Kim Kardashian is launching a credit card for teens, which gives them a small amount of credit so they learn to spend responsibly. This might be the best celebrity business decision in history. If there’s anything I know about my useless teenage education, it’s that those worthless teachers left the most important lesson out of their lectures — DON’T FUCK UP YOUR CREDIT! My adult life has never involved a fraction, but it’s certainly involved buying a car. I’m officially going to stop picking on Kim Kardashian. Not only because she launched a credit card instead of a dumb fragrance, but also because I’ve recently been tipped off by a reliable source that she’s a very kind person. So there you have it. Congratulations, Kim.
Movie Review — Due Date
This movie was a breath of fresh air, which is a strange statement because Robert Downey, Jr. spent most of the film feeling suffocated by Zach Galifianakis’. It was light-hearted and funny with just the right amount of gross-out humor. Galifianakis and Downey drive across the country together after they end up on a no-fly list. Under no other circumstances would these two men hang out, which is why the film is so great. Downey is a tightly wound guy who is a bit of prick, and Galifianakis is a sweetheart who likes everyone but is liked by no one. I don’t think this movie could have survived without these two actors, and it’s worth seeing just for their performance. Plus, have I mentioned I’m in love with Robert Downey?
Movie Review — Fair Game
No movie should be made based on true events if those events took place less than fifteen years ago. Having said that, I think you can guess how I felt about Fair Game. The film is based on the CIA leak of Valerie Plame, and I can’t say I know any more information about the story after watching the film than I did before I watched it. Now for my next movie rule — Don’t show clips of real-life people during a movie. If Naomi Watts is playing Valerie Plame, then there should be another actor playing George Bush. But playing clips of Bush in a movie makes me think I should just stay home and watch C-Span instead. The entire movie felt like a boring documentary. Sure Sean Penn is great, but his acting chops alone don’t warrant the insane movie ticket price I paid.
Keith Olbermann Suspended — He’s a Democrat — Who Knew?
Keith Olbermann was suspended for making political donations to the democratic party, and many consider it laughable that anyone doubted Olbermann’s democratic standing. I have mixed feelings about this. First, it would be nice to assume that talking heads form their opinions on an issue-by-issue basis, instead of blindly supporting their party. But as Jon Stewart pointed out in his infamous Crossfire interview, that assumption is incorrect. The truth is that talking heads support their party, and they will champion any issue based on their party line. Apparently, MSNBC would like to present Mr. Olbermann as non-partisan, as a way to uphold their brand. I obviously think Olbermann does a better job of hiding any bias than someone like Bill O’Reilly or the certifiable Glenn Beck. But with or without the donation — it’s clear where he stands. That being said, there were still people out there that doubted Clay Aiken’s sexual orientation up until the day he came out of the closet. Translation? — Without Olbermann’s donation, perhaps some people still thought he was “straight” — or Republican. Forgive me — I’m terrible with analogies.
Joel McHale is Very Funny — Gives it to Hoda and Kathy Lee
When I wrote “gives it to” Hoda and Kathy Lee, please note that I’m talking about Joel’s interview on The Today Show, and not a disturbing threesome. While promoting his show, Community, Kathy Lee and Hoda confronted Joel about why he relentlessly pokes fun at them on The Soup. Joel’s response? — “Have you seen your show?” He also took a jab at the girls for not discussing Community, which he was actually there to promote. Watch below.
Private Practice Rape Episode — I Object
I have a lot to say about the much publicized Private Practice rape episode, so get comfortable. I have been watching television for most of my life, because it’s an escape. It’s meant for entertainment. It’s meant to take me out of my own world and put me in another. I understand that there are many ways to entertain a fantasy world, but I don’t think any of those ways should include acting out rape on television. It’s unnecessary, and it’s a very easy way to go. KaDee Strickland promoted the episode on The View, where she said that she was honored to play the part, and that she spoke with many rape victims so that she could accurately portray the scene without offending anyone. I don’t disagree that it was accurate, respectful, and risky. But that’s not the point. The point is that Shonda Rimes (the creator) makes very easy choices to produce the emotions she hopes to produce. That includes giving characters cancer, killing off a man with a young daughter, and finally — getting someone raped. You might think it was brave to write this episode — but I don’t — I think it was easy. There’s a very loathed writing practice that they tell you about in film school, and it’s called “kick-the-dog.” In a nutshell, it means that writers often execute the very cheap tactic of letting the audience know that a character is bad, by having that character kick a dog. It’s easy and looked down upon because there are many other more creative ways to inform the audience about a character, and having him kick a dog is an easy way out. I consider Shonda’s writing to fall within the kick-the-dog umbrella. Think of another way to create emotion, and another way to create drama.
