Ashton Kutcher’s alleged mistress is selling a sex tape and it’s being promoted as “the girl who had sex with Ashton Kutcher.” Kutcher is suing, claiming that this “infringes on his celebrity value.” Allow me to put this lawyer thing to use and explain why Ashton Kutcher’s handling of this has become mighty suspicious. First, when he was initially accused of having an affair with this woman by Star Magazine, he threatened to sue for defamation — but he never did. The problem with suing for defamation is that in order for Kutcher to have a case, the accusation has to be false. So the fact that Kutcher never sued leads me to believe that the information is true, and he therefore knew he wouldn’t win. Got it? That brings me to my next point. A small part of me thought Kutcher didn’t sue because, despite his oodles of cash, he simply didn’t feel like it. After all, does anyone believe Star Magazine anyways? Why waste money on a frivolous lawsuit, right? But here’s where it gets suspicious. As soon as this girl released a sex tape claiming that she’s the person who had sex with Kutcher, he decided to sue. Why? I suspect it’s because he finally found a case he can win. He’s not suing for defamation, he’s suing for “using his celebrity name” to promote a product. It’s sort of a smart move that I don’t think anyone but myself would catch. He can win the lawsuit, and the suit lets the public think he’s finally standing up for himself. Just a theory though. I’ve asked my friend to write a guest post on defamation to explain this further, so we’ll see if I ever get it. Are you reading this, mystery friend?
Category: General
Erin Barry Denies Tony Parker Affair — Confirms She’s Annoying
I almost vomited when I read Erin Barry’s statement about her alleged extra-marital affair with Eva Longoria’s husband, Tony Parker. She spent most of the letter talking about how important she is, and how she is “way too busy” to fuck Tony Parker, or to worry about home-wrecker accusations. At one point she even discusses how she likes to save little children in her spare time. Oh yeah — and she’s in law school. Wow — if throwing your law degree around actually excused morally depraved actions, I guess I could have a permanent get-out-of-jail-free card. Couldn’t she just write two sentences about how she doesn’t like to screw married men and call it a day? Did I mention that she blames the rumors on the fact that she and Parker are going through divorces at the same time, and not the fact that Eva Longoria exposed her name in the press. Though I can’t confirm Longoria spilled the beans, I’m almost positive that’s how this information leaked. Does Barry really think I’m going to believe her name was pulled out of thin air? If it was merely about “getting divorced at the same time,” then I’m sure Tony Parker could be accused of screwing every single woman on the planet, because the divorce rate is around 60% now. And by the way — please refrain from demeaning Eva Lonogoria’s feelings by going on and on about how this isn’t important to you. If it were me, and this accusation was false, I might say something like, “I’m so sorry that Eva Longoria has to deal with this. Divorce is hard enough without these false rumors on top of it.”
Today’s Question: Why Do Celebrities Take Naked Cell Phone Pictures?
A close friend of mine told me that he didn’t realize how bad he was in bed until he taped himself and his girlfriend having sex. “I thought it would be hot,” he said, “but it was really depressing.” Because of my nameless friend, I’ve decided to never tape myself having sex. Oh yeah — and I don’t want to see my gigantic ass on camera. Does anyone? Apparently, celebrities love making sex tapes, and they love taking naked cell phone pictures even more. So are they raging narcissists that are also too dumb to realize the possibility of either losing their phone, or pissing a man off enough to sell those pictures one day? You might want to ask Miley Cyrus next time you see her, because she’s the newest celebrity involved in a naked picture scandal. And this isn’t the first time. Not too long ago she took racy photographs of herself in the shower, which made its way on the internet for the entire world to see. What’s that quote? “Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, I’m an asshole.”
Celebrities Abandon Twitter to Raise Money — The World’s Dumbest Idea
Kim Kardashian and many other celebrities have shut down their twitter accounts in an effort to raise money for World Aids Day, and they promise not to return to the social networking medium until they raise one million dollars. The stupidity of this is shocking — even for celebrities. Doesn’t it make more sense to use your social networking platform for your cause — instead of silencing your voice until money is raised? I’d also like to ask if we can change the rules so that these celebrities promise to stay off twitter forever if they raise the money? I’ll definitely donate under those parameters. The egotism of this is also astonishing. Does Kim Kardashian really think that people would miss her tweets so much that they would actually donate money to bring back her 140 words of wisdom? And by the way — if the money is actually raised, please refrain from sending me I-told-you-so emails. It won’t be raised because they abandoned twitter, it will be raised because they went on talk shows asking for donations, which only proves my point about the squeaky wheel.
Eric Roberts is on Celebrity Rehab — I’m Confused
There’s only one reason that real actors join reality shows. Their work has dried up. I’m fully aware that many celebrities need help, but trust me — they wouldn’t join Celebrity Rehab if they had more lucrative offers in front of the camera. They’d get help in private, and continue their acting careers in public. So that brings me to Eric Roberts, who many know as Julia Roberts’ brother and Emma Roberts’ father. The reason I’m confused about his appearance, is that I thought he was still a working actor. It’s only been two years since he appeared in the blockbuster film, The Dark Knight, and his part in the film was pretty substantial. Is it possible that his career took such a turn for the worst in just two short years? I don’t get it. Yes, there is the argument that he wants to do this show to help people, but I’m a pretty cynical Dishmaster, and I just don’t buy it.
Dear Glee, Where the Fu*K is John Stamos?!
