The Dishmaster

Phil Collins Quits Music — Will He Marry Billy Joel?

If you read my Billy Joel post, you might predict my reaction to Phil Collins’ recent announcement that he’s quit the music business. In a statement, Collins said, “I’m sorry that it was all so successful. I honestly didn’t mean it to happen like that. It’s hardly surprising that people grew to hate me.” He also said that he “doesn’t think anyone is going to miss [him].” Can someone please explain to me when musicians become such emotional cowards? I’d use the “P” word, but my father told me to stop cursing on my blog, and despite my suspicion that he actually doesn’t read The Dishmaster, I’ll err on the side of caution. Anyways, there’s something about massive success that breeds complacence, and I wonder if Phil Collins will live happily ever after with Billy Joel, who hasn’t written a new song in over a decade. For goodness sakes, Phil Collins sold over 150 million records, and the guy just quits? I’m aware that the today’s music industry is horrific, but that’s all the more reason to release new material. So Phil if you’re reading this — grow a pair — and write some music.

Tabloid Week-in-Review

David Arquette was in a car accident. People

Dianne Agron’s ex-boyfriend, Alex Pettyfer, may or may not be a psycho stalker. GossipCop

Britney Spears gushed to Ryan Seacrest about her boyfriend’s body. DigitalSpy

Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards are fighting over their kids. Huffington Post

Ryan Reynolds might have a new woman. Hollywood Life

Scarlett Johansson and Sean Penn might be getting serious. PopEater

Fear not — Charlie Sheen’s goddess, Bree Olson, has returned to the mansion. Hollywood News

Amanda Seyfried still misses her very yummy ex-boyfriend, Dominic Cooper. Gather

Charlie Sheen is a Jew — the world makes sense again! Stuff

David Birney denies Meredith Baxter’s abuse allegations written in her new memoir. E! Online

Taylor Swift is dating Glee’s Chord Overstreet. EarSucker

Courtney Cox has an amazing body. Celebuzz

Billy Joel Will Write Autobiography — How About He Write New Songs Instead?

When I read that Billy Joel will waste an inordinate amount of time writing an autobiography instead of writing new music, I became infuriated. I’m a huge Billy Joel fan, and it’s been over a decade since he’s written new music. In his recent Howard Stern interview, he said that he likes to write music without lyrics because adding lyrics would be like “painting a mustache on an already finished work of art.” Personally, I think that’s complete bull shit. And I’m not a alone. In a recent interview with Rolling Stone, Elton John said, “at the end of the day, [Billy’s] coasting. I always say, ‘Billy, can’t you write another song?’ It’s either fear or laziness. It upsets me. Billy’s a conundrum.” Judging from the Stern interview, Billy has some astounding fear of failure, and since he’s able to live off the money he’s already made, there isn’t any reason to overcome it. He’s no longer hungry (both literally and figuratively), and so his art suffers. And since I’m such a huge Joel fan — I suffer.

Kim Kardashian’s New Single — Proves Auto-Tune Doesn’t Work for Everyone

I recently went to a friend’s recording studio, where an upcoming artist was recording tracks for her new album. I was shocked to hear her terrible voice, at which point my friend assured me that auto-tune would save the day. When I heard the final version, I was shocked. We’ve all heard about artists using auto-tune, but I suppose I never fully understood the extend to which it corrects a voice. But before you start dreaming about becoming the next pop-star, I would encourage you to listen to Kim Kardashian’s new single below. Apparently, auto-tune doesn’t work for everyone.

David Spade Says Charlie Sheen’s “Goddesses” Are Just 7s on the Hotness Scale

When I watched the interview with Charlie Sheen’s “Goddesses,” I scratched my head with confusion and thought, “those chicks aren’t even hot.” In fact, Denise Richards blows them out of the water (I’m guessing both figuratively and literally). Apparently, I’m not the only person to notice. David Spade recently tweeted, “I think the word Goddess is being thrown around a bit loosely these days. I think the term is ‘a seven.’” David Spade might also be the right person to judge, especially considering his Hollywood hot-chick resume. At least he doesn’t have to worry about competing with Charlie Sheen for the same women. Watch below and judge the ladies for yourself. You’d think a million dollars an episode could get you better tail. Too crude?

Jessica Simpson on Simon Cowell’s X-Factor? I Vote Yes!

There’s something very sad about this season’s American Idol — and I’m not referring to the loss of Simon Cowell (though that pains me as well). It’s the loss of Paula Abdul. There needs to be a beautiful, somewhat ditzy woman on the panel, who makes you tune in to see what crazy things she’ll say. Since re-casting Paula Abdul would likely damage the new brand that X-Factor is trying to present, it only makes sense to cast someone similar. Jessica Simpson is perfect! Like Paula, Jessica Simpson has had a huge career, most notably with her fashion empire. And also like Paula, Jessica has trouble expressing her point, and often comes off ridiculous in interviews. She’s certainly more together than the often slurring Abdul, but I predict that Simpson’s interplay with Simon Cowell would be television magic. Plus, I have a special attraction to woman with gigantic boobs and I’d like to see her outfits every week. After all, I’m a Kinsey 2.

American Idol Recap — The Judges Are Crazy

I admit that this season’s American Idol is like a train wreck I can’t turn away from. Every time someone performs, I yearn for Simon Cowell, especially when the judges are elated with a wretched performance. Where is Simon to call these performers “indulgent” and “boring.” As an example, I’m posting a video of Haley Reinhart, whose performance was so cheesy, I thought that she might have practiced it in front of a mirror imagining she was in a strip club. I hate to be so rude, but watch below and judge for yourself. Too mean?

Why is the Press Interviewing Charlie Sheen?

There’s a handful of celebrities I’ve retired from my blog, and Charlie Sheen is about to join the list. He’s currently doing a self-destructive press tour, and the media is thrilled. Why not interview someone when they’re hitting bottom? It makes for good television, right? Though Sheen now denounces AA, I don’t. That means he will have to forgive me for using the standard terms that he currently loathes. Sheen has clearly relapsed, and he’s a sick man. His behavior wouldn’t be so upsetting if it didn’t cause so many people to lose jobs. Because CBS shut down production of Two and a Half Men, many hard-working, under-paid employees are losing their paychecks, which is extremely sad. I feel sad for Charlie and I feel sad for the crew. That being said, the media needs to stop preying on a man when he’s clearly ill. Have some moral integrity.

John Galliano is a Bigot — How Did he Stay Employed?

Whenever it hits the press that a well-known, rich celebrity is a bigot, I’m immediately suspicious of every single person that has ever worked with the bigot. John Galliano, the chief designer for Christian Dior, was recently caught on tape spewing an anti-semitic rant, and it’s safe to say his career is now over. But what about the career of everyone at Christian Dior who continued to employ Galliano for years? Should they be held accountable? Did they know about this? I’m have no idea if they knew, but how could they not? Bigots are not very good at hiding their hatred, so it shouldn’t take long to figure it out. Dior suspended Galliano, but it’s convenient timing. Once the public got wind of the story, there was no other choice.