Leann Rimes Interview — She Still Doesn’t Get it
Oh, LeAnn. I can’t figure out why she annoys me enough to warrant a post, but she does. In a recent interview, which was presumably meant to clean up her soiled image, she discussed her affair with Eddie Cibrian, and her responses indicate that she still hasn’t learned her PR lesson. Perhaps someone should use diagrams and cartoons to get through to her. She continues to insist that she doesn’t regret the affair, because she’s “in love,” and affairs happen “everyday to so many people.” The problem isn’t that you had an affair with a married father of two young children (though it certainly doesn’t help). The problem is that you publicize that affair on your twitter account, and constantly post pictures of your relationship, which I have every reason to believe is a desperate ploy to rub your affair in the face of Cibrian’s ex-wife. It’s not the affair that’s the problem, it’s how you handle it.
UPDATE: LeAnn has used her infamous twitter account to deny that she cried during her interview with Robin Roberts. That’s a great idea — it certainly makes you look better to deny that you had any semblance of emotion about the end of two marriages.
Should We Legalize Crystal Meth Too? — Nick Swardson Thinks So
When pot-smokers ask me how I feel about the legalization of marijuana, I ask them if we should also legalize heroin. My response is followed by outrage, and just before I get the pot-smoker lecture on how marijuana makes them more productive, I flee. Apparently, I’m not the only person that thought of this. Watch the video below, to see comedian Nick Swardson’s very funny appearance on Chelsea Lately.
Oprah Interviews Michael Jackson’s Kids, After a Child Molestation Show
Oprah has been seriously annoying me lately. She’ll be interviewing Michael Jackson’s children, and the show will air on the Monday following her Friday show about child molestation. Oprah’s camp insists that the programming decision is merely a coincidence, which is no excuse. First of all, if your programmer can’t rub two brain cells together and realize that you shouldn’t air a child molestation show before you interview Michael Jackson’s children, then that programmer should be fired. Second, I find the interview highly inappropriate regardless of the poor programming decision. These are children, and their father died. Can you not wait until their 18 years old to interview them? And lastly, Michael Jackson was so overly protective about his childrens’ privacy, I imagine he’s turning in his grave.
Why Can’t George Michael Make a Comeback? — Can Simon Cowell Help?
There’s a rumor flying around that Simon Cowell might attempt to resurrect George Michaels’ pop career, and I’m thrilled if it’s true. George Michaels’ Faith album is one of the best in history, and the guy just can’t get it together again. You would think that if you have one incredible album in you, you’d be able to duplicate its success at some point in your life (hear that Alanis?). But Michael has always been plagued by his personal demons, and I imagine those demons are responsible for his demise. When he initially attempted a comeback, he appeared on American Idol, and the contestants sang a mash-up of his best songs before George Michael came out to sing his new single. The energy was immediately sucked out of the room when Michael sang a self-serving, preachy ballad, instead of his greatest song, Faith. Translation? It was a squandered opportunity. I’m not sure it would have mattered much, though, because I bought the album he was promoting, and it was terrible. It had none of the up-tempo, fun songs on Faith, and it quickly fizzled out. I think he needs some guidance, and there’s no one better than Cowell. For nostalgic reasons, I’ve posted Michaels’ Faith video below. Take the time to watch for the long legged woman leaning up against the jukebox. Just to brag, she’ s a close friend of mine, and in case you are wondering, her legs still look that good.