Glee fans everywhere should be up in arms. We were promised John Stamos, and Ryan Murphy has yet to deliver. So where is he, and why is his character always mentioned yet he never appears? Stamos made a cameo on this week’s episode, but it was very unsatisfying. First, I imagine that Stamos is being paid per episode, which means that he was given a full salary for that little thirty second appearance. It baffles me that Murphy would waste a Stamos episode on such a small appearance. Let me break this down for everyone so my point is clear. A show only has a certain budget for guest talent, and it’s possible that Stamos is only being paid to appear on 5 episodes. As a way to keep his character in the show for a long period of time for a limited cost, the characters keep discussing him, yet he never appears. Translation? — it’s a cheap ploy to keep Stamos around as long as possible. Literally — cheap. So when he finally showed up for an episode, I was devastated to discover that his salary was blown on such a short appearance. At least make him sing and dance if you’re gonna pay him.
Steve Martin Audience Gets Refund for his Lecture — Martin Isn’t Happy
This story is too funny not to post. Steve Martin was interviewed by New York Times Magazine writer Deborah Solomon about his new art book, The Object of Beauty, and the audience found it so boring that the Executive Director of the 92nd Street Y gave them their money back. Martin wasn’t pleased, and he said that catering an interview to the audience’s wishes is akin to “an actor responding in Act III to an audience’s texts to ‘shorten the soliloquies.’ ” Before I attack Steve Martin, I’d like to say that I am declaring today’s blog theme to be “The Celebrity Narcissist.” Here’s what Steve Martin doesn’t understand: It’s not that the audience is too low-brow for a discussion on art. It’s that everyone and their mother thinks of Steve Martin as an actor and a comedian, so obviously when you sell tickets to an event where he’s being interviewed, the kind of people that attend that event do not want to hear Steve Martin wax-on about his love of art, and if If they were, I imagine they would have gone to a gallery opening instead. The fact that he doesn’t understand that means he’s been in his celebrity fishbowl way too long.
Today’s Rule: It’s Not a Curse if it Makes Sense
When I was young I took the time to write down every one of my pet peeves, in hopes that I would review the very long list later in life and discover that the little things no longer bother me. Unfortunately, the plan didn’t work. But in honor of my therapeutic effort, I will share with you one of the pet peeves on the list. Here goes — you are not allowed to call something a “curse,” if it makes sense. What do I mean? Alright, I’m going to keep this description short and sweet. Many people are referring to Jennifer Grey’s recent back surgery as a “Dancing With the Stars curse.” Gee, I wonder how celebrities on that show get injured. It’s so mysterious, and therefore worthy of some kind of magical explanation. Could it be that it’s a rigorous dancing show that casts amateurs with little to no dancing experience? And there you have it — a logical explanation.
Anne Hathaway and James Franco Will Host the Oscars — HUH?
I woke up from my long Turkey vacation to discover that Anne Hathaway and James Franco are hosting this year’s Oscars. When I first read this I had to check my calender to confirm that it was December 1 and not April 1, because this ridiculous decision has to be a prank, right? So what were the suits thinking? I can only guess, but here goes. Because Hollywood is so insanely focused on the ridiculous 18-35 demographic for ratings purposes, it only makes sense to choose two very young celebrities to host an aging awards show that is desperately in need of a pick-me-up. Anne Hathaway makes sense because she’s an A-list actress, and her previous performance with Hugh Jackman at the Oscars proves she can carry a tune for at least 10 seconds. As for James Franco — he’s a complete mystery. I read an article about how he’s a heartthrob, and how the students swooned over him during his appearance on Inside the Actors Studio, but I have no idea how that makes him worthy of hosting the Oscars. Also, I don’t mean to be rude — but I find the guy really boring in interviews. And furthermore, the Oscars should be hosted by a comedian. I realize that Hugh Jackman was incredible during his Oscar stint, but he compensated for the comedy by carrying the show with his own performances. Can Anne and James do that?
Naturally Blond Actresses that Go Brown — Who Are They?
I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again — the prettiest brunette will always be prettier than the prettiest blond. Am I biased? — Sure, but I’m the Dishmaster, and I’ll be biased if I want. To prove my point, I’ve compiled a list of actresses that were born blond, but decided to die their hair brown instead. Why? — Because they look better, of course. Enjoy!
SOFIA VERGARA — People often ask me who my girl crushes are, and Sofia is at the top of my list. She’s beautiful with a twist of sass. She confessed that she had trouble getting roles when she moved to the United States from Columbia, and she blamed it on her blond hair. Once she went brown, she began to book jobs, and the rest is history.
LEIGHTON MEESTER — Just to contradict myself, I’ll admit that Leighton Meester actually looks better as a blond. She died her hair for Gossip Girl, presumably because the producers already had the blond Blake Lively to play Serena, and they saw Leighton’s character as a brunette. She actually died her hair before the audition. I’m posting two pictures of her below, so that you can see the difference and judge for yourself.
JULIA ROBERTS — For much of Julia Roberts’ career I’ve wondered if she was a natural red-head or brunette. It turns out she’s neither. Her natural hair color is actually dirty blond, but she prefers to keep it brown. Personally, I’d like her to keep her red Pretty Woman hair forever, but I don’t suppose she wants to be play the same part for the rest of her life.
AUDRINA PATRIDGE — When I watched Audrina on The Hills, I noticed something strange about her appearance. She didn’t quite look right, and when my friend told me she’s a natural blond, it clicked. Like Leighton, she looks better as a blond. It’s a shame too, because I so badly wanted this post to be about how brunettes rule the world. But you can’t have everything, I guess. To see her with blond hair, click here.
ASHLEE SIMPSON — When Ashlee first broke into the business, she tried very hard to separate herself from Jessica Simpson. That included dying her hair brown, and dressing like a grunge rocker. It didn’t quite work, and she has since changed her image about 500 times. She recently went back to blond, so I’ve posted her with both hair colors. See what you think.
In closing, I’d like to confess that I took some liberties with the word “actress” in the title of this post. Please forgive me.