air. In case you didn’t hear, Jenelle Evans (one of the stars of Teen Mom 2) was captured on camera beating up another girl — and the video is violent. She’s since been arrested for the fight, but the damage is done. If MTV wants to turn their show into Jerry Springer, then feel free to keep this on the air. But if they want to maintain the show’s original integrity, then make a few phone calls to the original cast.
Rihanna is Ass-Tastic on the Cover of Rolling Stone
Every so often when I get depressed about the size of my ass, I think of Rihanna, who has done a great job of representing how to look good with only a silver napkin covering her large butt-cheeks. Now if I can just borrow her Rolling Stone air-brusher, and then I’m ready for a new facebook profile picture! In her upcoming interview, Rihanna will discuss sexting and her attraction to bad-boys. Wow, there’s even more to learn than I originally thought! Who needs music talk when you can discuss talking dirty.
America’s Next Top Model — Does Tyra Banks Show-Up the Contestants?
Everyone knows that the true purpose of America’s Next Top Model is for Tyra Banks to out-hot every girl in America. Each show often consists of photo-shoot competitions, which begin with a picture of Tyra followed by a picture of every contestant. I’m surprised the contestants don’t cry when they see Tyra’s picture. An example of this can be seen in the intro below, which includes Tyra in a tight yellow leotard doing some sexy poses. She’s followed by each contestant also trying to do sexy poses — only they’re not sexy. I’d like to note that I also put on my tight yellow leotard and attempted to duplicate these moves in the privacy of my own home. It didn’t go well.
Tabloid Gossip — Week-in-Review
- Courtney Cox gushed about her “cute” husband, David Arquette, while promoting Scream 4. OK Magazine
- The future of Mad Men is uncertain over a money dispute between AMC and the studio. Astrochicks
- ABC wants to put Chris Brown and Rihanna in the same room. The Superficial
- Teen Mom 2 star, Jenelle Evans, was caught on tape beating up another girl. The D.A.’s office is investigating. Celeb Dirty Laundry
- The Star Jones/Nene Leakes war rages on. Bossip
- Reese Witherspoon is getting married very soon. Celebuzz
- Alicia Silverstone is pregnant. Ear Sucker
- Is Crystal Harris cheating on Hugh Hefner with Dr. Phil’s son? Celebrity Smack Blog
- Ashley Greene might have moved on from Joe Jonas to Captain America/Chris Evans. Celebridoodle
- Eva Longoria removed her Tony Parker tattoo. Moe Jackson
- Lindsay Lohan is dropping her last name. She’s just “Lindsay” now. The Blemish
- George Lopez apologized for calling Kirstie Alley a pig. Huffington Post
- Britney Spears looks hot in her new photo-shoot for her upcoming album, Femme Fatale. Hollywood Tuna
- Chris Browns‘ publicist dropped him. D-Listed
- Elizabeth Taylor was intentionally late for her own funeral. The Frisky
Natalie Portman’s ‘Black Swan’ Body Double Speaks — Bad Move Sarah Lane?
Even though It’s gutsy when the lone wolf stands up to the big bad Hollywood studio, it’s also career suicide. Sarah Lane is making the interview rounds to discuss just how much work she did as Natalie Portman’s body double in Black Swan. Lane says Natalie Portman did only 5% of the work, contrary to the 85% claimed by Benjamin Millipied, Natalie’s choreographer and fiance. She claims she wants to clear this up, not because she’s jealous of Natalie’s success, but because she thinks it’s an insult to dancers everywhere to suggest that someone could become a professional ballet dancer in only a year. She’s also unhappy that she’s not even credited as Portman’s body double, having only been mentioned at the very end of the credits as a “Lady in the Lane.” Nothing pleases me more than defending the little guy, but I’ll make an exception this time around. First, it’s really none of Lane’s business how Fox Searchlight Pictures (the movie studio) wishes to portray Natalie Portman’s dancing ability. If they want to stretch the truth to make their movie sell, then so be it. Sarah Lane was paid for her work, and that’s all she’s entitled to. Furthermore, if she wanted to be credited as Natalie Portman’s body double, then she should have a long talk with her agent that negotiated the deal. These things are worked out in advance, and it’s therefore not the studio’s fault for billing her as a “Lady in the Lane” — it’s her agent’s fault. And lastly, as previously mentioned, this is career suicide. Do you think a major movie studio is going to hire Sarah Lane again after she exposed information they didn’t want released? Probably not. When you have a job, do your job, keep your mouth shut, and get out. Let this be a lesson.
The Daily Show Writers Discuss How the Show is Made
If you’ve ever wondered how one of the greatest shows in television history gets made, then watch below to see the interview from last year’s Paley Center panel. In it, you’ll see The Daily Show writers discuss extremely short period of time they have each day to write Jon Stewart’s material. It’s shocking. Enjoy!
Bret Michaels Sues Tonys and CBS for Head Injury — Dumb Move?
There’s an unwritten rule in Hollywood that you don’t sue the the big dogs, because the amount of money you’ll win from your suit won’t equal the amount of money you’ll lose from “never working in this town again.” If you’ve ever attended a private high school, then you might understand the Hollywood clicks and connections. That’s why I was shocked to read that Bret Michaels sued CBS and the Tonys for the injury that occurred during the 2009 Oscars. I imagine that the actual cause of action is negligence, because Michaels argues that he wasn’t properly instructed how to exit the stage to avoid the set falling on his head. He claims that the head injury ultimately resulted in his brain hemorrhage six month later. Though he could probably win for the head injury that occurred during the show, I doubt he’d win for the subsequent brain hemorrhage. To win, Michaels has the hefty task of proving that, if not for the set falling on his head, he would not have suffered the brain hemorrhage, which is virtually impossible. There’s no definitive way of identifying what caused the hemorrhage. This suit is therefore not worth burning Hollywood bridges. At the very least, you probably won’t see Michaels at the Tonys again, or on any CBS show. That’s a big bridge to burn. As an aside, thank goodness for this law school thing. Without it, I wouldn’t be able to properly analyze the consequences of having a Rock of Ages set fall on your head. Isn’t education wonderful? Watch Bret get flattened by the set below.
American Idol Judges Save Casey Abrams — He Gets to Go on Tour
When the judges saved Casey Abrams tonight on American Idol, the real importance is not that he gets to stay in the competition, it’s that he gets to go on tour. Usually only the top ten Idol contestants tour the country, but because the judges saved Casey Abrams, all 11 of the current contestants are included in the tour. So why is this such a big deal? Because Casey Abrams just got guaranteed some serious cash. Idol contestants make a six-figure salary up front, plus an additional percentage of the ticket sales. That’s a lot of money, and judging from Casey Abrams reaction tonight, he’s certainly appreciative. At one point I thought he might pass out, leaving Ryan Seacrest to hold him up — or topple over. Watch the video below to see his reaction.